• Gwyneth Paltrow's latest goal? To get Mario Batali to lose weight, apparently. She's supposedly already given him a free membership to the gym she's opening with Tracy Anderson, since he's "the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." [P6]
• Poor Jennifer Aniston has been "holed up" in her room at the Greenwich Hotel since arriving in New York a few weeks ago, supposedly because she's terrified of "bumping into Angie" on the street. [L&S]
• Michael Phelps and Miss California, Carrie Prejean. are apparently dating, or at least that's what Prejean's grandmother is saying. [NYDN]
• In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres, Lindsay Lohan says she's "still in love" with Sam Ronson, and that their breakup "came out of nowhere." She's also lost a lot of weight, which you've probably already noticed. [OK!, People, NYDN]
• Tim Gunn says he hasn't been on a date in 26 years, but that he's okay with it because he's "very happy being alone." [NYDN]

Anderson Cooper isn't about to make a dancing fool of himself with Ellen DeGeneres, like those other TV news anchors, whom he helpfully names. Plus, public displays of ardor just aren't his thing.

In today's famous people Twitter stunts, talk-show lesbian Ellen DeGeneres wanted a million Twitter followers by today. She's almost 13% there! Meanwhile Jon Favreau has taken celebrity Twitter posting to its logical conclusion.

• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a confidential photo of a battered and bruised Rihanna to TMZ. [TMZ, E!]
• Whitney Port said this week that Olivia Palermo can be "very difficult to worth with," and that she occasionally wants to "slap her." Join the club. [AH]
• Madonna is reportedly planning to use the Vanity Fair Oscar party on Sunday to introduce Jesus Luz to the world as her new boyfriend. [OK!]
• Portia De Rossi is reportedly preparing to undergo IVF so she and Ellen DeGeneres can have a baby. [SFGate]

Though Liev Schreiber has a perfectly acceptable set of pecs, partner Naomi Watts confessed to Ellen DeGeneres today that Schreiber would throw his rack away for the chance to possess man-boobs. For breast-feeding.

Firmly establishing The Ellen DeGeneres Show as the place where disgruntled Grey's Anatomy actors can go to seethe about their dropped costars, Eric Dane appeared today and was promptly asked about Katherine Heigl.

We've been beside ourselves with worry after receiving word of a possible fire on the Ellen set. (Where's Iggy? Where's Portia? Where's DJ Tony Okungbowa???) We're happy to report there's no cause for alarm:

This just in:

Denise Rich turns 65 today, so if you see the socialite on line to apply for social security benefits, now you know why. Others celebrating: Ellen DeGeneres is 51. Socialite and real estate broker Serena Boardman is turning 39. Nets guard Vince Carter is 32. Eddie Van Halen is turning 54. Model Frankie Rayder is 35. Actress Sara Rue is turning 30. William Morris agent Suzanne Gluck turns 49. Rabbi Marc Schneier is 50. And retired Rangers star Wayne Gretzky is turning 48 today.

The eternally marriage-minded Ellen DeGeneres booked the man who performed her own wedding as a guest today. Who is this allegedly famous, bestselling author? Basically, he's Rick Warren for people who do yoga.

Not again! After her matchmaking attempts with Jim Carrey, Jennifer Aniston, and Ryan Seacrest produced no sparks, Ellen DeGeneres has plunged her knitting needles into Anne Hathaway (whose current boyfriend is not famous enough).

Maria Bartiromo turned up on Ellen the other day to explain to the American Express pitchwoman why it is she doesn't possess a credit card. First of all, she has a debit card, which is, like, almost the same thing, isn't it? Plus she has a corporate card, which she uses all the time. (No doubt!) And have you heard about all the people who load themselves up on credit card debt and are forced to pay high interest rates? It's tragic. Of course, if it weren't for those insane interest rates, how else do you think Citigroup would have been able to afford to fly Maria around the world on its private jet?

When did Ellen DeGeneres turn into such a yenta?

Though the idea of Britney Spears and Ellen DeGeneres caroling together may sound cute in concept, it's hard to believe Spears would perform even "Frosty the Snowman" sans lip-synching or Autotune.

No catastrophic cultural implosion is complete without a Doomsday Baby, and we think we might have gotten ours when pregnanter-than-pregnant Biggest Loser host Alison Sweeney went into labor during today's taping of Ellen. Even Defamer's office of Fact-Checking and Devil's Advocacy seems to stand by the veracity of the accompanying video, which features Ellen coming out of a break to greet the contorting, hyperventilating Sweeney with every expectant mother's favorite question, "Are you kidding?" To which Sweeney replies in the negative with all her searing underworld might. Uncanny!

Hypersexual lesbian temptress Ellen DeGeneres usually keeps her daytime chat show somewhat neutered, but today's Brad Pitt interview (beamed via satellite from New Orleans, where he was busy building homeless shelters using only the telekinetic energy stored up in each ab) really brought out the gay.

We've pushed Defamer's overworked, underpaid Twilight Bureau as far as it can go this week, and why not: Variety now reports that the film will pull in $30 million today, establishing it on the lower end of the 20 all-time best opening-day grosses. Among other attributes, Robert Pattinson's dense, unruly mop of hair has been of particular interest to the ticketbuying public, whose every tousle, stroke, pat and otherwise swoony self-grooming invariably culminate in hormonal yelps of appreciation from his female fan base. But when asked by Ellen DeGeneres today about that hair's appeal, Pattinson simply raked through it once more — and once more, and once again, and again — in dumbfounded wonder before confessing, "I have no idea." As the accompanying hair-touching highlight reel suggests, however, we think someone doth protest too much. On the other hand, if we only washed our hair once a month (if that), we'd probably have the same curiosity. Carry on, Rob. [Ellen]

Miley Cyrus kicked off her "I Wasn't Killed By a Drunk Driver, Regardless of What My Hacked YouTube Page Sez! :D" tour with a stop at Ellen DeGeneres's show, which won't air until tomorrow. Ellen has become somewhat of a tween superstar guidance counselor in recent weeks, having lent Taylor Swift a shoulder to cry on as the country star recounted her brutal, half-minute Jonas brother tele-dumping. Cyrus, however, proved a tougher nut to crack, offering nothing but a series of guttural grunts and snorts in response to DeGeneres's line of underwear-model-boyfriend questioning. So embarrassed is she by the prospect of revealing the true nature of her relationship with the recipient of her obscene, catwalk-side tongue-gestures, Cyrus eventually tumbles sideways inside her chair—a bout of forced-coyness rendered all the more unsettling by her raspy giggles of fake embarrassment. *Shudder.* [Ellen]

Steve Carell brought along his family photo album during a visit to Ellen earlier today, treating the studio audience to robust hints of the domestic heaven that is the Carell household. Among the fun: Bathtime with young son John, with whom the comic enjoys a bit of bonding over toy sharks. At least we thought they were toys until Ellen and her filthy-minded crowd went and sullied our soft-focus image, like a Hallmark card torched by a cadre of arsonists. Next thing you know, they'll be snickering at Carell's Beaver. Forshame! [Ellen]

Pop-country tween phenomenon Taylor Swift dropped by Ellen today to promote a new album of songs that tap deep into the wells of heartache she's already amassed in her scant 18 years on this planet. The most achy-breaky of all? Her breakup with dreamy-haired Jonas brother Joe, about whom she says pragmatically, "One day...I won't be able to remember the boy that broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18." What follows is a thunderous wave of "Ohhhhhhwaaahhhhhhwhoooooooaaaa" from the audience we think is supposed to encapsulate their shock, sympathy, and outrage over the callous tele-dumping. While we feel for the singer, we too are certain there's far more worthy suitors in her future, and she'll chalk this experience up to yet more grist for the country-song mill, culminating in a CMA-winning composition entitled, "I Need Your Lovin' (Like I Need A Fartin' Dog in My Dodge)." [Ellen]