Privacy advocate Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla are proud to announce that they are pregnant with Earth’s newest mega-heiress.

Earlier this week, rainbow-faced Facebook users everywhere went into a state of panic over the fact that Facebook “didn’t deny” tracking who was using its new “Celebrate Pride” tool. Panic at the idea that a powerful multibillion-dollar corporation is tracking certain of your behaviors is totally natural, obviously. So get ready to panic a little bit further. Facebook is always tracking you.

Facebook Messenger is the single most popular app in the entire iTunes store. Millions of people now use it on their phones instead of SMS, which means that millions of people have been letting Facebook tap their exact locations whenever they chat. Who needs the NSA?

Fraternities and sororities serve a very worthwhile social purpose by sorting young Americans into handy stereotypes that will aid you in avoiding them during college. But some Greek undergrads think they get a bad rap, and are acting like jerks on Facebook to fix that.

The habitual scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed—alone on your computer late at night; on your phone while standing in line for coffee; right now, at your desk at work—is among the worst learned behaviors of the last 10 years.

Sheryl Sandberg’s husband Dave Goldberg has died suddenly, according to a post on Facebook written by his brother Robert. Dave’s Facebook profile has been converted to a memorial page.

Further cementing Facebook's present-day role as a center for old, angry people to congregate, a New York City judge declared Facebook messages a perfectly acceptable venue for filing divorce papers.

Facebook just attempted to clarify what you are and are not allowed to share on Facebook without getting your account shut down. The company has gotten some bad press for treating a painting of a nude woman (art, man) the same way it treats hardcore pornography, and in a new blog post that absolutely nobody will read, Facebook says it's aiming to "[provide] more detail and clarity on what is and is not allowed. For example, what exactly do we mean by nudity, or what do we mean by hate speech?"

A man currently on trial for defrauding Facebook apparently planned his escape for months, talking a judge into unfreezing some of his assets before cutting off his ankle GPS bracelet and escaping into the great unknown (upstate New York.)

Andrew Dale Marcum was featured on the Butler County Sheriff's Office Facebook as wanted for multiple charges. Marcum, an unwise man, commented, "I ain't tripping half of them don't even know me." No one knows what he meant.

A 14-year-old girl in Orangeburg County, S.C. was charged with criminal sexual misconduct with a minor after she posted a video to Facebook of a toddler performing a sex act on her, The State reports.

Over the last three years, South Carolina prison officials have brought more than 400 disciplinary cases against inmates for "social networking," the Electronic Frontier Foundation reports. Penalties in such cases are exorbitant, including time in solitary confinement as well as deprivation of visitation and telephone privileges.

"You love to travel. We love taking you there," says Delta Airlines' Facebook page, "Our Facebook page reflects that passion." For a little while on Monday, it also reflected a passion for yams that look like giant, gross, wormy dicks.

Another calamity barreling out of Illinois rep. Aaron Schock's office today: Benjamin Cole, Schock's senior adviser for policy and communications, resigned this afternoon after a series of racially-charged Facebook posts—including one in which he compares black people to zoo animals—were obtained and published by ThinkProgress. In another since-deleted post, Cole writes that he "thinks they should build a mosque on the White House grounds," in an apparent dig at Obama.

An Illinois anti-cyberbullying law that took effect Jan. 1 has the awkward side effect of allowing school districts in the state to demand their students' social media passwords so they can investigate suspected violations of school rules.

It's 2015, and your friends are sharing that block of pseudo-legal gibberish that supposedly prevents Facebook from using their "copyrighted content." This copyright notice means exactly the same thing it did when they posted it in 2012, 2013, and 2014: jack shit.

Facebook now admits that forcing people to revisit their most Liked and commented upon photos and statuses from the past year might not have been the best idea. This week, the product manager for the social media company's "Year in Review" app apologized to Eric Meyer, whose six-year-old daughter died of brain cancer earlier this year.

You may have a seen a story going around Facebook that promises you'll be able to float in the air on January 4th as a result of a planetary alignment that will "decrease gravity" for 5 minutes. Unfortunately, it is total bullshit.

After a Pennsylvania woman's Facebook post threatening to shoot Mike Brown protestors went viral this week, its apparent author had a simple explanation: my kid did it!

A 17-year-old Florida girl was arrested Friday for human trafficking after the Venice police department began investigating a high school prostitution ring organized on Facebook. The girl arranged at least one act of prostitution that involved a 15-year-old girl and a 21-year-old man, according to cops.