Dr. Thomas Michael Dixon, an Amarillo plastic surgeon with not terrible online ratings ("Very Good" at scheduling appointments, says healthgrades.com), allegedly hired a hitman to murder another doctor, who had been dating Dixon's ex-girlfriend. According to reports, Dixon paid David Shepard three silver bars, worth roughly $3000 each, to murder Dr. Joseph Sonnier III, the chief pathologist at Convenant Health in Lubbock.

Is your child peeing the bed? It's time to have a mature and serious discussion about stool. Constipation and stool. The New York Times, a mature and serious news organization, has helpfully enlisted pediatric urologist Steve J. Hodges to write a blog post entitled, "When Bedwetting Isn't an ‘Accident.'" Doctor?

Wonderful news for cheap people and kids looking to make a quick buck this summer: doctors at Memorial Hermann hospital in Houston live-tweeted some light brain surgery today, making it easier than ever to recreate the experience at home.

Doctors are way less into being doctors than they were a year ago, according to an annual survey conducted by Medscape. When asked if they would choose a career in medicine again, only 54 percent said yes — down from 69 percent last year.

Sex talk! Chewing tobacco! Cholesterol drugs! Womb psychology! Weight coaching! Baby abdomen! Kiwi heart! Medication erection! And hearing loss, say what? Haha. It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—age-appropriately!

When New Zealander Les Kennington, who is a man, visited a health clinic complaining about severe stomach pains, doctors suggested that his past hysterectomy might be to blame. They know he had a hysterectomy because his medical report says so. Why does it say so, though, given that Kennington is a man?

The freakshow oddity of Hollywood child bride Courtney Stodden and creepy actor husband Doug Hutchison has gone too far. Today, professional concern troll Dr. Drew subjected Courtney to televised breast examination. The goal: To prove scientifically whether or not her breasts are real.

Gel vagina! Too salty! Letrozole victory! Salad sal-monella! Teen IQs! Proton babies! Skeptical docs! Malaria vaccine! And women laugh like this, while guys laugh like this! Right, fellas? It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—masculariously!

Cancer sex! Coffee women! Insurance cost! Doctor complaints! Fatherhood hearts! Diarrhea pools! Killer cantaloupes! Sleepy teens! And cheese is coming to take your soul to hell! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—inappropriately!

Watson, the super computer that went head-to-head with two Jeopardy champions, has been hired by an insurance company so that it can diagnose people's diseases. Is this the worst idea ever?

Why is health care so goddamn expensive in the United States? One major factor is that "Doctors are paid higher fees in the United States than in several other countries," according to a new study. Related: Doctors demand a raise!

Phillip Seaton, the unlucky ducky whose bratwurst went bye-bye after his chopper doctor turned pecker wrecker, is finally having his day in court. Tell us, "Dr." John Patterson (pictured grinning with his high-priced attorney; do you find something funny, sir?), how did a simple circumcision become a member dismembering, leaving Phillip Seaton to wake up wangless without even a chance to bid tally-ho to his tallywhacker?

Haven't you always wondered if mouth-to-beak resuscitation—"bird CPR"—would actually work? Well! We can confirm that, yes, in at least one instance it has: Bend, Ore. veterinarian Jeff Cooney saved a bald eagle (named, boringly, "Patriot") this week by performing CPR on it. Patriot, whom Dr. Cooney is rehabilitating from an apparent car accident, was under anesthesia at the time; KTVZ provides the image above, though we're not sure if the photograph is a staged re-creation of the event or an actual action shot of the heroic lifesaving attempt. Either way, it's good to know that, in the event that you come across a dying bird, you may have a shot at saving its life. [KTVZ]

Dr. Michael Kamrava, the Beverley Hills fertility doctor who shoved 12 embryos into the baby parts of soon-to-be-"octomom" Nadya Suleman in 2008, will lose his license to practice medicine as of July 1. Kamrava, the California Medical Board argued in its decision, should have referred Suleman herself to a mental-health evaluation instead of helping her give birth to eight future therapy patients; it also found that the doctor had not exercised "sound judgment" in the cases of two other patients, neither of which were as bizarre or interesting as "octomom." [People; image via AP]

Are you sure that your doctor is a real doctor? It can be difficult to tell! For example, if he gives you a bottle of pills called "Prosperous Farmer Dietary Supplements" that expired in 2002, he is probably not credentialed.

Is your pediatrician trying to take away your gun? (Probably!) You should move to Florida, where a new law would prevent pediatricians from asking about guns in the home. Thanks, NRA, for telling doctors what they can, and can't, do.

Breakup pain! Men and doctors! Mommy medicine! Adolescent specialists! Dangerous dyes! Sleep weight loss! Death rate fluctuations! M.S. marijuana! And eating disorders of the olds! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or, like, whatever!

Dr. Ted Eisenberg is the world's most prolific boob job surgeon. He is also a champion knife-thrower: "My work spills into my hobby, and my hobby spills into my work. I bring that work focus to my knife-throwing." This is either a quirky anecdote from a Tom Robbins novel, or the beginning of a terrible horror movie directed by Georges Franju.

The last time Dr. Oz saw Jimmy, he offered to personally remove a mole from his hand. Because Dr. Memhet Oz films across the hall from Late Night, Jimmy popped in to the studio today to actually do it.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!