Two asteroids are due to pass between the Earth and the orbit of the moon sometime today, but don't worry, we're (probably) not all going to die: "Neither of these objects has a chance of hitting Earth," says NASA.

Southern Russia is basically on fire. Yesterday alone, hundreds of fires broke out due to record heat and dry fields, and at least 28 people have died. But that didn't stop a few guys from driving through Hell on Earth.

Fresh off his first public appearance in four years, Fidel Castro tonight will take to the airwaves with a well though out theory: The US will soon unleash a "sinister fate" on the world... by nuking Iran and everyone else.

Want to hear some pretty disturbing news? The Gulf of Mexico has at least 27,000 abandoned oil and gas wells, and no one has bothered to check if they are leaking. Some even date back to the 1940s.

Scientists from the research organization Cern, which built the Large Hadron Collider Doomsday Machine, say they are generating 10,000 particle collisions per second, but they have higher aspirations: "It would be absolutely, fantastically exciting if we produced black holes."

God has been terribly angry over the last 24 hours, lightning-wise. First He destroyed his son, the Giant Jesus of Ohio. Now another lightning bolt has "struck the ship capturing oil from [the] blown-out BP well." C'mon, God. [AP]

Armageddon is finally upon us: The oil spill. The Situation has a record deal. And last night, the six-story "King of Kings" roadside Jesus statue in Ohio was struck by lightning and burned to the ground.

There may be a sinister reason behind President Obama's ambivalence toward the oil spill: He is the anti-Christ and the Gulf disaster is the closing act in his quest for your soul. The Rapture draws nigh!

"A carpet of frogs" covered a Thessaloniki highway today, forcing closings for two hours. People are guessing they came from a lake nearby, but we know the truth. Hide your firstborns and blood your doors everyone, the lord's a'coming.

The city is plagued by gun violence, so Democratic lawmakers are asking for the National Guard to use techniques learned on "nation-building assignments in Iraq and Afghanistan" to restore order. Glenn Beck was right... martial law is coming! [AP, pic]

The Large Hadron Collider Doomsday Machine was ready to shock the world today with a huge explosion that normal people cannot understand. But it failed. The Guardian's live blogger was disappointed. Update: It worked! But we're still alive.

"Sarah Palin announces her 2010 target list"

President Obama just signed the health care reform bill! Can you believe he actually pulled this thing off? Now he can begin what will presumably be the generation-long effort to fix the damn thing.

Just when you thought this whole recession thing was over, the Times is reporting that $700 billion worth of bad corporate debt will be due in two years. Stock up on Doomsday supplies now.

Caligula was a noble and beloved leader—until he went mad, and began wasting tremendous sums on useless extravagances as his people starved. Oprah's entire set is made of chocolate today.

A hero legislator in Virginia's House of Delegates sponsored a bill that finally bans the practice of forcibly implanting microchips in humans. Delegate Mark Cole (R-Fredericksburg) is not some mere privacy advocate: he is saving us from the antichrist.

They're moving the doomsday clock tomorrow morning, everyone!

Just read an article about a truck that drives around Las Vegas with a stripper dancing in it, and boy are my preconceived notions about that place tired (from being completely confirmed.) Whatever happens in Vegas, is ridiculous in Vegas.

A physicist at CERN, the lab that is building the Large Hadron Collider—which will destroy the planet by igniting a black hole and catapulting us into an alternate dimension—has been arrested in France on suspicion of Al-Qaeda ties.