Cancer sex! Coffee women! Insurance cost! Doctor complaints! Fatherhood hearts! Diarrhea pools! Killer cantaloupes! Sleepy teens! And cheese is coming to take your soul to hell! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—inappropriately!

  • Let's tell men the truth about Sex and Prostate Cancer: it was like a 7, I'd say. I mean Prostate Cancer looks sexy on the outside but in bed she's a little cold, you know? Not bad though.
  • Women who drink more coffee are less depressed. Go, Jay Leno! "Yeah, my wife feels great, but how do I stop her from talking now? Yeah, in related news they discovered a secret ingredient in coffee: chocolate! Yeah, Starbucks is the new Midol." It is a big day in Jay Leno's world today.
  • A new report says that the cost of health insurance went up last year the most it has in six years, to more than $15K per year for a family. Or $168K for the Studebaker family, who were all born as hemophiliac heroin addicts who dance on pincushions for tips.
  • Primary care doctors in America complain that they feel pressured to do lots of unnecessary medical tests on patients. Hey, while you're complaining us patients are sick over here! Just do the freaking test okay? It's pig lupus I tell you, I saw it on House! As if I didn't already want to kill doctors, with guns!
  • Diarrhea: is your pool full of it? Yes, as is your kid.
  • Not only does fatherhood make men huge pussies; it also protects their hearts, by making them huge pussies. Steven Seagal don't think about no babies! Too busy having a spear fight, with his heart!
  • When are we going to get real about the fact that cantaloupes are killing everybody left and right, black and white, young and old, heart and soul? I can blow up a lot of cantaloupes with black market plastic explosives but I can't do it all myself, people. It's about us.
  • Blockbuster new CDC warning: Sleepy teens more likely to have risky behavior. Like falling down, or mumbling and the teacher's like "Speak up, Kevin" and then they accidentally stab someone with scissors. Your teen is also on PCP.
  • Cheese is the Grim Reaper. I knew it was you, cheese!

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