What's hotter than a hip girl with a perfect body and an ample bosom? A hip girl with a perfect body, ample bosom, and a mustache. Throw in spandex with a boner, and it's no longer advertising—it's art.

Poor Detroit! First an economic catastrophe, now an olfactory one: After a woman sued the city because her coworker's perfume gave her breathing problems, Detroit is warning city workers not to wear "any scented products." [Detroit News]

Remember freshman year when the girls had to talk to the school nurse about menstruation? Well, Esquire Editor-in-Chief David Granger is doing that but for Hearst's male employees. It's called "Your Pump, Your Plumbing, and a Cocktail." Gross!

Get ready for the disgusting reality-check of the day. This video from the NYC Department of Health says that a can of soda a day can make you ten pounds fatter a year. The truth has never been so grotesque.

Jeffery Epstein, the billionaire money manager who recently finished a prison sentence for soliciting under-aged prostitutes, is now claiming he is the victim of racketeering at the hands of a lawyer who represented women suing him.

Women don't always know they're pregnant. Babies fall out of them all the time, at really inopportune moments—grocery shopping, making coffee, vacuuming, on blind dates, whatever. The re-enactments of these births really drive home the awkward, unexpected pain.

Lynsee and Anders welcomed darling daughter Solveig into the world by aiming a webcam at unmentionable parts of her mother's anatomy and livestreaming her birth, making her the youngest oversharer in the history of the internet.

Of all the excuses and explanations Carrie Prejean made for her sex tape on Hannity last night, only one—that she was a teenager when she made the video—makes sense. For TMZ, that is.

So, that horrifying sweat lodge where Oprah-endorsed guru James Arthur Ray may or may not have inadvertently killed three people? NYT has some new eye witness reports, and they're as scary, icky, and infuriatingly New-Agey as you thought.

A raw sewage overflow has caused Parks Department officials to close two NYC beaches today (Coney Island and Manhattan Beach). Did you get that? Raw. Sewage. Overflow. 'Knew it before, but: nasty. [New York Post]

Entertainment Weekly published its 1,000th issue earlier this year—and maybe that was enough, since they're rumored to be considering killing their print edition next year. Let's look back at EW's fun history! Okay:

We've heard from multiple sources that the idea of going online-only is being seriously considered by the leadership of Entertainment Weekly. And it wouldn't be a bad idea.

Entertainment Weekly took its turn in the Time Inc. layoff machine today with 15 editorial layoffs, according the the Observer [UPDATE: Another source tells us the number is 22, including the research chief, two librarians, and "a bunch of AEs"]. And they didn't even offer anyone a chance to volunteer for buyouts—they just got fired. We also hear that Essence may be having its layoffs today, too. If you have more details, email us.

Vacancy: Just days after the creators of Do Not Disturb sent out a letter to TV critics apologizing for “being the perpetrators of such bad television,” their show has become the fall season's first cancellation. According to EW's Michael Ausiello, the Jerry O'Connell sitcom (which aired only three episodes) will be replaced by reruns of 'Til Death. Elsewhere on the dial, Ben Silverman pet project Knight Rider premiered third in its time slot despite having the highest viewer awareness of any new NBC show. Perhaps audiences realized that KITT is kind of a bitch? [EW]

It was the Entertainment Weekly cover that forever scarred Livejournal: a vivid tableau of Twilight actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the former barechested enough to expose millions of teenage girls to their first confusing glimpse of chest hair. Though excitement for the cinematic adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's vampire novel had been building to a crescendo, one actor's decision not to wax could have destroyed everything; fortunately, the audience's distaste for even more hirsute werewolves kept fans firmly on Pattinson's side. Still, when we spied the actor on the red carpet for the VMAs yesterday, we knew we had to settle Chesthairgate (part two!) once and for all. Also, two bonus bits: Pattinson's thoughts on the latest, controversial Twilight installment and messy vampire babies! What more do you need to sink your teeth into? [MTV]

Whoops: We bet the crew over at EW wishes they had a Time Turner right about now. Hot on the heels of Warner Bros.' announcement that they'll be spiriting Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to summer 2009, EW has released its fall 2008 movie preview featuring... Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Let's all agree to a Confundus Charm and pretend this never happened. [EW]

ABC Family's new series, the ambitiously-titled The Secret Life of the American Teenager, premieres tonight, and the critics are none too excited about it. The Boston Globe's Joanna Weiss breaks down the show—about a 15-year-old who gets pregnant the first time she has sex—into its cliché character archetypes, which include the chaste cheerleader and her dutiful Christian boyfriend who, while tempted, must wait.

We hope that when we reach whatever the equivalent of our 1,000th issue is — probably Item No. 50,000,000,000, cranked out under duress after a bitter, mop-wielding Coffee Bean barista tells us they closed over an hour ago — we have achieved the kind of clout displayed this week by Entertainment Weekly. There, in celebration of its "New Classics" canon, a handful of celebrities including Viggo Mortensen, Jodie Foster and Sarah Michelle Gellar offer top-10 lists comprising their own cultural touchstones of the last 25 years. And while we might need the weekend to digest Foster's sobering "New Classic Near-Death Experiences," Gellar's gender-bending casting fantasies have our tired, late-Friday minds reeling after the jump.

TMZ, which is most likely our Skynet, has posted the most horrible video ever made. It's about Jim Hendrix's sex tape. It involves old groupies watching and purring and saying the word "dick" a lot and also "purple." I recommend borrowing someone else's eyeballs. Jerry Orbach lent me his. (NSFW, unless you work in a sex dungeon. Well, maybe it is. I don't know.) [TMZ]

Someone really liked that nude Alex McCord photo: "Hello. Can you tell me if their are more photos of Alex McCord nude and also how did you find them? Thanks."