Nightmare online dater and "no fat chicks" policy-haver John Fitzgerald Page has updated his website. "Stalin. Hitler. Bin Laden. John Fitzgerald Page. Somehow, I am ranked at #1. My crime - murder? treason? pedophilia? rape? No, worse. A woman winked at me on the internet. I sent her an introdutory email. She tried to rescind her initial wink by saying we weren't a "personality" match . She ascertained that from my first email without ever speaking to me. Here is my crime. Instead of just letting her float away, I let her know that I feel that if you approach me, you should meet my standards and listed facts about myself." IT GOES ON: "The public hanging of me is making many of you happy. The catch-22 for you is that no publicity is bad publicity. I am getting offers for things - movies, books, TV shows. I have turned down every request." DO READ IT.

From the mailbag, regarding Ivy League alum and douchey online dater John Fitzgerald Page: "I talked to John Page for 3 hours last night. So I called him.....a couple of times (and yes that is all it took). I don't know where to go with the information I have now after talking to him for seriously 3 HOURS. I will send you a copy of my phone bill a) if ATT has put it up yet b) you tell me where to send it, to prove what I am saying.... What do I do with 3 hours of information from the most hated/loved/entertaining/douchey guy on the internet today?"

Hey, remember that wannabe i-banker douchebag Alexsey Vayner and his insanely braggy resume video? Do you recall Eric Schaeffer, the failed writer/director who hates women and blogs about how he can't believe he's still single? Well, what if they met and married and through some breakthrough in medical science had a baby? He would probably grow up to be something along the lines of Atlanta's John Fitzgerald Page, who in addition to working in corporate finance, being a part-time trainer, and being available for work as a "costumed character" or a "stand-in," also somehow finds the time in his day to be a colossal, mindbogglingly douchey douchebag to girls he meets on Match.com!

Things are super-fun in finance right now! Richard "Chip" Bierbaum, who is related to megasocialite Tinsley Mortimer (his stepfather is Tinsley's husband Topper's father's brother! Parse that!), and five of his bosses were cruelly let go from Calyon, the i-bank arm of Credit Agricole SA, over monster losses of $353 million. Mr. Bierbaum disputes that any of this is his fault and that he most certainly was not maintaining what the company called an "unusually large market position'' that was "above the authorized limit."

Despite having written about it a couple of weeks ago, we continue to receive emails about that self-described "articulate and classy" young woman who put her neck out there on Craigslist, flung caution and etiquette to the wind and flat-out asked if anyone could help her nab a guy with a salary of at least a half-million a year. Okay, so Jane Austen might have been just slightly more subtle, but this (alleged!) lady's tactics have captured the interest of many, including the New York Times, which today ran a piece about the idiot i-banker whose pissy response to our little gold digger included his JPMorgan Chase signature.

This weekend, not a moment too soon, "Saturday Night Live" presented the 2007 Douchebag Awards (fake-sponsored by Cigar Aficionado magazine, naturally). Have you noticed the rash of the use of the word "douchebag" on T.V. these last couple weeks? On "30 Rock" and even on "Bionic Woman"? It'll be the official word of the fall season, once it makes its way to "Kid Nation" and "Meerkat Manor."

Tim Sykes, formerly one of Trader Monthly's hot "30 under 30" who was the the butler-having star of 'Wall Street Warriors', has fallen on very hard times. He says that, due to investment in illiquid stocks, he is "unable to raise any money, unable to take any trading risk so all I can do is take advantage of my publicity efforts and turn that into my new career." He's now "a reporter for TheStreet.com" and MSN Money's "goto video guy." This all comes from his email correspondence with Trader Monthly; they banned him from their big party this week. In return, he offered them five great reasons why he should be reinvited! You see, he's now a financial expert in the media—even though his hedge fund bit it!

"Yale sophomore Casper Desfeux, 20, was arrested last week for allegedly filming himself having sex with a girl without her permission. Of course, a sex tape is nothing to keep private, so Casper apparently showed it to others. At some point, we're guessing, the girl found out. Even better? Casper's Danish, i.e. creepily European. His lawyer calls the whole thing a 'misunderstanding.'" [IvyGate]

"I like my women like I like my loafers: expensive, fit, and more often than not, with a bit of bling around their necks. They're probably my two favorite things in the world, women and loafers," writes the blogger behind Leveraged Sellout. And what he really enjoys each summer is the finance-world interns: Slightly stupid, starry-eyed and a little bit easy. Wherever can men such as him find women such as them?

For about ten minutes yesterday, a Ferrari was parked in front of our office on Crosby Street in SoHo. Since such a car usually has some jerkface inside, we rarely take the chance to peek in and see what's going on on the passenger side. We've been missing out! Let's take a closer look at what we found and annotate the damage!

It's not online, but it's worth your dropping your two bits for the Hamptons Survival Guide in today's Post, particularly if you enjoy reading about douchebags. In an article called "Pay for the Privilege," the paper introduces you to Tony Abrams, "lifestylist." Tony runs a concierge service called The 400 (the allusion to Mrs. Astor's famous list is intentional) which, for an annual fee of $7500, will facilitate the invitations and reservations that sad-ass Manhattan douchebag professionals cannot wangle on their own.

If a website with pictures of hot ladies and fug dudes in shiny shirts isn't enough to sate your appetite for that stuff, well, good news!

Meet "Andrew." He's an investment banker who enjoys fine cigars, small-batch bourbon, and being a gigantic douche in local newspapers. He also has a pitifully low investment banker salary of $190K including bonus. Doesn't that mean he's actually in the mailroom? Anyway. In today's Post feature on "Tools of the Trade"—those are the clothes, gadgets, and toys New Yorkers "can't live without" (should we take them away so that they die?)—never has a headline so accurately captured the essence of its subject.

Hey, see that guy over there by the bar? OMG, don't point! He'll see that we're checking him out! Turn around slow, like you are just happening to look over in that direction... totally hot, right? I just love that tattooed-sleeves look. It reminds me of like, really tough and cool rock stars. Like Benji Madden! Or maybe Dave Navarro but he is kind of old. Do you think he would buy me a drink? I don't even have any piercings except my navel and my ears!!! I am probably so not his type. I mean, you have to be seriously committed to being like really, really alternative to have fully tattooed arms like that. There are probably a lot of jobs that guy couldn't have, like, they probably would not let him work in a day care! He is probably a DJ or, like, a whitewater rafting guide. Wait! What is that thing at his wrist? Um, are his tattoos actually just TATTOO-PATTERNED NYLON ARM STOCKINGS?

It's like along with the gene for making money comes the gene for assholishness! Remember Tim Sykes (no relation to Bergdorf Blonde Plum, unfortch), star of Wall Street Warriors, a 25-year-old West Village short-seller? He's young but his Wall Street ways go way back:

We cringingly directed you yesterday to Rudius blogger Eric Schaeffer's site, where he alternately wonders why he can't find love and makes it glaringly obvious why he can't find love (he's the kind of pompous misogynist who makes Norman Mailer look like Rebecca Traister. Also, he's short). The aftermath in our inbox was brutal: we learned way, way, way more than we ever wanted to know about Schaeffer, including the fact that he has a book, also entitled I Can't Believe I'm Still Single (DON'T BUY IT! Seriously, if one person buys Schaeffer's book because of this, we might have to quit Gawker and go work for NOW to expiate our debt to womankind) coming out this spring from Thunder's Mouth Press. Here's the blurb from, you guessed it, T*cker M*x:

A friend passes along this email from deep inside the bowels of [marketing type place], which he assures us is not a joke:

CNet editor James Kim's body was discovered less than twenty-four hours ago, but, let's be honest, every situation provides an opportunity for enterprising self-promoters to get themselves out there. Step forward "life change and survival expert Cheryl Perlitz," who wants to let you know how you might survive a similar situation! Should you care to read what is the creepiest press release we've received this week, we've placed it after the jump.

We noticed the above entry yesterday on Time Out New York's blog (yes, they have one); when we sent a link to a co-worker moments later, it was already gone, a victim, this mySpace posting seems to indicate, of a prudish sensibility that finds references to feminine hygiene shocking and in poor taste. Or else they just don't like waffles; it's hard to tell. We demand answers.

Are you looking to change careers? Are you also a total douchebag? We may just have the job for you! Head over to 420 West 23rd Street this Friday, where you'll have the opportunity to prove your completely justified sense of self-worth to the bright lights of Mark Ecko (sorry, we don't know how to code that line over the "o") Enterprises! This could be your big chance. We've put the full ad in all its dickflappy glory after the jump, but our favorite part is the line at the end, which declares that "We are an Opportunistic Employer." No kidding!