Gluten taste! Chronic fatigue! E. coli! Lady clots! Food symbols! Cilantro nastiness! Sun safety! And eluding mosquitoes with potions made of science! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hotly, of course!

Making small talk with your pot dealer sucks. Buying cocaine can get you shot. What if you could buy and sell drugs online like books or light bulbs? Now you can: Welcome to Silk Road.

"The one drug I'd like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It's apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I'm not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I'm not kidding you. Everyone!" —Courtney Love in an interview with The Fix about sobriety.

Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

People are constantly coming up with new and occasionally ingenious ways to smuggle contraband into jail. There's the butt trick, the prosthetic leg stuff, the penis tuck, and of course, vaginas. Lots of vaginas. And last week, when a woman in Iowa was pulled over for driving drunk and hotboxing, she went with the vagina — a mistake that could cost her money and extra jail time. From the Press-Citizen:

Blood tests! Omnipresent alligators! Abounding planets! European telescope! Disappearing Avandia! Sniffing mammals! Laser wheelchairs! Repulsive energy! And DIY levees! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—as if Schrodinger's cat would allow such a thing!

Grease star and former Celebrity Rehab exploitee Jeff Conaway, 60, is in a coma. The Hollywood Reporter spoke to his manager, who says it was caused by an overdose of pain relievers. He was discovered unconscious on May 11.

Kindergarten can be a difficult transition for a lot of kids. You know what makes it easier? Heroin.

Two towns in Massachusetts are trying to ban Lazy Cakes, a "relaxation brownie," because excesss amount of melatonin in the baked (hehe, get it?) good made some kids sick. This whole thing is really stupid.

Two mayors in Massachusetts are livid over brownies called Lazy Cakes, that contain 8mg of sleep aid melatonin, saying the cartoon on the package is a scheme to attract children. The mayors of Fall River and New Bedford now want them banned. One doctor called the Lazy Cakes marketing scheme "heinous," while one mayor called it "despicable." So much anger, man. But the company told the Boston Herald that Lazy Larry, the budget brownie version of Sponge Bob, isn't meant to attract kids at all:

Walterboro, S.C. resident Edward V. Spearman has been charged with trafficking illegal, hallucinogenic Psilocybin mushrooms that he allegedly grows in his secret mushroom laboratory. But Spearman's lawyer says his client's wares are actually flavorful shiitake mushrooms, which are legal even in South Carolina (for now).

What was Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern doing before he started eating bull testicles for a living? He was homeless and stealing old ladies' purses to fund his cocaine, heroin, and alcohol habit, that's what. [The Fix]

"Crack is whack" singer Whitney Houston is apparently in outpatient rehab for drugs and alcohol yet again. This is her third stint, but the first since 2005.

Maybe the "don't try to force students to sell drugs for you" page had been torn out of Anthony Davis' "How to Be a Successful Student Aide" handbook, because that's what he allegedly went ahead and did.

When no treatments would work to cure his 2-year-old son Cash's brain tumor, Mike Hyde did something drastic: he gave the kid a dose of cannabis oil. Initially it was to get him to start eating again. That worked and now Cash is cancer-free.

Hope Brodie, 26, spent last Sunday cooking up a batch of PCP in a noodle pot in her New Haven, Connecticut apartment. She didn't bother to wash the pot very well. The next day, a relative used that same pot to cook a batch of noodles. These noodles were fed to Hope Brodie's five year-old daughter. Whoops.

Police in San Bruno, California on Friday responded to a burglary call after neighbors spotted two men busting down the door of a home shared by two little old ladies. Officers arrested the men down the road carrying $12,000 in cash, plastic baggies and seven hits of ecstasy. But when they returned to the scene of the crime, police found a marijuana jungle.

Reporters have discovered all kinds of marijuana plants growing around the compound in which Osama Bin Laden had been living since 2006. Did his death end the War on Terror and the War on Drugs? Probably! Both CNN and The Daily Telegraph note the "small plots of marijuana growing in the deserted lots on the compound's perimeter." The Telegraph describes it as "wild cannabis" (and notes that it gives the area "a pleasant fragrance in the hot early summer air"), and it's not uncommon for weed to just be growing as, literally, a weed in parts of Pakistan. But if the White House is allowed to just make up whatever it wants about the mission that killed Bin Laden, we feel confident saying: Osama was growing bud. Why else was he buying so much soda?

Police in Charleston, West Virginia, found Mark Thompson wandering around the woods in a bra and panties and covered in the blood of his neighbor's pygmy goat, which he had killed in his bedroom. He had been high on "bath salts" for three days.

A Pennsylvania woman found a five-pound package of marijuana on her doorstep this week. The same thing happened to a nearby elderly couple. What should you do if you receive a large package of weed? Let us help you.