Congratulations are in order for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, who married Saturday night in an intimate ceremony held on the grounds of their California home. The brides both wore Zac Posen and exchanged handwritten vows promising to love each other "in sickness and in health, for as long as no pesky cameramen get in the way." Attendance was capped at 19, all the better to exclude potential wedding crasher Barbara Walters. Still, the lesbian goddess giveth with one hand while she takes away with the other, for no sooner did the two marry than details of a sapphic Hollywood breakup emerged involving the famously "gone gay" Lindsay Lohan.

• Madonna gave a 30-minute speech at her 50th birthday party. And frankly she was kind of sad that mainly nobodies showed up and not her celebrity friends. Also, the singer may not be able to get the Malawian "orphan" of her choosing. Madonna consoled herself by going to a strip club.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi officially tied the knot in front of 20 guests at their Beverly Hills home on Saturday, exchanging handwritten vows and Neil Lane rings. Ellen wore a pants suit; De Rossi opted for a Zac Posen gown. [NYP]

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will be tying the knot in California tomorrow. Portia is expected to wear a Zac Posen gown in front of their 20 guests. [Us, P6]

So you've had like three months to pick out a nice gift (at Rigged or whatever) for Ellen DeGeneres and her very hot fiancée Portia De Rossi, and if you haven't bought anything yet HURRY UP because the big day is apparently this weekend. DeGeneres was charmingly awkward about the whole thing, per usual: "Planning a wedding is very stressful. It's crazy. My gardener is now invited." But it's a "small, intimate ceremony" nevertheless. Of course this means that September is now open for Lindsay and Samantha, who can bolster their relationship, civil rights and celebrity buzz all in one fell swoop. Gay weddings are sort of magical that way. [Us]

• Lovebirds Uma Thurman and Arpad "Arki" Busson are engaged. The Swiss financier gave her an enormous ring (so big that Uma "can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat"), which Uma promptly showed off to friends at a party Thursday night and they're now planning the wedding. [NYDN]

Celebrities: they're in ads! That's because celebrities tend to sell stuff to people, according to the New York Times, which broke this story wide open with an epic piece in yesterday's paper. There are three clear points that you, the educated consumer, must understand: Companies are run by starry-eyed celebrity hound white guys who will pay any price to hang out with a cool rapper or have their umbrella endorsed by Rihanna; many celebrities are themselves sheep, convinced that their endorsement deal is a meaningful attempt by a corporation to plumb the depths of their soul (it's really not! surprisingly); and finally, all of this is the fault of dirty gossip websites just like this one!

· We suppose deep down we always knew Barbara Walters slept with every one of her subjects, but some kind of psychic safety-net always omitted Ellen DeGeneres from that list. [Ellen]
· The Rocker trailer features more flying cymbals to the crotch per minute than any comedy in history! [Variety]
· Among the amazing revelations in this Lou Ferrigno interview: CBS changed Bruce Banner's name to David because they thought Bruce "sounded too gayish." [USA Today]
· Blinded By Thongs is now what we plan on calling that band we've been meaning to start since high school. [The Smoking Gun]
·"There's a SIG alert on the 405, apparently a multicar pileup caused by...this can't be right...Eddie Murphy's giant head?" [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Everything is truly coming up roses for gay love in California this spring. The state’s gay marriage ban was lifted, Ellen DeGeneres got down on one trousered knee, and tonight, everyone’s favorite homophobic “comic” Jay Leno will put on his gayest face, prove just how much he adores boys who like boys, and attend an actual same-sex group marriage rally. As E! quotes the event’s spokesperson, “He said that he is from Massachusetts and that the sky did not fall in their state when marriage equality became the law of the land there...He wants to impress upon everyone here in California that the sky will not fall here either.” Yes, Jay. The sky will not fall on California, but we some interested parties certainly hope it falls right on top of you. More details on the event (get your fucking tickets NOW!) and the gay community’s reaction, after the jump:

Who among us wasn't reduced to a useless, blubbering pile of lady-lovin' shmaltz upon learning from groom-to-be Ellen DeGeneres that she had asked for Portia de Rossi's hand shortly following the California Supreme Court's landmark same-sex marriage ruling? On today's show, presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain stopped by to court its audience of all-important swing-dancers, and quickly found himself squarely in the crosshairs.

Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna’s time spent collaborating in the studio was far from the sexy joy ride in needle park we originally envisioned. As Timberlake tells the altar-bound Ellen in this clip, the pair actually spent most of their time butting their beautiful heads over song lyrics. As surprised as we were to learn that either one of them actually writes their own lyrics in the first place, we were just as unsurprised by Timberlake’s continuous failed attempts to prove how funny he can be without cue cards. Sounding both desperate for a laugh and downright mean for daring to put down the vocally challenged but still iconic Madonna, we think the trouser snake should give up his comedy routine schtick for good.

The crowd—which including a wet-eyed de Rossi—instantly lept to their feet and cheered. After a rough year enduring the angry taunts of picketing writers, it's nice to see some harmony and happiness return to the Ellen set, with the only thing whipped at her face as she exits the building being handfuls of rice and blown kisses. All that's left at this point is to hammer out the event details—what is surely to be the most spectacular celebrity wedding of the year, with virtually no expense spared on the brides' custom-tailored tuxshedos and giant, Iggy-shaped ice sculptures.

The California Supreme Court ruled Thursday that gay people can get married like anyone else, and there was much rejoicing, particularly by TV talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. DeGeneres didn't waste any time acting on the legal change, announcing during a taping of her show the same day that she will soon marry her girlfriend, Arrested Development hottie Portia de Rossi. Which same-sex celebrity couple will be next to announce their engagement? LiLo and Sam? In 30 days the weddings can begin! As the old saying goes, the early betrothed get the buzz.

In a Battle of the Lesbian Talk Show Titans (and Rachael Ray, who isn't a lesbian, despite the fact that we could easily picture her spitting out tobacco juice from a softball dugout), producers of The Ellen DeGeneres Show made a last-minute attempt at blocking today's Rosie O'Donnell-themed episode of The Rachael Ray Show. The reason? Concerns that Ray's syndicated series, which used Telepictures-owned clips of Rosie's old show, would beat Ellen's (also a Telepictures production) in the ratings. The Scoop reports:

The contagious, gag-repeating virus that so infamously befell David Letterman a few weeks ago was apparently also contracted last Friday by Jason Segel, who regaled his host at the Ed Sullivan Theater with yet another story about his ween-baring escapades on the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yesterday on Ellen, meanwhile, Segel shared the same anecdote — literally the same one, almost verbatim down to the "Dockers" punchline. The look on Ellen's face is priceless: kind of the knowing, disbelieving grin of a woman praying her audience missed Segel's Letterman appearance and wondering how the imaginative writer of the weekend's top comedy can't find a more clever alternative for "third-string Chippendales model." But it did play well with the ladies, so hey. [video by Molly McAleer]

Revision3 videoblogger Martin Sargent began the closing keynote at Ad:tech — also a live taping of his talk show Internet Superstar — with a video tour through the conference floor. The best part was when Sargent walked over to a booth. "So you're Smiley Media?" he asked. "That's us." Sargent: "What the fuckk are you so happy about?" The Daily Show's Rob Corddry couldn't have done it better. It was a good moment for Web TV, made especially sweet by the fact that hundreds of ad buyers — Revision3's prospective clients, many of them — were looking on from the audience. Too bad that was the keynote's last watchable moment.

Ellen DeGeneres cleared some time during an episode of her talk show, set to air today, to comment on the killing of 15-year-old Lawrence King who was shot Feb. 12 in Oxnard, California allegedly because he was gay. In the commentary, posted to her website last night, Ellen talked about equality, homophobia and the importance of screening politicians on equality. She became emotional and choked up. Then she proceeded with the rest of her show, cutting to commercial, welcoming Janet Jackson and probably hissing at some of her writers about how they're not funny.

It's frustrating when one tries to write a real think piece and it totally goes down in flames. As happened to me not a moment ago. Sometimes the discourse just can't be raised. So, for today, I give up. After the jump is a clip of Heidi Klum and Ellen DeGeneres talking about balls. Heidi the Seal-marrying supermodel likes them, Ellen the lesbian talk show host has no idea what to do with them. Enjoy.

Even though Hollywood's A-List was deprived of a chance to eat and drink on Vanity Fair's dime last night, two fiestas proved that celebrities will not let a little thing like tradition get in the way of a night of free booze and swag. Elton John's Annual AIDS Foundation Oscar Party usually has a strong turnout of power players, but the star wattage at the 16th incarnation of the bash last night was a few standard deviations past the norm, thanks mainly to the absence of Graydon Carter's soiree. Highlights included Tilda Swinton kissing her Oscar in some sort of Buddhist mating ritual, as well as the public debut of Hollywood's newest power couple, Sean Penn and Petra Nemcova. We've got pictures after the jump.

Perhaps as some sort of karmic payback for forcing thousands of Americans to endure Ellen Degeneres' terrible dance moves each and every weekday, it seems that The Ellen Degeneres Show is attempting to make things right by playing a part in getting Paris Hilton busted for overzealously breeding dogs. After Paris admitted to Ellen last week that she owns 17 dogs and likes to sleep with "all of them," the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services paid a visit to the Hilton home to investigate. While it's too early to learn this offense will land Paris back in the slammer (or, for that matter, the pound), we can't help but be reminded how similar this storyline is to a Season Two episode of The Sarah Silverman Program.