DNA tests confirm that a former law professor who went to jail for kidnapping a student and using electroshock therapy on her, secretly fathered at least one child by switching in his own sperm at a fertility clinic he worked at

Good news for you hardcore genealogy enthusiasts: scientists have almost completely reconstructed the oldest DNA yet found in a humanlike species.

The New York Times reports that between mutations, resorbed twins, invasive fetal cells, marrow transplants, and who-knows-what-else, what looks like one individual person—maybe you!—is often in fact a chimeric mashup of multiple different sets of DNA. In one Canadian autopsy study, 63 percent of women had some male neurons in their brains, presumably from "cells originating in their sons."

Justice Antonin Scalia agrees with his fellow Supreme Court justices that naturally occurring genes can't be patented. Where he appears to differ: The existence of genes, the basic science of genetics, molecular biology, and evolution. He just dissented from all of the above.

The State of Mississippi has denied an inmate on death row the opportunity to be exonerated through DNA testing, a procedure that is almost always followed nowadays for prisoners facing capital punishment.

Here's to Rosalind Franklin, whose work to discover the structure of DNA was published by Watson and Crick 60 years ago today.

FBI Agent Robert Schmitz went to unusual lengths to solve a 2009 bank robbery: he snagged some of boxer Martin Tucker's blood from ringside during a fight, and matched the sample to DNA found in a mask used in the robbery.

If the UK's Daily Mirror is to be believed, Madonna's MDNA tour rider includes one particularly apt request from each venue she visits: Do not enter her dressing room until after it has been scrubbed clean of her DNA.

Tomatoes, the disarmingly jolly cousins of the nightshade family, finally yielded the last of their secrets to us today, as scientists announced they had successfully decoded the tomato genome — marking the end of a nine-year undertaking.

Seattle police have re-opened the 20-year-old cold case of Sarah Yarborough, who was killed in 1991, and using DNA samples from the scene, they've narrowed the suspect down. To a member of "the family of Robert Fuller, who settled in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1630 and had relatives who came over before him on the Mayflower."

To end these terrible falsehoods about fatherhood once and for all, beloved boy wonder Justin Bieber will give up some of his sacred DNA and (presumably) prove stuntwoman Mariah Yeater to be a trouble-making lying-liar-lady. The test will take place in two weeks, TMZ reports. It won't be broadcast live on pay-per-view for only $49.95, we're pretty sure.

Instead of creating cuddly animals that people might actually want (mini-giraffes for the home, hamsters large enough to put on a leash and take for walks), some Harvard University scientists are mixing up chicken DNA to make "embryos with alligator-like snouts instead of beaks." Great!

In the weeks before the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, the CIA had a prominent doctor organize a fake vaccination drive, in an attempt to secretly collect DNA from him and his family.

Seems like every time members of the Sanger Paranormal Society go looking for evidence of Bigfoot, they find some. How coincidental is that? This week, members announced that the notoriously shy forest dweller might have left some smudge marks on a truck belonging to the society's founder, Jeff Gonzalez.

Investigators have reportedly matched a DNA sample from ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn to "material" taken from the shirt of the hotel maid he's accused of assaulting. Other possible DNA evidence is still waiting for test results; till then, prosecutors have been leaking details about the alleged sexual assault — including Strauss-Kahn's purported egocentric overtures to his accuser.

Brain friends! Comet comparisons! DNA crime laws! Energy drink deceptions! Monster phalanges! Space sex! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—friendlessly, endlessly, relentlessly!

Courage theories! Sea drugs! Self-doubt conquering! Multi-species jet lag! True hair colors! The fattest place on earth! Dumb babies! And rovers that just won't quit! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—while "doing the robot," with words!

Staph inequality! DNA play okay! Probiotic neurotics! Supplement spikers! Sickening food! Fearless women! Caffeine kids! Young anorexics! And heart disease news for the old-person demographic! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a little something extra!

Scientists mapped notoriously drug-addled rocker Ozzy Osbourne's DNA and found genetic mutations they've "never seen before." Most of them are related to his tolerance for drugs and alcohol. There is still no scientific explanation for how he tolerates wife Sharon.

Scientists have discovered a "liberal gene" that, combined with an active adolescent social life, appears to correlate with liberal political views. And you thought you made your own choices about your politics! Ha, ha, not according to science.