Above is a highlight reel of last night's Roast of Roseanne on Comedy Central. Its messiness was an aesthetic choice — many members of the panel, whose star power was repeatedly called out for being underwhelming, aired out their dirty laundry. Carrie Fisher talked about her addiction and its affect on her memory, but best of all was when she read Jeff Ross with drag queen's precision. Ellen Barkin talked about popping Valium and drinking several cocktails before taking the stage — good thing, because I wanted to get to the bottom of why she could barely open her eyes all night before that. Gilbert Gottfried joked about his tsunami joke that went awry and got him fired as the Aflac duck's voice last year. He wants his job back, of course.

Blake Lively faces the hydra monster of naked scandals. Arnold Schwarzenegger is ready for divorce. Natalie Portman stands up Oprah. Ellen Barkin's live-in boyfriend is half her age. The only way to kill Thursday gossip is with fire.

Angry, angry billionaire Ron Perelman gave Ellen Barkin many millions of dollars when they divorced, but he refused to fund her film production company. So she sued him. And won! Party at Ellen's! Bring your unproduced screenplay!

Ellen Barkin sued ex-husband Ron Perelman in 2007 shortly after the couple divorced. (She claimed the temperamental tycoon had promised to finance her film production company, but then never followed through with it.) The verdict is in and Barkin is $3.4 million richer as of today. And Perelman is now only worth $9.996 billion, poor thing. [Gawker]

We were not invited to the star-studded New York screening of A Single Man or the afterparty at Monkey Bar last night. Somehow fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern wrangled her way in. Here is her report.

• Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy got married in a quiet ceremony in France a few weeks ago. Sneaky! [Life & Style]
• Emmy Rossum's husband, music exec Justin Siegel, has filed for divorce. (Their 2008 secret marriage was only discovered when the couple was reported to have split up in August.) Naturally, Siegel is asking Rossum to pay for the divorce and he's seeking spousal support, too. [TMZ, Us]
• Yet another book is coming out alleging that Bill Clinton did inappropriate things. In her new book Government Girl: Young and Female in the White House, Stacy Parker Aab claims Clinton groped her in a hotel room in 2000 and his pal Vernon Jordan tried to kiss her twice. Good thing the poor girl got this all off her cheat a mere nine years after the fact. [NYDN]

Is Kanye West considering rehab? Would Michael appreciate Janet's mournful gesture? Should we all just forget Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic ways? So many questions! Get some answers in your Tuesday morning gossip roundup....

Julianne Moore crossing a street in the meatpacking district ... Amanda Seyfried kissing boyfriend Dominic Cooper during lunch at Bar Pitti ... Carla Bruni and Nicolas Sarkozy leaving a restaurant on Madison Avenue ... Whitney Port getting out of an SUV before an appearance on Regis & Kelly ... Hugh Jackman picking his daughter up from school ... Kirsten Dunst entering a courthouse downtown ... Ellen Barkin walking in the meatpacking district ... Queen Rania leaving the Sheraton Hotel ... Sara Paxton filming scenes for The Beautiful Life ... Deborah Lee Furness riding a scooter ... Shia LaBeouf walking downtown ... and Jessica Alba leaving a Clinton Global Initiative event at Cipriani 42nd Street.

More than 1,200 people descended on Skylight Studios on Wednesday night for the Whitney's annual Art Party. Sponsored by BCBG Max Azria, the designer (left, with co-host Camilla Belle) and wife Lubov welcomed the likes of Lake Bell, Lydia Hearst, Gretchen Mol, Hilary Rhoda, Calvin Klein, Jason Wu, Tinsley Mortimer, Genevieve Jones, Fabiola Beracasa, Ali Larter, Lindsay Price, Stacey Bendet, Olivia Palermo, Meredith Melling Burke, Alexis Bryan Morgan, Ivanka Trump, Byrdie Bell, Bradley Cooper, Alexis Bledel, Selita Ebanks, Hana Soukupova, Claire Bernard, Amber Tamblyn, Adam Lippes, Alexandra Richards, Anne Slowey, Lydia Fenet, Roopal Patel, Gilles Mendel, Lela Rose, Brooklyn Decker, Zani Gugelmann, Allison Aston, Esteban Cortazar, Jessica Joffee, at least two members of the Willis clan (Tallulah and Scout), and the man who runs the show at Whitney, Adam Weinberg. [PMc, Wireimage, FWD, WWD, VF, Style.com, ArtInfo]

Ellen Barkin is turning 55 today, although she probably shouldn't expect flowers from any of her famous exes. Legendary choreographer Merce Cunningham is turning 90. Model Alek Wek is 32. Actor Lukas Haas is turning 33. Architect Ricardo Scofidio is 74. Jon Cryer is 44. So is comedian Martin Lawrence. Basketball great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is turning 62. Patriots coach Bill Belichick turns 57. And Joseph Alois Ratzinger—the man better known as Pope Benedict XVI— is turning 82 years old today.

Ellen Barkin walking in the West Village ... Mario Batali having lunch with the family at Da Silvano ... Gisele Bundchen going to a photo shoot at Chelsea Piers ... Julia Roberts walking in Chinatown ... Jessica Alba leaving her Tribeca hotel with her daughter Honor ... Claire Danes carrying a shopping bag in Soho ... Leighton Meester walking in the Village ... Mickey Rourke sporting a new 'do after leaving a salon on Madison Avenue ... Jennifer Aniston standing on the set of her new movie, The Baster ... Howard Stern walking a few blocks from his apartment building ... Mary J. Blige shopping with friends at American Apparel ... and Bernadette Peters hailing a cab outside Barneys.

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson skipped out of a Valentine's Day appearance at the Hard Rock in Florida, supposedly because both had come down with the flu. But they didn't appear too sick the night before when the pair were spotted in a screaming match outside the Charlotte Ronson after-party on the Lower East Side. [People, NYP, NYDN]
• Chris Brown now says he's "sorry and saddened" over the incident with Rihanna. [LAT]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault got married on Saturday. [People]
• Amy Sacco says she's planning to do a reality show for Bravo. [NYDN]
• Dina Lohan owes $11,485 in back taxes on her Long Island home. [P6]
• Jesus Luz's mother says her son has been "kidnapped" by Madonna. Also, in case you're wondering, Madge is the same age as his grandmother. [NYP, DM]

Madonna's current boyfriend, six-year-old 22-year-old schoolboy model Jesus Pinto da Luz, has been stolen, his parents claim. He's not allowed to call them and is being held captive at the singer's Maldives lair.

Starbucks jobs are now reserved for Yale grads; the rest of us have to try and obtain menial but absurd positions with Kanye West.

Ellen Barkin has found a wonderful way to bridge the gap between the drama she's experienced in real-life and the sort that usually gets cooked up by unimaginative writers in a conference room in Hollywood. The most recent ex-wife of Ron Perelman has signed with HBO to both star in and executive produce her first TV series. What's it about? The as-yet-untitled drama revolves around a woman in her early 50s who is "famous for her high-profile marriage," but who "divorces and re-enters the singles market and finds herself developing a close, platonic bond with the 24-year-old son of her ex-husband." Sounds fabulous, although we're guessing Perelman's (slightly older) sons, Steven and Josh, may be wondering how they got dragged into it. [Variety]

Cinema Society, Nextbook and Grey Goose hosted a screening of Defiance last night with an after-party at Shang inside the Thompson LES. Host Andrew Saffir and the film's stars, Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber, and director, Edward Zwick, were joined by Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone, Naomi Watts, Olivia Palermo (left), Jason Pomeranc, Agyness Deyn, Tory Burch and Lyor Cohen, Donna Karan, Martha Stewart, Jay McInerney, Kimberly Guilfoyle and Eric Villency, Amy Sacco, Russell Simmons, Zani Gugelmann, Ivanka Trump, Andre Balazs, Steve and Christine Schwarzman, Ann Dexter-Jones, Ellen Barkin, Paula Froelich, Richard Johnson and Sessa von Richthofen, Larry Gagosian, Bettina Zilkha, Carson Kressley, Jennifer Creel, Valesca Guerrand-Hermes, Rachel Roy, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Douglas Hannant, Rosanna Scotto, Heather Matarazzo, Joshua Bell, Leelee Sobieski, Jill Hennessy, Debbie Bancroft, Marina Rust Connor, Nina Griscom, Caroline Murphy, Judah Friedlander, Patrick McMullan, Liam McMullan, Mary Alice Stephenson, Dan Abrams, and Dave Zinczenko. [PMc, Wireimage, The Daily]

These are difficult times for hedge fund king Paul Tudor Jones but he was all smiles as the guest of honor at last night's 11th annual NYU Child Study Center Gala at Cipriani 42nd Street. Joining Jones and his wife Sonia (left) was the center's director, Harold Koplewicz, co-chairs (and fellow finance big wigs) Gary Cohn and Lisa Pevaroff, David and Danielle Ganek, and Michael Novogratz and wife Sukey, and a crowd of nearly 600, including Vera Wang and Arthur Becker, Jon Corzine, Elie Wiesel, Jane and Jimmy Buffett, Ellen Barkin, Erica Jong, Jane Rosenthal, Christiane Celle, Faith Popcorn, Al D'Amato, Larry Silverstein and wife Klara, Neal Shapiro and Juju Chang, Julie and Ed Minskoff, Elaine and Ken Langone, Susan and Martin Lipton, Claude Wasserstein, Linda and Arthur Carter, Alice and Tom Tisch, Vicki and Stuart Match Suna, and Brooke and Dan Neidich. [PMc, NYSD]

So, former MSNBC guy Dan Abrams is starting a "consulting" firm full of random media people to give advice to rich corporate clients about how to handle media-related issues. Do you know what that's called? It's called a PR firm. But this PR firm would never call itself that, because that would make the media people it employs sound corrupt. The thing is, this firm's business plan is so annoying that the rest of the media (us) is going to cover its clients even harder to make up for it. For example! Abrams' first client is billionaire Ron Perelman. Now why would Ron Perelman need to worry about his reputation?

Rachel Weisz walking by herself in the meatpacking district ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts holding hands while walking in NoHo ... Ellen Barkin talking on her cell phone in the Village ... Colin Farrell getting in a taxi ... Chace Crawford walking with his handlers to the Gossip Girl set ... Tom Green and Seth Green leaving their hotel ... Rosario Dawson stepping over a puddle ... actress Elizabeth Banks walking into MTV studios in Times Square ... Beyonce and James Marsden posing outside MTV ... Katie Holmes taking Suri to get ice cream, and later getting out of an SUV in front of the Schoenfeld Theater ... Whitney Port walking in the meatpacking district ... Lindsay Price, Kim Raver, and Brooke Shields filming Lipstick Jungle in the West Village ... Lindsay Lohan leaving the Bowery Hotel by herself in the afternoon, and then walking out of the hotel with Samantha Ronson later that night.

I sort of loved how most of the actors Dan Winters photographed for New York's "New York Actor" photo essay looked basically like hell. This is not freaking Santa Monica. If someone invented indulgences for all the sins we commit against our skin we'd be the Avignon Papacy. But enough wishful thinking: Liz Smith reports today "some big name stars" were "not amused" by the harsh realism of his portraiture, which Smith credits to his past shooting spreads for Texas Monthly, "where they like things rough and tough." (This assertion appears to have no basis in fact, but it was fun checking out his portfolio.) So: who's the vain aging diva/o who told Liz she wasn't the only one who was put off by Mr. Winters' verisimilitude schtick? Let's examine the evidence:
Well I think we know who it's not: