Wired 15.12 comes in at two pounds, half the weight of a September Vogue. Most of it's the water weight of ads and a shopping guide, and I've summarized the meat of the issue in 1,200 words, so now you don't need to pick it up and risk ergonomic injury.

In one interview with Universal Music Group CEO Doug Morris, Wired was able to unravel years of consumer perplexity at the record labels' digital naiveté. Why, exactly, were they being so stupid about selling music online? Morris not only likened the music business to a Shmoo, but he also admitted that he (nor, apparently, anyone in the industry) understands technology. In case his rambling about faucets that produce Coca-Cola were too confusing, Joel Watson has broken the interview down into more understandable terms with his Web comic Hijinks Ensue.

"We make a lot of money from him, and suddenly you're wearing golden handcuffs. We would hate to give up that income." — Universal Music Group chief Doug Morris, on why Universal won't leave Apple's iTunes store anytime soon. Steve Jobs does have an interesting relationship with his girlfriends, doesn't he? [The Register]

Earlier this month Edgar Bronfman, the mogul behind Warner Music Group, copped to starting the current file-sharing war between the recording industry and consumers, blaming the business's "glacial" adoption of digital sales. If the recording industry ever needed a poster boy for its digital naiveté, it could sign up Universal Music Group's Doug Morris. Seth Mnookin spent an afternoon with Morris on behalf of Wired magazine. Along with equating the music industry to a Shmoo, Morris blamed college students for stealing music while admitting he's ignorant of technology.

"There was a cartoon character years ago called the Shmoo. It was in Li'l Abner. The Shmoo was a nice animal, a nice fella, but if you were hungry, you cut off a piece of him and put onions on it, and if you wanted to play football you just made him like a football. You could do anything to him. That's what was happening to the music business. Everyone was treating the music business like it was a Shmoo." — Universal Music Group CEO Doug Morris, on the "opportunities of digital music." [Wired]

Doug Morris, head of Universal Music, the most powerful of the four major record-label groups, thinks he has a plan to reclaim the music industry from Apple, maker of the iPod and iTunes. There are scant details and the plan is in flux, but the basic idea, dubbed Total Music, is this: All of the studios will pool their content for online distribution and share in the revenue. The service will be a subscription subsidized by any form of provider: device manufacturers, music stores, cellphone carriers, whomever. The consumer doesn't have to pay for a music service because it's baked in, the music industry finally gets the revenue stream that they've been missing. But we're skeptical.

Maer Roshan's new mag Radar isn't even on the stands yet, and it's already stirring up controversy. Radar reporter John Connolly was assigned an investigative piece on Doug Morris, the head of Universal Music Group. Ex-Sony Music chief Tommy Mottola has been trying to negotiate some sort of deal with UMG and wants the piece "to go away." The story isn't finished yet, but Morris is reportedly nervous because Radar is backed by ex-HBO exec Michael Fuchs, who once fired Morris when they were working at Warner Music Group. Morris returned the favor by getting Fuchs fired shortly thereafter. Next up: UMG artist 50 Cent writes rap song called "Fuchs you, bee-yatch!"
Eminem's record company [FOX News]