Recently defeated House Majority Leader Eric Cantor is joining an investment bank, where he will get rich advising corporate clients on deals. Meanwhile, enrollment in the food stamp program, for which Cantor voted to cut funding, is down. So everyone is doing well.

The House GOP picked establishment candidate Kevin McCarthy over Tea Partier Raul Labrador for Majority Leader this afternoon. McCarthy's Whip job will be taken by Rep. Steve Scalise.

In a profile by The National Journal's Marin Cogan, former Democratic Governor Brian Schweitzer reveals he has a special talent — for sniffing out gays. "Don't hold this against me, but I'm going to blurt it out," he told Cogan after she asked about former Majority Leader Eric Cantor's recent primary defeat.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor stunningly lost his primary to Tea Party challenger and Ayn Rand scholar Dave Brat on Tuesday. So lesser Republicans of the House have wasted no time in puffing themselves up to be the next Cantor (yeesh), and current Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy says he's got it in the bag.

Boys will be boys. Zachary Werrell, 23, is just a boy who happens to be running the campaign of the tea partier who upset House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in last night's Virginia congressional primary. A boy who, like so many others, suddenly realized his Facebook rants could be a liability.

Ayn Rand scholar Dave Brat, who just trounced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in the Virginia primary, did not attend Princeton. In fact, he attended the Princeton Theological Seminary, which is separate from the Ivy League university. Why would anyone lie about attending Princeton?

Beating Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in the Virginia Republican primary yesterday was "the happiest moment, obviously, of my life," said Dave Brat, a married father of two.

Here is one solution to America's student-debt problem: Hire more recent college graduates as campaign pollsters. They can't do any worse than longtime Republican poll-whiz John McLaughlin.

In a huge surprise, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor just lost his bid for the Virginia Republican congressional nomination to David Brat, the Tea Party candidate many pundits had no expectation of winning.

In this photo tweeted by House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, House Republicans sit across from empty chairs (again with the empty chairs) meant to symbolize absent Democratic leadership from the Senate. Or something.

VAWA died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. America got a telegram from the House: Eric Cantor let the Violence Against Women Act die with many points between it and the Senate bill unreconciled. Maybe it was last week.

Last August, while on a "fact-finding congressional trip" to Israel, several GOP lawmakers took part in a late-night swim in the Sea of Galilee that involved at least one instance of skinny dipping.

Virginia congressman Eric Cantor went on Meet the Press yesterday to endorse Mitt Romney, and he said "fart" instead of "fought." The representative has a point, of course. The GOP primary race has essentially been one giant, continuous, squelching fart joke. [Via]

Well, duh. Why did we believe that House Majority Leader Eric Cantor would actually go through with his surprise speech on income inequality today? He always walks away just when things are getting tough. And apparently a lecture hall at Penn's Wharton School of Business wasn't secure enough to protect Cantor from the catcalls of protesters, so the gig is off.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who only 13 days ago declared that he was "increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country," appears to have transformed into a radical communist. He's now acknowledging that America's vast income inequality is potentially problematic. He'll flesh out his ideas in a speech tomorrow at that most suffering of institutions, the Wharton School of Business, where most of the people responsible for our income inequality crisis have picked up a degree or two.

Today marks the start of the 2011 Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C., the annual opportunity for social conservative politicians and organizers to fluff each other and terrify swing voters. So! How are things going today?

Negotiations between President Obama and Republican congressional leaders over the nation's debt ceiling hit a roadblock yesterday with reports of Obama storming out of a meeting and telling House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, "Don't call my bluff." And while many praised Obama for standing up to the Republicans, Jon Stewart had a more critical opinion of the president's actions on tonight's Daily Show.

"I want what I want when I want it." — The quote accompanying House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook photo. Presumably he wanted the same thing he wants now: To whine about everything at all times.

Like everyone else, we miss The West Wing. But it's okay! Democrats and Republicans are trying to put on their own community-theater version of the television program in Washington right now: House Majority Leader Eric Cantor interrupts the president! President Obama storms out of the meeting! And Donna is the victim of a hilarious misunderstanding!

Now here's a good headline for America: "Cantor Signals Flexibility On Tax Loopholes." Does this mean that during tomorrow's White House debt ceiling meeting, the House Majority Leader may in fact consider modest revenue increases as part of any deficit-reduction package? Finally? No, not really.