Yesterday, I planned to write a blistering takedown of the FDA’s latest consumer update, a document bearing the laughable title “Raw Dough’s a Raw Deal and Could Make You Sick.” I even had two working headlines, “FDA Warns Against Raw Cookie Dough But Life is Short Go Hard” and “Chickenshit FDA Issues Raw Cookie Dough ‘Warning.” Alas, I can no longer go forward.

A terrible year for Chipotle just got worse, with the announcement of a federal criminal investigation into the Mexican chain’s norovirus-laced burrito death bars.

Once again, Chipotle is just plain-out refusing to take down its signature diarrhea-inducing burrito—a menu item that is as unpleasant as it is unpopular.

Chipotle’s signature Halloween “Boorito” came with an extra-scary addition this holiday season: pathogenic strains of E. coli, a bacterium that can be fatal in some cases.

Following a "bloody diarrhea outbreak" that left 74 of its patrons wondering why their God had forsaken them, Federico's Mexican Food in Litchfield Park, Arizona, is begging people to "come back" — and offering them free burritos if they do.

Remember last week when IKEA recalled some meatballs for containing horsemeat, even though horse is a kind of meat, so technically they were still balls of meat, i.e. "meatballs"? Today the Swedish furniture behemoth recalled some almond cakes after tests revealed they contained a bacteria normally found in poop.

Just shortly after declaring bean sprouts from an organic farm in Germany the cause of an E. coli outbreak in Europe that has killed 22 and sickened thousands, health officials have now backpedaled.

After all of the trash talking and "cucumber slurs" between Germany and Spain over where the deadly "mutant" E. coli outbreak originated, we may finally have the culprit: sprouts from a farm in Uelzen, Germany. Samples from the farm are being tested now. A German agriculture official told the BBC that "a connection has been found involving all the main outbreaks" and the farm in Uelzen. Uh, sorry Spanish cucumber farmers!

This is just what the world needs now: A deadly, never before seen "mutant" strain of E. coli. That's exactly what the World Health Organization says is responsible for killing 17 people in Germany this week. Of the 1,500 people who are sick with the strain being attributed to cucumbers, 470 "have developed a rare kidney failure complication." A WHO food expert, Hilde Kruse, told MSNBC that this new strain shows "various characteristics that make it more virulent and toxin-producing" than regular old deadly E. coli. Oh, boy.

The deadly E. coli outbreak in Germany could become a legal battle with Spanish authorities threatening to sue Hamburg officials for blaming Spanish cucumbers, which was proven false. The cucumber slur has cost Spain an estimated 200 million euros.

What's worse than sticking your hand down a public toilet? Gripping a shopping cart, apparently. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Arizona found that of 87 shopping cart handles examined, 72 percent had markers for fecal matter. And of those 87 carts, 36 had E. coli. Just how bad is that?

Some strains of the intestinal bacterium E. coli can kill you. This one can solve Sudoku puzzles. I don't know which one is scarier.

Hospitals in Britain are on alert after a new drug-resistant "superbug" was found in around 50 patients, many of whom recently had cosmetic surgery in Pakistan and India. Experts warn it coud produce infections that are "almost impossible to treat."

The Valley Meat Company in Modesto, California has recalled one million pounds of frozen beef products after six people were found to be sick from E. coli. The beef was supplied primarily to stores on the west coast. [FPJ]

Nestle found E. coli in Toll House cookie dough this week, but they caught it before it left the factory. Plus they are really into "no E. Coli" since last year's huge E. coli cookie dough recall. So, eat up!

Good news for those of you with unrefined palates and propensity to ingest garbage: Taco Bell is over that nasty bout of E. coli that has made nearly fifty area residents ill.