Jeb Bush, whose handlers should be fired for failing to heroically leap in front of the photographer before this stunningly Shining-like photo above was snapped on Tuesday, has shifted his campaign into movie villain mode. His new welfare plan calls for the total elimination of SNAP, the federal food stamps program.
Consider this: billionaires suck.
Joe Jackson, horrible father and slightly-less-horrible manager to the Jackson 5, has been hospitalized in São Paolo, Brazil, after suffering a stroke, USA Today reports. He was in the country to celebrate his 87th birthday. Michael Jackson, the son whose talent and fortune sustain Joe’s continued existence as a shambling, womanizing wax figure, died in 2009 at age 50.
For months it seemed like a quick joke, but now it's concrete. Well, putty, anyway. Hard-chargin' Satanists have a mockup of a monument to the dark lord (and two rapt kids) that they plan to display in front of the Oklahoma statehouse. And other than being evil, it's pretty boss.
Running for a Senate seat in Wyoming is hard enough. First, you have to lay the groundwork with a crazy PAC and crazy talk on Fox. Then you have to actually move to Wyoming, which sucks, because you totally liked DC—except for all the gays, of course. And that just leads you to this other family problem.
It's been almost one year since Eric Schmidt stepped down as CEO of Google, and sometimes it seems like he's experienced a midlife identity crisis. Schmidt drives a Ferrari, will reportedly divorce his wife, and now he's calling on programmers, like those at Google, to speak out against any evil practices their bosses ask them to perform.
I'm going to go with a resounding YES. I don't have the energy to fact check the entire thing, but something tells me this line at 1:52 might not actually be true: "When your obese brothers and sisters get stuck on the stairway on 9/11 preventing fit people from getting through and surviving you make it part of my business."
Hey, nothing to worry about, but remember John Wayne Gacy, that serial killer who dressed like a clown and performed at kids' birthdays? Two Chicago lawyers are now saying he might have had three accomplices — two of whom are still alive. No word on whether or not these men also wore clown makeup, but for the sake of my sanity, I'll assume that was just Gacy's thing.
Hamza Kashgari, a writer from Saudi Arabia, thought he was simply tweeting a few observations about his love and respect for the Prophet Muhammad. Instead, he might have been securing his own death sentence.
Isakin Jonsson and Michelle Gustafsson announced they will marry in a small ceremony in the high security wing of the Karsuddens psychiatric facility in Sweden. An as-yet-undetermined member of the Church of Satan is expected to officiate.
After launching an electronic assault on local shops and abusing sick and pregnant warehouse workers, Amazon.com has been sued for ripping off and royally screwing over in every other possible way a partner that made Kindle cases. Maybe the e-tailer's 2011 New Year's resolution was "be evil constantly."
Apparently concerned that it's not already doing enough to undermine local physical retailers across the country, Amazon.com announced it will pay customers up to $5 to go into a local store, scan an item, walk out, and buy the same item on Amazon. Please don't do this cheap, sad thing.
Google proudly announced it's launching a special search engine to help veterans find jobs. That's a nice way to support returning servicemen. It's also a sop. The real way Google should help veterans is to pay its damned taxes.
Last week, Special Love Theologian Daniel Avila, the policy advisor for Marriage and Family at the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, issued a provocative analysis of why sometimes a man and another man love each other very much: "The scientific evidence of how same-sex attraction most likely may be created provides a credible basis for a spiritual explanation that indicts the devil."
