You think the world is a boring and cruel place and then one day you wake up on an absolutely normal morning and you look on the internet and there is a story about a Gourami fish who was living on a diet of nothing but chocolate. A fish named Gary! Why isn't Gary eating his grapes at the aquarium like a normal Gourami?

Oh man, the Washington Post has caught hypocrite Michelle Obama red-handed, stuffing her hypocrite face with hypocrite hamburgers and shakes and fries at a diner. Why isn't she eating organic free-range slime and hippie grain dirt or whatever the hell she forces children to eat in school, hmm? Hypocrite. Fraud!

Ross Matthews, Jay Leno's former dandy jester turned Chelsea Lately panelist, recently lost a bunch of weight. Good for him! How'd he do it? Through terrible shame. Terrible shame instilled in him by none other than diamond willow reed Gwyneth Paltrow.

New York gay about town and Barneys creative director Simon Doonan just sold a manuscript for a diet book called Gay Men Don't Get Fat. While this is true, the real reason why gay men don't get fat might not be the most marketable message.

Fat man surgery! Epilepsy drugs! Apple poison! DASH diet! Survival rates! Zany parenting! Pet allergies! Medication overdose! And breastfeeding because you love life! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—voraciously!

For years, so-called "health experts" on the teevee have been saying "blah, blah, blah." That's really all we hear. We block that stuff out. But when we go back and watch the TiVo, they were saying "Stop eating so much salt, salt will kill you and give you a heart attack, just cut it with the salt, what are you a deer at a salt lick?"

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Natalie Portman's bones look amazing in Black Swan, right? So maybe being a vegan and going to ballet class will make you look like her, right? Wrong!

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

People fossils! Dinosaur fossils! Sexy science! Cheating ladies! Lucky black hearts! Weights losing weight! Faraway planets! Implant perils! Monster alfalfa! And black holes that trip you out! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with forgiveness!

Anorexics, rejoice: With asthma inhalers and vaporizers, inventor David Edwards turns physical food into a cloud, which dieters inhale to "sate chocolate or caffeine cravings" with no more than a single calorie. This is straight out of a futuristic farce.

Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!

HCG is a human hormone made during pregnancy. It's also a popular ingredient in diet potions. It's also a total fraud. Sorry, Carmen Electra!

The National Enquirer knows why President Obama is "scary skinny": He's "secretly battling stomach parasites." Worms slurping at the lining of your stomach: hot new D.C. diet craze! We hear Joe Biden swears by the festering maggot cleanse. [Previously]

The new white meat: horses.

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!