Longtime Variety editor Peter Bart was finally replaced last weekend—a move that we (and others) interpreted as Bart being, essentially, stripped of his power to make way for new blood. Not true, he says!

Radio-talking Marlboro Man doppelganger Don Imus, a famous racist, has cancer. He announced it on his show this morning:

Hey, empathetic bald man Montel Williams is "getting his own national radio show through a multi-year deal with Air America Radio," which is kinda like Maury Povich getting a "national" column in Steppin Out.

"Is it racist for white people to shoot black zombies?" asks the prestigious Wall Street Journal. It's a touchy issue, and we all have our opinions. But are those opinions stupid?

Porn porn porn. Cable companies are hoping to "quietly" sell enough pay-per-view porn to make, you know, a profit. Ad Age wrote a whole story about it just so it could use this quote:

Look, the nimble television networks are seamlessly transitioning into recession-era programming! Instead of sitcoms about upwardly mobile whites, it's sitcoms about downwardly mobile whites. With product placement for the poors!

Martha Stewart is mystified by "Notorious B.I.G.," and believes all black people know each other. Kathie Lee Gifford thinks Hoda Kotb was born in Africa. Welcome to post-racial American television!

David Letterman thought it was pret-ty funny to laugh at Alicia Ebaugh's story in the Cedar Rapids Gazette about a man caught sexing a blow-up doll. Why does David Letterman laugh at the unemployed?

The publishing industry is led by experienced professionals with deep knowledge of literary appeal. So if they say Kathy Griffin deserves a $2 million book deal, who are you, the public, to argue?

The Bravo network is planning a real live realistic reality show about private school kids in Manhattan. It's Gossip Girl for those who prefer reality television! Because people love despising rich kids.

Though some may think otherwise (paging Paul Blart), Hollywood is plummeting into a serious financial mire. And now the biggest, importantest canary of 'em all has gone and croaked. Steven Spielberg can't get financing.

Even football players get peed on from time to time. Also: Britney, Brandon Davis, and lesbian love!

Nobody's even talking about Super Bowl ads this year! We're here to remedy that, because what is our purpose if not to indoctrinate the public into the world of robotic overconsumption? Look, ad preview!

Feeling depressed because the recession and the internet are both killing the book publishing industry, and hurting your hopes for the big literary contract you deserve? Just self-publish! Every other jerk is.

Sheila Nevins, HBO documentary films president and overall entertainment industry big shot, was very mad she couldn't watch Obama's inauguration live from her first class airplane seat. But were the cops and lawyers necessary?

What do you get when you mix the potent trends of Russian oligarchs buying pop stars for private concerts and Kanye West getting booed? The funnest New Year's Eve story of awful 2008!

Joe Cuello is MTV's VP of "Creative Music Integration." He chooses what music goes into their fine reality shows. He "Makes The Hills Rock"(!). Why would someone send the nice man a box of poop?

For years, the likes of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros. have ruled the kiddie icon market. No more. Soon, heterosexual boys will have their own channel full of crappy Disney tween characters from hell.

Because every excellent, original TV series must have an inferior ripoff on another network: forget Mad Men, the new advertising-centric drama is Trust Me. On TNT! Your new Don Draper: that guy from Ed.

Kanye West is planning a puppet show, but he's been beaten to the punch—drowsy, dancing teenage rapper Soulja Boy has just launched an online cartoon show starring Alfonso Riberio. Hip hop is magic: