Offering another clear example of why we can't have nice (probably unethical) things, the mother of a two-year-old who fell into a zoo's cheetah enclosure yesterday is accused of dangling the boy over the exhibit beforehand.

I'm going to go with a resounding YES. I don't have the energy to fact check the entire thing, but something tells me this line at 1:52 might not actually be true: "When your obese brothers and sisters get stuck on the stairway on 9/11 preventing fit people from getting through and surviving you make it part of my business."

It was bad enough living next to a superfund site with limited subway access, but now these neo-Nazis prowling the streets are really making life in Greenpoint unappealing. Right next to the vegan bakeries and rockabilly barbers, wafting in like the stench of rotten pirogis, a group of misguided Polish youth are embodying the worst stereotypes of their homeland.

Hopefully, people. Hopefully.

A young man in Tennessee is facing criminal charges after he had to be Lifeflighted off the highway for treatment of gunshot wounds. No, he wasn't involved in a road rage shootout. 23-year-old Justin Newberry accidentally shot himself in both legs after his handgun, The Judge, slid out from under his seat while he was driving. Newberry grabbed The Judge by its trigger. Oh, and cops found weed, paraphernalia and fake IDs in the car. Ahh... there's nothing quite like being 23, high as fuck, armed and driving.

A 43-year-old dentist from the Chicago area, William Anthony Howe is recovering in the hospital after he crashed head-on into another car on the interstate last Saturday. Howe was going the wrong way and the two people in the car he crashed into are dead. And it gets worse: A witnesses told the Chicago Tribune that Howe "was rifling around his passenger seat and picked up a handful of cash and threw it out the window." Several cars pulled over to grab the money. Shockingly, Howe was driving a red Porsche. So, why would some dickhead in a Porsche make it rain while driving the wrong way on the interstate? This could have something to do with it:

A Chinese man possibly named Wu Gang was arrested after someone recognized him as a murder suspect competing on a popular dating show called Happy League. He was wanted for a stabbing a man 13 years ago. Oops. [AP]

While the rest of Washington squabbles over the debt ceiling, one man has been fighting for your right to buy real lightbulbs. Republican Congressman Joe Barton — of BP "shakedown" fame — has been trying to overturn the 2007 law that requires lightbulbs to operate 30 percent more efficiently by 2012. Barton lost last night after failing to get two-thirds support in the House.

Here is video of some guy practicing his quick draw on a menacing target. "I just fucking shot myself!" The slow motion replay is particularly good.

An old man named Andrew Castle was sentenced to 10 years in jail for admitting he tried to kill his wife with a homemade electric chair after she asked for a divorce. From the Guardian:

There are very few instances when eating anything at all from McDonald's deserves a pass. Post-joint/blunt/bong rip/whatever is one of them. But when you're getting high in public it pays to be at least somewhat vigilant (when possible). Just ask flagrant 21-year-old Jose Barrera of Elgin, Illinois:

The Los Angeles Times has read the congressional report on the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives operation called Fast and Furious during which federal agents sold 1,765 guns to Mexican smugglers (and then drug cartels), and guess what? It was a really bad idea.

People are constantly coming up with new and occasionally ingenious ways to smuggle contraband into jail. There's the butt trick, the prosthetic leg stuff, the penis tuck, and of course, vaginas. Lots of vaginas. And last week, when a woman in Iowa was pulled over for driving drunk and hotboxing, she went with the vagina — a mistake that could cost her money and extra jail time. From the Press-Citizen:

Danish director Lars von Trier probably thought saying "I'm a Nazi," and other stupid, unfunny things at the Cannes film festival was funny. The festival's board didn't, and today declared him "a persona non grata," and gave him the boot.

A Houston teacher of the ancient Islamic discipline "Algebra" has been suspended for making fun of a ninth grade Muslim student, in front of the whole class, following Osama bin Laden's death. The PC Police strike again! As they should, because this guy sounds like a priceless moron.

Chet "CHET HAZE" Hanks is not just a rapping Northwestern University fraternity member and A-list movie star scion; he is also true American patriot. On this peerless day in American history, Chet took to Twitter to patriotize your bitch ass.

What's dumber than getting a tattoo on your ass of the Tasmanian Devil chugging a beer while peeling out in a hot rod? Getting a full chest piece that recreates that murder you committed outside of a liquor store several years back, that's what.

What's dumber than a gun show? A gun show that allows people to bring their own weapons. Especially when someone decides they're going to bring a .45 caliber handgun after they've been drinking, load said handgun, and then accidentally shoot an old man and a teenager. According to the AP, 30-year-old Joshua Wilkinson went to the Tri-State Gun and Knife Show on Saturday in Evansville, Indiana, where:

Texas governor Rick Perry yesterday went on a tirade about border control and Mexico, asking "How many more American citizens are going to have to die?" He then said, "Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America." Oops. [Politico; via Daily Intel]

The Oregon Congressman who sent bizarre emails and pictures to his staff, David Wu, spoke with the AP about his rather odd behavior and it seems we have a culprit: The guy is a total pill head.