"Unruly costumed performers become global menace" is the headline of a story in the "News" section of a major metropolitan newspaper today. The story concerns people who don plush, oversized cartoon character costumes as a profession.

The NYPD continues its crackdown on Times Square's fake superheroes and cartoons, arresting two Iron Men, an Elmo, and a Spider-Man over the weekend on disorderly conduct charges. Police were handing out fliers Saturday informing tourists, "Photos with costumed characters are free. Tipping is optional."

A man who had been dressing up as Spider-Man in the legendary costumed characters area of legendary Times Square has been charged with assaulting an officer and resisting arrest after an NYPD officer reported that the man slugged him and tried to run away.

In an effort to further clean up the shiniest five blocks in New York, a city councilman has proposed a rule that would require background checks for all of Times Square's costumed characters. Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Spider-Man are a notoriously smelly, quarellsome bunch, after all.

Another chapter is closed in the long, strange tale of the Elmo sex scandal. Kevin Clash, the puppeteer and voice behind Sesame Street's beloved red monster, has been cleared of three charges of improper sexual relations with teenage boys.

In case you were worried that married life would crimp Sir Patrick Stewart's inimitable style, fear not.

A judge dismissed the three child molestation suits brought against Elmo creator Kevin Clash this morning, stating that the statute of limitations had expired. Wondering how to explain this final chapter to the kids? Gawker can help.

An Elmo street performer—known for spewing hate speech, shouting anti-Semitic diatribes, and generally terrorizing small children who know that Elmo the kindest of souls—just went about attacking a new group of kids. The detestable street creature, whose name is Dan Sandler, was yanked back into a courtroom for allegedly attempting to extort $2 million from the Girl Scouts of America.

Kevin Clash may no longer be shoving his hand deep inside Elmo on a regular basis, but he continues to teach America's children how to count.

What's it like to have sex with Elmo (puppeteer Kevin Clash)? Be prepared for frequent phone calls, poppers, crystal meth, "a game between 'father and son,'" and the presence of Clash's driver. And also, be underage.

You thought you were out of the woods on explaining the Elmo sex scandal. Well you were wrong. Dead wrong. Puppeteer Kevin Clash, beloved for creating Sesame Street's Elmo character and also for creating this sex scandal, now faces three accusers who claim that Clash trolled gay phone chat lines to find underage teenagers to seduce at his home. And now you're asking yourself, "which gay phone chat lines, exactly, for research?" And also, "how can I tell my kids?"

Sheldon Stephens, the "struggling model" behind the underage sex scandal involving Elmo voice actor Kevin Clash who recanted his accusations last week after reportedly receiving an out-of-court settlement of $125,000 has changed his mind yet again, and is now looking to undo the settlement and retract his recantation.

According to The Smoking Gun, Sheldon Stephens is the man who accused Elmo voice actor Kevin Clash of having a sexual relationship with him when he was under age. Yesterday, Stephans recanted his allegations but not before the scandal forced Clash to take a hiatus from Sesame Street. Clash insisted throughout the ordeal that the relationship occurred after Stephens had turned 18.

As the Elmo Sex Scandal — one of the top two current Sex Scandals in the United States — draws to an anticlimactic close, parents across the country have been left wondering: how can I explain to my children that Kevin Clash, the puppeteer who provides Elmo with life has been accused of having sex with a 16-year-old, and furthermore that the man in question (now 23) recanted his story within days of the initial accusation?

The New York Times has just reported that the man who accused Elmo voice actor Kevin Clash of beginning a sexual relationship with him when he was underage has recanted his allegations.

So it seems that in order to promote their 43rd season, the PR people over at Sesame Street have been recklessly booking all of their cracked-out muppets on (for the most part) already intolerable television shows. Consequently, America's best and brightest TV personalities were forced to interact with furry, 3-foot-tall, talking, moving stuffed animals that can't even appear on camera without some sort of table or podium concealing all of their sticks and wires.

On Monday, we told you about the Anti-Semitic Elmo of Central Park. We knew little at the time, except that he hated Jews and wanted to make sure everyone knew—while wearing an Elmo costume. Now the New York Times has dug up the completely unsurprising disturbing backstory of the guy.

Here is a picture of a man in an Elmo suit being carted away from Central Park Zoo in an ambulance yesterday. Visitors complained that he'd been wandering the park, screaming obscene anti-semitic rants.

Mystery solved, sort of: It seems reasonably clear to me that Daniel Kaufman, a.k.a., Dan Kay, a.k.a. Dan Katze, a.k.a. the Busted Chef, a.k.a. the Montauk Grifter, never actually worked as a producer on Hell's Kitchen, as he repeatedly claimed to the people he conned. But he definitely managed to convince several of the show's former contestants that he worked there, which is some fairly acrobatic grifting.