EW.com's Jeff "Doc" Jensen may be one of the biggest nerds of all time. But we think it's kind of great. His write-ups of the (still good!) mystery series Lost are some of the most thorough (but not too much) and lucid on the garbled, bizarro internet. Occasionally he'll get to watch an episode ahead of time and his giddy, jumping-up-and-down-and-clapping enthusiasm for what we're about to see is palpable and infectious. He's never really Comic Book Guy-ish about it, only criticizing when it's absolutely necessary. If you're a fan of the show (and you really, really should be) we can't recommend reading Jensen enough. Though, you may want to stay away from the comments section. What goes on down there, much like the basements where the comments are written, is horrifying and definitely covered in an orange Cheetos smear.

We've made no secret of our love for Hollywood power lists, as hierarchical inventories of which players are currently swinging the biggest dicks (and that doesn't exclude the ladies who occasionally creep into the rankings!) in the entertainment industry briefly bring order to an otherwise confusing show-business world. In a twist that threatens to redefine everything we thought we knew about putting numbers next to famous names, the iconoclasts at EW have decided to substitute "smart" for the vanilla, outdated notion of "power," a decision that has catapulted burgeoning comedy monopolist Judd Apatow from an already-impressive #13 on Premiere's old-timey 2007 index to the top spot in Hollywood's New Smart Order.

WE HEAR: that while taping the upcoming season of Celebrity Fit Club, megalomaniacal blogger Perez Hilton pooped himself on a treadmill.

Just in time for Halloween, New York Press sex columnist Kelly Krethtells us which writers and "writers" she'd like to bone next, now that already notched loser- director-pervert Eric Schaeffer on her lipstick case. We read this so now you have to, too: "James Frey... I want to curl my tongue around yours like the southern drawl does the tango with yours. I want to be your drug. Snort me, inhale me, shove me up your nose, up your ass, swallow me, digest me; you will not have to drive to Harlem to try to score. I want to search your face for scars and lick them when I find them. I want you to bite me with those altered teeth as hard as you can. I want you to guzzle some of my blood and wear the rest like a coat. Big Jim, will you be my dime bag? I'd go down dirty alleys and go down on you in them." Also: "He's that guy, the one who will lie to get into your pants." Well, yes.

Publicist Kelly Kreth had long fantasized about boning the author of I Can't Believe I'm Still Single, noted emosogynist perv Eric Schaeffer. So it's really no surprise that, when she finally managed to cram herself into his busy dating schedule, she found him charming. Another thing you should know about Kelly is that her idea of third-date banter is "If you gag and vomit I will force you to lick it up."

From New York magazine's review of Essential Therapy, the spa whose owner has been accused not only of fondling a client who fell asleep on the table but also of using the space for porn shoots and swinger parties: "Downstairs, jewel-toned and metallic fabrics adorn the walls, furniture, and even the floors of the waiting lounge, five treatment rooms, and men's and women's locker areas. (A sauna, steam room, and six-person Jacuzzi add to the warmth.)" Mmm, warmth.

Here are our reactions, in order, to the pix floating around the internets this morning of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo boning in a Mexican hot tub. "HA! Ewwwww. Hmm. Kinda hot!" Possibly there's something wrong with us.



Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey Really Enjoyed Their Hot Tub [Fleshbot] (actually pretty SFW as these things go)

In case you haven't made it to Borders yet, let me draw you the picture: She's walking away from the camera, in profile. (Great profile, by the way.) She's on the beach, in a light sweater and dark jeans rolled above the ankles. And I don't know if this overstepping bounds, but facts are facts: She's got a commendable can. A bountiful bottom. A terrific tush.