If you're one of the thousands of Americans who uses the Weight Watchers system to turn meals into joyless games of caloric Tetris, you probably noticed the rules have changed. No longer is an apple worth 2 points. Everything's weird!

Have you heard about the thrilling new diet where you inject the urine of pregnant women into your body, with a syringe? One lady lost 43 pounds! Unless it was the accompanying 500-calorie dietary restriction. Nah, probably the pee.

Food crusader Mayor Michael Bloomberg has found a way to save the city around $350,000 a year — by cutting the calorie intake of Rikers Island inmates by 160 a day. And no more chocolate pudding! Or black pepper.

The app analyzes the shape and color of what's on your plate, then queries a database of 100,000 different foods to derive a calorie count.

Fitness myths! Crystal diet! Fat marathons! Kiddie runs! Happy Meals! Carnivore cancer! Wine diet! Boxing girls! And your daily inspiration to make you feel ashamed! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—comparatively poorly!

A nutritionist stuck to a diet of Twinkies, donuts, Doritos, and other types of "junk food" for two months. He lost 27 pounds proving that it's the number—not quality—of calories one consumes that matters. Take that Jenny Craig.

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

Once-promising diet drug Qnexa was rejected by the Food and Drug Administration yesterday because its side effects can include "suicidal thoughts, heart palpitations, memory lapses and birth defects." Well, that sounds like every other drug commercial on TV, doesn't it?

As we have pointed out in the past, "juice cleanses" are bullshit, scams peddled by sharps to to sucker the desperate. Still, today brings yet another first-person trend story about juice cleansing. But—progress is being made!

Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!

Marathon knees! Sports psychology! Biggest Loser workouts! Kettlebell ignorance! Football training! Booty fat! And the path to elite eliteness! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—dismissively, jealously, or, both!

Psychosis drugs! Botox drugs! Chimpanzee hugs! Diet drugs! Porno fugs! Malaria drugs! Teenage shrugs! And dementia drugs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and wealth, and knowledge of self!

Last week, we discovered that Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski chugs vodka from a mug before noon. This week, she dispels that rumor. She's not drunk, just "extremely hungry, to the point where I feel like I might lose control."

PMS decoded! Neurosurgery! Stapled peptides! Ants on McDonald's! Eggs that kill! More smoking cancer! Chronic fatigue solved! And gluten-free crapola! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—consuming Wheaties by the barrel!

Fellow Americans: our diet has failed. More than 90% of us eat too much salt. We have to tax ourselves just to stop overdosing on soda. It's embarrassing. Fear not—an easy guide to eating healthy is just below!

The New Yorker's marketing team sent out an email this morning urging subscribers to "Kick Start Your Weight Loss with Duke Diet & Fitness Center." Well. I. Never. How many pullups can you do, David Remnick? [Chic Report]

It takes several long stares to comprehend that these photos depict rapper 50 Cent, who once looked like this. In the name of his burgeoning acting career, he removed several tattoos and lost 60 lbs. to play a cancer patient.

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!

82 year-old Indian Parhlad Jani says he hasn't had food or water for 70 years, living on "spiritual life-force" as a breatharian. There actually was a medical term for this: 'Gullible.' But they took it out of the dictionary. [Perthnow]