Good news: BP says that the siphoning tube is starting to work. Bad news: The spill is heading closer to a "loop current" that would pull it into the Atlantic Ocean and up the East Coast. [WSJ, AP, Getty]

A 5.7 Magnitude Earthquake hit the northwest of Puerto Rico last night. No injuries reporterd.

First it was a big stopper, then they wanted to, like, bung stuff in the leaking well, then it was a smaller stopper. Now BP plan to stop the oil by, you know, putting a tube in. [AP]

A Montreal family was killed when the "sensitive clay" on which their home was built spontaneously liquified and gave way. "Even a fly landing on the surface can set it off," geologist Michel Bouchard said. [NYT; pic via AP]

Via Twitter BP released a short underwater video of oil and gas gushing into the ocean thanks to the petroleum giant's oil rig accident last month. It's amazing to watch, until you realize it's absolute destruction. [Yahoo!]

A ten-year-old Dutch boy is perhaps the lone survivor among the 104 souls aboard Afriqiyah Air flight 8U771, which crashed last night in Tripoli. He's been taken to the hospital with "bone injuries." They're calling it a miracle. Sigh. [CNN]

Sweet merciful Space Jesus, save us. A communications satellite is adrift in space and might cross another satellite's orbit, disrupting all US cable TV broadcasts. Someone get Star Wars up and running or something! This menace must be stopped. [AP]

At least five are dead in Oklahoma as tornadoes wreak havoc across the state.

The devil's prayers have been answered. Known eater of food Gwyneth Paltrow has taped an episode of The Marriage Ref that will air tomorrow. Soon your marriage could be judged by Gwyneth Paltrow. More than it already is. Look, video!

Procter & Gamble is absolutely thrilled about this massive oil spill, because the free PR they get for cleaning off oily animals with Dawn™ brand soap is priceless. For the rest of us, bad news: it's worse than you thought.

Here's the world famous Grand Ole Opry House, which—like the rest of Nashville—is now soaking in flood water. Sakes alive! The Tennessean has complete coverage. [Pic: AP]

When US Air Flight 1549 hit some birds and lost power nigh upon 15 months ago, hero captain Sully Sullenberger heroically landed in the Hudson River, saving all aboard. One minor quibble: he could have landed safely at the airport.

This week, many things happened. Funny things, sad things, happy things. But mostly dumb things. Lots and lots of dumb things.

Five times more oil than previously thought may be leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.

AOL just sold ICQ for at least $100 million less than it paid, cementing the brand's infamous association with the absolute worst deals in internet history. To cut a deal with the internet conglomerate is to invite epic disaster.

The future architects of America's imperial decline, Harvard kids, came together for a good old-fashioned foam party last weekend. They tried. But these things aren't easy.

A funny thing about New Orleans is nobody has any idea how many people live there since that hurricane destroyed everything. You might say the census is the biggest thing to hit New Orleans since Katrina! Don't say that. [NYT]

An NOAA weather satellite captured dust rising from the ground in Baja California at around 3:30 p.m., presumably kickued up by this afternoon's 7.2 magnitude earthquake. Click through for a time-lapse animation.

Here's a story to ruin this gorgeous Friday evening. A Florida man convicted of scamming restaurants out of milkshakes and beef jerky (seriously) just dodged prison time because he is too fat. Only in America. But especially in Florida. [DailyMail]

A building on Conselyea Street in Williamsburg collapsed today. Dickchicken is getting great publicity.