An earthquake's coming! Junk DNA is mutating! The moon was shrinking! Happiness is thinking! Active cities are slimming! A galactic volcano's exploding! And the ocean is dying! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—until it collapses, inevitably!

Iceland's Supreme Court, citing DNA evidence from the exhumed body of chess champion Bobby Fischer, ruled he is not the father of a 9-year-old Filipino girl named Jinky Young. Fishcer died in 2008, leaving an estimated $2 million behind. [BBC]

Scientists have analyzed the DNA of geriatric New Englanders and believe they have discovered the genetic markers that predict extreme longevity. And because you are morbidly curious, you will soon be able to test yourself for those markers!

Researchers are mapping rock star Ozzy Osbourne's genome hoping to learn something about how the hell he survived, despite all the drugs, and the bat heads. Hopefully they will also figure out what made Master of Reality so bitching. [CBS]

The basic building block of life can now be yoked to blueprints synthesized in a lab: Scientists were, for the first time, able to get synthetic DNA to take over a living cell and then get that cell to reproduce.

Look at what hippie school Berkeley is doing now: getting DNA samples from incoming freshmen. Uh oh, has Berkeley finally turned into a totalitarian nightmare, just as its SDS chapter long suspected? No, of course there is a hippie justification.

On Friday, the drug store will be the first retail chain to offer a take home genetic test, for around $30. Just mail in a saliva sample and wait patiently for your life to be ruined! [Chicago Tribune, pic]

Scientists working on sequencing the Neanderthal genome have discovered that 1 to 4 percent of most people's DNA is inherited from Neanderthals, proving that even back then most people were sluts who would really just sleep with whoever. [CSM]

Sure, you knew Anderson Cooper was the adorable unicorn of TV news anchors, but did you know he is so incredibly magical he can roll his tongue into a "really complicated four-leaf clover?" He can! Tongue-rolling is a genetic trait, but one can't help wonder if Cooper has had some practice. He apparently shows his skills only to certain, uh, special friends, like fellow closeted media personality Barry Diller, who, no joke, compared tongue technique with Cooper at a special retreat in Idaho. Some Google people were there, and the next thing you know, the tonguing had resulted in a big genetic-testing soiree in New York! Here's what Ivanka Trump and Rupert Murdoch said about their DNA at the party:

Guess what you're doing about six-to-10 weeks from now? Going to a "spit party!" Thanks to some dynamite PR and one very fancy guest list, plucky young tech firm 23andMe has made DNA testing parties the hottest new trend around. And they're bringing it to the masses—via media moguls at Fashion Week parties, that is. Don't worry, it will eventually trickle down to the rest of us. We say plucky, of course, because the firm was co-founded by the wife of Google oligarch Sergey Brin, and has received "token funding" from Harvey Weinstein and Wendi Murdoch, wife of Rupert, and is having its coming out party this week in the New Yorker and the Times. It's the Little Startup That Could! But why would those folks want to convince yuppies with disposable income to spit into a tube and mail the spit to a research lab, where their complete genetic profile will be uploaded to the web to be shared with friends, loved ones, and curious sex partners? Isn't it obvious...?Google exists for one purpose: to catalog all the information in the known universe, because information is power. Rupert Murdoch exists for one purpose: to disseminate all that information and make a fortune off it. But Rupert Murdoch can't live forever ... unless! Hear us out: 23andMe compiles a record of the most ideal chromosomes from the world's most remarkable genetic freaks (Usian Bolt's speed, Gary Kasparov's logical reasoning, Michael Phelps' giant flippers), melds them with Murdoch's base double-helix blueprint, and then installs the self-aware Rupert virus on a Google server farm. You know how this story ends:

John Edwards' former lover Rielle Hunter may be keeping mum while the former politician drags her name through the mud, but Rielle's kid sister, Melissa, is having none of it. She doesn't buy Edwards' claims that he isn't the father of Rielle's baby. She wants the man to take a paternity test. And she wants him to shut the f- up! "I wish that those involved would refrain from bad-mouthing my sister," she says. "In the first reaction from Hunter's family, her younger sister Melissa told ABC News that Edwards should immediately follow through on his pledge to take a paternity test. 'I would challenge him to do so,' the sister said. 'Somebody must stand up and defend my sister.'"

A brief refresher course in what's currently going on in the wild world of the Lohans: Lindsay's dad, Michael, apparently banged some woman when he was separated from Lindsay's mom. The lady he banged had a child. Yesterday, Michael took a paternity test to see if the child is his. We're still waiting on that verdict, but stop the presses ... OK! Magazine has the first photos of Lindsay's potential half-sister Ashley!

All those crazy-ass H.P. Lovecraft stories are true. We are fracking aliens! "Scientists from the Imperial College of London claim to have found evidence that life on our planet did not originate from Earth itself. For the first time, the scientists say, it is confirmed that an important component of early genetic material found in meteorite fragments is of extraterrestrial origin."

Last week, shame hive Yale University brought us senior Aliza Shvarts, who claimed she'd been getting pregant and aborting said pregnancies as part of some kind art project. Then Yale said she never really got pregnant, though she still says she did. However, she also said that she wasn't sure if her bleeding was the result menstruation or those artistic abortions. Well if, as she claims, she does have the blood in a freezer somewhere, Discover magazine is on hand to settle these pesky questions once and for all.

For Black History Month, Buick is holding a big promo contest that will give the top winners "complete genealogy DNA test kits." Better prize, not offered: a Buick. [MultiCultClassics]