House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, one of the GOP's hot little pieces known as the "Young Guns," moonlights as a weiner who's incapable of negotiating to prevent America from defaulting on its public debt. He's just "pulled out" of his role as the House Republicans' leading negotiator in the ongoing talks with Joe Biden, and has demanded John Boehner settle the remaining "tax issues" so he doesn't have to.

It doesn't seem like America's path towards deficit reduction will include Rep. Paul Ryan's plan to privatize and voucherize Medicare anymore, friends. Why? Because President Obama was such a jerk about it.

The federal government is expected to reach its $14.3 trillion borrowing limit on or around May 16. House Republicans have been demanding deep spending cuts in exchange for a vote to raise this ceiling, even though no congressional leader would really allow the United States government to reach this limit and default on its debt shortly afterwards, thereby destroying the global economy forever.

Here's a cheap mid-afternoon giggle for federal workers: A hot-off-the-presses White House proclamation declaring next week — when the government may be shut down — National Volunteer Week. It's that patented Hawaii dry humor, folks; don't try it at home.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's attempt to sneak in some tongue action with Nancy Pelosi at tonight's State of the Union has backfired, terribly. Did he think Pelosi wouldn't already have a "date" lined up? Get it together, Eric Cantor.

Reps. John Boehner and Eric Cantor, the two leading House Republicans, have issued a warning to the Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery: Take down that exhibit where Jesus is covered with ants, or face "tough scrutiny" next year. [Update below]

The many incoming Republican members of Congress are still enjoying Freshmen orientation: Boring lectures by day, secret Boehner orgies by night. But are these sore, hungover noobs even learning anything? Yes! It's all found in Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide.

Rich Iott, the congressional candidate who plays Nazi dress-up for purely educational purposes, said today that he's disappointed in GOP Rep. Eric Cantor for disowning him "before he had all the facts." Poor, poor Nazi dress-up candidate.

Three Republican congressmen who appear in the news occasionally — Paul Ryan, Eric Cantor, and Kevin McCarthy — are releasing a book called Young Guns, referring to themselves. They must be important! So who are these sexy, cavalier, conservative idea-machines?

The North Carolina Republican Party is going after Tea Party congressional candidate Tim D'Annunzio because he is a druggie, deadbeat dad who once found the Ark of the Covenant (in Arizona). And he is ahead in polls.

Shocker: that schizophrenic person who Eric Cantor had arrested for threatening him had a concealed handgun permit. Once again, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor, we look forward to your legislative response to your newfound concern about easy gun availability.

The cops arrested someone for threatening Eric Cantor over the weekend, proving him right about everything. Here is the threatening man demanding that the film Babe be removed from video stores, because he is God, and Lucifer was a pig.

After Eric Cantor is done apologizing for lying about his office being shot at, he should probably do something to address the gun problem in his district—which is apparently so bad that bullets are raining from the sky.

As the hysterical rhetoric surrounding health care reform escalates, many lawmakers are reporting receiving violent threats. Like Eric Cantor, Republican Minority Whip, who says someone totally shot his office, with a gun. [Update: Police confirm an attack on Cantor's airspace!]

Republican Minority Whip Eric Cantor's economic plan calls for no tax increases of any kind until unemployment falls below 5%, at which point he does not support any tax increases.

So last night, while our President tried to explain everything that sucks right now to America and her idiot press, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor went to a Britney Spears concert.