Oh, everyone says this thing's gonna end every year, don't they? But this year it's serious, guys. Famousest judge Simon Cowell is putting down the Coke cup in May, and that absolutely means the end. The show cannot go on.

Today would be Elvis' 75th birthday. So naturally he would want Jackie Chan to sing "Fools Rush In" while promoting The Wacky Tuxedo 3 (working title) on Ellen. We wanted this to be bad. We really did. But it isn't.

• You heard that Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day for threatening to kill his wife Brooke Mueller with a knife, right? Forget all about it, please. Really. According to Mueller, it was just "one bad night," she and Sheen really "love each other," and they're going to work out all their issues on their own, so she's asked a judge to drop the order of protection that she'd requested last week. Why the sudden turnaround? Rumor has it Sheen's willingness to renegotiate the couple's pre-nup may have encouraged Mueller to change her tune. [NYDN, NYP]
• Sorry, ladies: Rosie O'Donnell is officially off the market: The comedian has confirmed she's dating Tracy Kachtick-Anders, a Texas-based artist and "inventor." And it seems the couple met thanks to Rosie's blog, since Tracy is a regular commenter on the site. Cute! [People, Gawker]
• Susan Sarandon hasn't confirmed that she's dating Jonathan Bricklin, the three-decades-younger ping-pong aficionado who she was first linked to last week. But they were spotted sharing a late-night meal earlier this week. [P6]
• Right-wing blowhard (and longtime prescription drug user) Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a hospital yesterday after complaining of chest pains. [NYP]

For years, Oprah had the market cornered on the "Audience of Banshees" whenever she gave away a refrigerator. Now with Oprah stepping aside, Ellen is giving away her own junk—and her audience can scream.

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan's now Jon Gosselin's contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

A woman wrote Ellen a sappy letter about being buried in debt due to falling on hard times (in this economy!). Ellen decided to pay off her $23,000 debt. The woman proceeded to absolutely freak out.

Maybe this is just a Rohrschach test for whether you're a gay leftist gossip site, but we think the holiday-card treatment on the Ellen Degeneres cover of O makes the word "Joy" look like "Gay." (Or "Goy" if you're Jewish.)

The "lists" feature Twitter just rolled out has been swiftly repurposed by the celebrity-industrial complex to pump up the accounts of tweeters like Ellen DeGeneres. Lists show celebrities exactly who can send them followers. And thus who to spam.

The former host of Reading Rainbow had to explain The Onion to his fans, Sarah Gilbert felt like crying and Starbucks treated Jennifer 8. Lee like a ghost. The Twitterati were exasperated.

Some wonder what business lesbian talk show host and non-singer Ellen DeGeneres has being a judge on American Idol. Ellen's reply? "I know I'm going to be a great judge — because I've spent my whole life being judged." [ET]

Paula Abdul danced her way into her VH1 Divas introduction as a way of poking good-natured fun at Ellen. But could it simply be a sad ploy at subtle revenge?

• If the daughter of fashion's most powerful figure can't find a job, how are those of us with less cushy connections expected to? Anna Wintour says daughter Bee Shaffer has gone on 24 job interviews since graduating from Columbia last spring, but has yet to receive a single offer. [NYDN]
• Is Tinsley Mortimer finally getting the reality show she's been dreaming about? Let's hope so! [P6]
• The good news: Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler had a rendezvous in LA the other night and were acting all lovey-dovey. The bad: Then they got in their cars and drove in totally different directions. [P6]
• Some customer tried to tip the Olsen twins during Fashion's Night Out at Bergdorf last night after they served him a drink. Did the girls keep the money? Give it back? We're going to assume the former for the time being. [NYDN]

Tinsley Mortimer may taste reality television stardom. Tennis star Melanie Oudin tastes the sour side of fame. Jessica Seinfeld's culinary tastes weren't stolen. And Tila Tequila has no taste for foursomes. Happy Friday! Here's your gossip roundup.

Ellen DeGeneres was floating on cloud nine this week, when American Idol producers finalized a deal that made her the show's fourth judge. Sadly, that cloud has popped. Her talk show's being sued!

For all the attention Washington's bluster gets, history will see this little health care squabble as a mere sideshow distraction from the news we received yesterday; news that will fundamentally alter the way we pick our next American Idol.

• Ivanka Trump has a set a date for her wedding to real estate scion Jared Kushner. It will go down on October 25 at—where else?—the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. Mark your calendars! [P6]
• Emma Watson is doing her best to "blend in" now that she's a freshman at Brown. Which is a little hard to do when you have the paparazzi tracking your every move on campus, clearly. [NYDN]
• The Olsen twins will be bartending this evening at Barneys as part of the festivities planned for Fashion's Night Out. So Mary-Kate must have just been training the other night when she was spotted "chain-smoking and throwing back shots." [P6]
• Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to replace Paula Abdul as a judge on the ninth season of American Idol. [E!]

Finally! After weeks of anticipation, the nation can now sleep well at night knowing that American Idol has found a new judge to replace Paula Abdul. Her name's Ellen DeGeneres, and she's the best candidate for the position.

• A second autopsy was performed on Michael Jackson over the weekend just as details from the first were revealed: Jackson was just 112 pounds when he died and his "emaciated body was riddled with needle marks and scars, and his head was virtually bald." In the meantime, his doctor, Conrad Murray, has denied giving Jackson any drugs right before his death and says he found a faint pulse when he first discovered him. Jackson's parents say they plan to fight for custody of Jackson's kids and for control of his estate. And plenty of people came out to celebrate Jackson's life at a couple of BET parties this weekend. And now you're all caught up. [NYP, LAT, WP, NYDN]
• Poor Jen Aniston. One minute she's happy and relaxed and supposedly dating Bradley Cooper and now Cooper says they're just "friends." [P6, NYDN]

Poor LiLo. After her breakup with DJ Samantha Ronson, she is just so alone. Worst of all, she told Ellen today that she didn't even know she was splitting up, let alone being restrained against.