Here's a video of upscale men's workwear model Rick Perry accepting a jug of maple syrup at an event in New Hampshire. Now, we're not saying that he's definitely drunk, we're just saying, watch the whole thing. Or, if you don't have time, skip ahead to around 2:20, because that's where it starts getting really drunk. I mean, good. Really good. This is how animated GIFs get made, folks! [via Mother Jones]
Breakups are bad news, as we all know. Who here hasn't spent a week binging on raw cookie dough and episodes of The Good Wife after getting dumped? Or gotten behind the wheel of his cab, naked and drunk, and crashed into 17 cars?
Kim Delaney, of NYPD Blue and Army Wives "fame", was giving a "speech" at the National Constitution Center to honor former defense secretary Robert Gates yesterday. Well, she showed up looking a mess and barely making sense while she tried to read the speech off a teleprompter. Oh, and it was on live TV.
With statewide unemployment at 8.8% and a withering manufacturing base, the good men and women charged with conducting the People's Business in the Ohio Statehouse are doing what any right-thinking statesman would: Considering the installation of a bar in the state capitol, for drinking.
Hats off to Sunland Park, New Mexico Mayor Martin Resendiz, for making the useless invalids in Washington look vaguely — vaguely — competent in comparison! Because it turns out that Mayor Resendiz only signed those nine contracts with the company that is now suing his city for seven figures because he was really, really drunk.
We know you've been distracted by the debt-ceiling "crisis" and the borderline personalities that enabled it—but let's not forget our state legislators, who are far dumber, and generally drunker, than our congressional representatives could ever hope to be!
There are so many reasons to have kids! One of the not-great reasons is the best is probably "so you have someone to drive when you're wasted." Like Billy Joe Madden, who slept off a bender while his 8-year-old son drove his truck. On a highway. From Mississippi to Dallas.
Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people are in jail. And so are you, because of something you did while drunk. This is because so many people are binge drinking now, I bet.
Our nation's fast food outlets are all in that "teenage phase" right now, in which they all try to "find themselves" by trying on various new identities. Denny's is a "diner. Panera is a hippie haven. Everywhere else is now a "cafe." The only thing that our nation's fast food outlets can all agree on: they need more drunk people on their premises.
A 21-year-old gentleman from Molalla, Ore., was caught peeing in one of Portland's major reservoirs (in Mt. Tabor Park, pictured), leading the city to drain the entire thing—all 7.8 million gallons—at a cost of more than $36,000. Of course an uncovered reservoir probably has a lot of gross things in it: Dead rodents, for example, and pee from other animals. And even if the guy had drunk an entire Big Gulp, we're talking at most about eight ounces of urine, in nearly 8 million gallons of water. Portland Water Bureau administrator David Schaff does not care: "Do you want to drink pee?" he asked The Oregonian. [Oregonian]
You don't usually remember the stumbles you take when drunk—in fact, usually, you have to reconstruct them the next day, based on a makeshift forensic analysis of cuts and bruises. But thanks to London's commitment to violating basic privacy rights through the use of an extensive network of security cameras, this as-yet unidentified gentleman shouldn't have a problem figuring out how, exactly, he got that huge gash on his head. (From flipping over a bannister.) [The Sun]
As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god damn American beer. Budweiser. Miller. The shit that G.I. Joe would drink.
The next time you're getting drunk in some bar — let's call it Boomer's — and a stranger suddenly offers to take you to the bank and help you open up a new account, maybe don't go with them. Yeah, just keep on drinking.
Today is St. Patrick's Day! Before you go get completely shit faced on green beer, Guinness, and Jameson, there's one thing you need to do: Admit that you don't give a shit about St. Patrick's Day.
Just a few weeks ago, I would have said Glee needed a twelve step program, but these days it looks like it's well on its way to recovery. Yes, the show had to get completely wasted to give us one of its best episodes in a long time.
