Illinois resident Erin James was caught speeding early Friday morning after she spent a night out celebrating getting her driver's licence back after a DUI arrest. She was drunk this time, too.

Peripatetic poet-reporter Charlie LeDuff, author of Detroit: An American Autopsy, was arrested and* charged with aggravated assault after allegedly biting a security guard's finger this weekend, the Detroit Free Press reported. The incident happened at a St. Patrick's Day parade.

The average British person is too drunk to know how drunk he is.

Like everybody else in Hollywood, Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez was trashed after Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony. Watch above as Justin Bieber's 20-year-old ex wobbles and slurs gushing praise for the show (which was great on weed, too, according to...uh...one of two of us who led Gawker's Liveblog of the ceremony). "It was a good moment for me," she says of Jennifer Lawrence winning Best Actress Musical/Comedy for Silver Linings Playbook. She clarifies, "I don't even know her, but I think she's so cool." Oh.

The best thing about Golden Globes night is that it provides dinner to a roomful of stars who otherwise could not afford to feed themselves. The celebs sit smushed elbow-to-elbow at round dinner tables and the International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton looks like an Olive Garden the ad sales department has rented out for its 2003 F-ad-bulous Employee Recognition Dinner. Also everyone gets wasted, which is great for .gifs.

Last week we asked you to come up with gifts for the type of person who might decide to drink whiskey out of the bottle in lieu of cooking dinner. From delicious mixers to hangover cures, here's the best of what you drunk people came up with:

Drunk people aren't as easy to buy gifts for as you might think. It's true that everything they need to keep themselves entertained comes in a nice little bottle, but on the other hand they could probably really use something practical to compliment their drunkenness—something they can appreciate even when they are sober and something you can appreciate even when they are drunk. But what do you get for a person who likely won't remember that you bought them a gift? The best path to go down is the one that will make you both happy. Whatever you buy should triple as a durable necessity for when your drunk friend is too drunk, something that will minimize your involvement in their late-night shenanigans, and something that will still seem like a useful/fun gift if they open it sober.

Apparently, all publicity is not good publicity if you're one of the fine and Moral corporate types at Anheuser-Busch. It seems as though their trademark product, the mediocre but perfectly acceptable Budweiser, is prominently featured in the new film Flight, which is about a functional alcoholic named Denzel Washington who flies planes for a living, or something along those lines. One of Washington's self-destructive beverages of choice is Budweiser, a fact which has the company all in a tizzy because, you see, despite spending hundreds of millions a year to push Bud on anyone who watches any sort of sporting event, Anheuser-Busch is all about responsible boozing.

Earlier this week, a worker from the Lab Animal Services division of a Georgia research university was found spending time at work with the lab animals he loved.

Some asshole was arrested and beaten up by a Dutch girl in London yesterday after attempting to hit sprinter and noted polite person Usain Bolt with a bottle just before the start of the men's 100 meter final.

Jesse Jackson's talentless son Junior has just enough talent—none!—to be a congressman based exclusively on who his daddy is. And pursuant to the grand tradition of congressional scions, he seems to have disappeared on a bender and ended up in detox.

Teens, the adolescent versions of Baby Geniuses, are known for having great ideas.

Everyone loves a good "Oh, girl. YOU JUST GOT CALLED OUT" story. Today's comes from San Francisco.

A 40-year-old woman from Altoona, Pennsylvania was recently arrested for drunk driving after she tried (or, perhaps more tellingly, after she failed) to seduce a state trooper. And now you want some details, right?

Check out this video of an unbelievably wasted girl tries to have sex with a tree after getting in a fight with it, at Ultra Music Festival 2012, as a crowd gathers in a circle chanting "fuck the tree." Download our free drugs sex tree fight Megaupload Ultra rave ecstasy sex. Free Ultra 2012 download fuck the tree rave music Skrillex Bieber. Drugs Tree. [via Hipster Runoff]

One Boston politician is promoting new legislation that would call on parking attendants to keep drunk drivers off the roads.

Wheel of Fortune host and stealth tea partier Pat Sajak gave an interview to ESPN 2's Dan Le Batard and revealed that he and Vanna White used to get so drunk on the set of their show, they "had trouble recognizing the alphabet."

Here you see (an extremely uncooperative) Carlos Fabara, an NYPD sergeant of 14 years experience, being hauled off a Greyhound bus and arrested, for being drunk. Too drunk to ride a Greyhound bus? Think about that. A helpful Youtube commenter explains: "yeah so before the video was taken, he and his friend were stumbling drunk and slurring when they boarded (too early) and refused to get off when they were asked to wait outside with the other ticketed customers. Plus, the driver was on a short fuse after [a man was kicked off for smoking cigarettes in the bathroom], so things just escalated really quickly. they weren't doing anything in particular, but they also weren't cooperating. not really sure if they deserved to get arrested, but the one officer did."

After studying 208 unmarried couples and their drinking habits, researchers at Canada's Dalhousie University have discovered that the binge-drinking of one partner in a relationship often transfers to the other partner. Alcohol abuse is a contagious disease.

Uhhhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ummmmmmfffff. Dude we were like... what time is it? Fuck. Morning in America already?