Britain's Daily Mail this weekend tackled head-on an issue most U.S. papers have danced around: John McCain's first wife, Carol, who faithfully raised his children and awaited his return from a North Vietnamese prison. Unfortunately, she was in a terrible car accident while McCain was a P.O.W., and the doctors had to cut away at her leg bones and pump her full of medication, making her both shorter and fatter than the swimsuit model she had once been. McCain bought her a beach house, ran around with other women and left her for his current wife, Cindy, then 25 and rich.

Slate put together an eight-minute video of basically everything that happened in the Democratic primar... Wait! It's an excellent video! See, the primary may have been near-eternal mental torture that ate away at our nation's soul, but it's all over, so now we can sit back and laugh at the lowlights, and forget that we ever thought about jamming ice picks into our ears. I, for one, had somehow completely forgotten about the Obama headdress scandal and Samantha Powers calling Hillary Clinton a dragon. And when the term "viability threshold" entered the zeitgeist (wait, did that last one ever actually happen?). Laugh and cry and, hopefully, forget, with the video after the jump.

Hillary Clinton tonight announced her impending, merciful departure from the endless Democratic primary she already lost. Instead of angrily demanding to be co-president with Barack Obama or whatever, as it seemed she might after her non-concession speech Tuesday, Clinton will on Saturday "extend my congratulations to Senator Obama and my support for his candidacy" during a thank-you event for her supporters, according to an email published on Wonkette. "I will be speaking... about how together we can rally the party behind Senator Obama." The email blitz is, of course, a bit of a "fuck you" end-run around the media, who Hillary has not trusted, ever. And it allowed her to delay this announcement until she could confirm Oscar De La Renta was available to put together a very special pantsuit. Full pre-concession email after the jump.

Some of Hillary Clinton's crazy dead-enders, the sort of supporters who like to wear stickers on their foreheads, screamed criticisms of Barack Obama during Clinton's end-of-election speech Tuesday night, nearly interrupting her. Less privileged cultists vented their hysterics on Web forums like HillaryClintonForum.net, where they said Obama "sounds like a donkey," only got into law school thanks to affirmative action and is a front for Islamic extremists. You can practically feel the Democratic party getting stronger. Some excerpts:

On June 18, Michelle Obama will be on daytime lady talk show The View, and not as some piddling guest, either, as producers originally proposed: The prospective first lady is going to be a full host, just like Cindy McCain, except unlike Cindy she's widely expected to call Barbara Walters "whitey," curse and burn an American flag. As a full host, Obama will get "to help interview guests and participate in the opening 'hot topics,' or banter about what's in the news that day," and also shift uncomfortably as her randy co-hosts ask about husband Barack and his, uh, physical fitness. I guess this is Michelle Obama's big chance to prove to prospective Barack supporters that she's not the crazy, mouthy free-thinker she's been made out to be. Just like a certain other would-be presidential wife had to do 16 years ago. How far we've come. Michelle should totally show up in a burka. After the jump, how the View ladies welcomed Michelle's husband.

Emailed stalker sighting of the presumptive Democratic nominee: "Barack Obama - Spotted. 84th and Park. Shook his hand. Dude has a nice watch!" Obama did have a scheduled fundraiser in New York today.

Tonight might be a very important and momentous occasion, with a black man securing a major-party presidential nomination for the first time in history and all, but Anderson Cooper isn't going to let that stop him from being outrageous and giggly. The dreamy CNN anchor was interviewing Donna Brazile, strategist for a long string of failed Democratic presidential candidates, when he said something complimentary that made her blush and declare, "you're not my boo." When Cooper replied that "I want to be your boo," everyone got a little flustered and giddy and, probably, confused. Anderson, clearly lost at sea, asked everyone to explain what the word "boo" means to him at some later time. In the meantime, Cooper should be thanked for ensuring that tonight really was an important time for bridge-building and new directions in America. Clip after the jump.

Sure, the Times has joined ABC News, NBC News, CNN and AP in declaring Barack Obama the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee based on his delegate count after a victory in Montana and sufficiently strong showing in South Dakota. But after Obama rival Hillary Clinton refused to do the same and finally, mercifully concede during a speech tonight, no one really knew what Obama would say. Well, he stuck to the script: "I will be the Democratic nominee," followed by a polite nod to Clinton and her campaign, then a pelting of John McCain, starting with this: "I honor [his military] service, and I respect his many accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine." Video excerpt of the speech after the jump.

Hillary Clinton isn't conceding anything until her demands are met: she wants to be, according to the talking heads on TV, the vice presidential nominee; to have a "Teddy Kennedy" moment in the spotlight at the convention; and to have a big influence over the platform. That's why, in her speech tonight at the end of the Democratic primary process, at a time when Obama has won Montana and collected sufficient delegates in South Dakota to be the presumptive nominee, she declared she wasn't going to formally drop out of the race. She congratulated Obama for the "race he has run" instead of "the race he has won." Her suicide cult supporters were apparently ensconced in some kind of bat cave for several hours, reportedly without TV or cell phone reception, and were acting particularly crazy and defiant, yelling so loudly at certain points that they could be heard on camera even as Clinton was trying to speak. Watch a cruel and calculating Clinton refuse to end the relentless, nightmare Democratic primary in the non-concession concession speech after the jump.

Barack Obama has been declared the Democratic nominee now by CNN, NBC News, ABC News and AP; his victory speech has already gone online. The historic occasion of a black Democratic candidate touched the hearts of even the grizzled veteran news anchors at NBC. Chris Matthews read comments from South African anti-apartheid icon Desmond Tutu, who recently said of Obama, "Where else in the world would you ever have had anything like that?" Fellow anchors Keith Olbermann and Tom Brokaw both sounded even more sentimental, getting a bit choked up talking about Obama in the clip after the jump. Aww. Sometimes your quavering voice makes a "Special Comment" all its own, Keith.

Audio emerged tonight of former President Bill Clinton calling Vanity Fair writer Todd Purdum a "sleazy... dishonest... slimy... scumbag." Former Times reporter Purdum, of course, is the guy who wrote the just-released article about how Clinton is running around the world on private jets, including one called "Air Fuck One," with billionaire scuzzballs like Ron Burkle, Steve Bing and Jeffrey Epstein. Clinton told a Huffington Post reporter Purdum was awful, and that the Vanity Fair piece has "five or six blatant lies," but then added he had never read it. But that didn't stop him from continuing to trash it, nor did the fact that Purdum is married to Clinton's former press secretary Dee Dee Myers. Audio after the jump, along with a text summary.

The rumor that the Republican Party has a tape of Michelle Obama railing against "whitey" in Rev. Jeremiah Wright's church apparently surfaced two weeks ago on No Quarter, a blog operated by Larry Johnson, a self-described former CIA analyst and supporter of Obama's Democratic presidential rival Hillary Clinton. No evidence has emerged to corroborate the wild rumor, but Fox News went ahead and aired the charges on camera today. The justification?

Hillary Clinton's suicide cult followers trailed her all the way to Puerto Rico, where they celebrated the Democratic presidential candidate's two-to-one victory over Barack Obama by, once again, wearing stickers on their foreheads, this time at a rally/brainwashing session in San Juan. Only 10 percent of eligible Puerto Ricans bothered to show up at the polls, because they know pandering, disingenuous gringos when they see them . Clinton is, as predicted, using the victory as proof that she won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, an assertion that requires the counting of Clinton's dubious victories in Florida and Michigan. After the jump, a video in which two crazed Clinton cultists scream about the Democratic National Committee's decision to seat only half of the improperly elected delegates from those states.

Following in the footsteps of 71-year-old miracle of modern medical technology John McCain, Barack Obama released information on his medical health. Instead of 1,200 pages, like McCain, Obama just put out a simple note from his doctor that concluded he was in "excellent health." Before that, though, it said a full-body (ahem) examination revealed the Democratic presidential candidate's "build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat," which you kind of knew, but it's nice to get confirmation from someone who has seen Obama, you know, all over. Also, "his diet was balanced with good intake of roughage and fluids." But what is the doctor trying to tell us with this: "A complete review of systems was unremarkable." Either that's a nod to the monstrous-in-more-ways-than-one vice president, or he just means Obama isn't a walking catalog of ailments like McCain, whose health (or lack thereof) is lampooned in the Daily Show clip after the jump.

When News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch decided to sit down for a rare, on-camera interview, it was of course with two reporters from his own media empire, Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher of the Wall Street Journal. In this clip from the Journal's D conference in Carlsbad, California, Murdoch explains how he thinks the Journal and Times will be competing aggressively with one another on all stories — business, political or otherwise — within just "a few months." He also rants about how it's "ridiculous" that an average of 8.3 editors looks at a typical WSJ story, inevitable expanding it beyond reason. "People don't have time for it — there's not a story that you can't get all the facts in (within) half the space." Also: Murdoch confirms he was involved in the Post's decision to switch its allegiance from Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama.

In this week's cover story about Barack Obama, Newsweek distills the conventional political wisdom into a bitter tonic of condescending campaign advice. The Democratic presidential candidate is praised for having "wisely taken to often wearing and American-flag lapel" and advised "it would help to be seen venerating your white mother and grandparents as well as your black father" and that "whites resent being accused of racism for remarks they regard as innocent," in case the black politician hadn't learned that yet. To illustrate this cynical lesson in realpolitik, the magazine had originally planned to run the suitably stark cover above and on the left, according to the person who supplied us with a copy. But that cover was "killed" late Friday night, we are told, and replaced with the bright and sunny front at right — a bizarre choice given the gritty lead article and stark collection of supporting pieces on racial division. More outlandish still is the purported reason for the cover switch:

Fox News correspondent Liz Trotta said on air this weekend that she'd like to try and kill Barack Obama now that Hillary Clinton has wussed out on her comments about Obama's impending, Robert Kennedy-style death. Trotta started to talk about the idea of an "Osama" assassination, then corrected herself, saying "Osama, Obama — well, both, if we could." Then the former Washington Times bureau chief laughed like a brainwashed Moonie assassin. Trotta apologized in a later broadcast for her "lame attempt at humor," adding, "it is a very colorful political season." Immediately prior to the apology, Trotta had just spent a few minutes pontificating about Clinton on-camera again, because she isn't fired, because Fox News stands behind their crazy talking heads. After the jump, a clip with both the assassination comment and the apology.

The Roswell Beacon, a small paper in Georgia, ran this cover (which is not a spoof) last week to illustrate a story about how area "White Supremecy [sic] Groups" have been making threats against Barack Obama. The story itself is pretty straightforward, but the cover now has wild-eyed liberal types upset. But the Beacon's publisher has vowed to stand up to "liberal blogger thuggery"! Honestly, this one's not so bad. At least they didn't put it on an overpriced sweatshirt. Larger picture after the jump.

This YouTube clip of a pet parrot saying "Obama! Yes we can!" over and over looks sort of like any other viral video from a supporter of the Democratic presidential candidate. "The closer we come to the final nomination the more excited he's become," the bird's owner writes in a caption. But to Republicans, it must look like the perfect illustration of what will inevitably become one of their key lines against the almost certain eventual nominee: that his supporters tend to be superficial lemmings, short on real policy knowledge but full of strong, vague feelings about where the country needs to go, and thus not rational enough to pick the country's next leader. This attack vector did not do much for Hillary Clinton, but you can bet operatives for elderly Republican John McCain are working overtime to write it into Obama's media narrative. Clip after the jump.

"Some of my favorite political websites and blogs include... Perez Hilton." [Meghan McCain via Animal NY]