So there were rats in the restaurant. Okay. You’ll be fine!!!

Hey Jeff—great meal. Just great. Well, it’s all done. What’s that? Did you say it’s time to “load the dishwasher?” Sorry Jeff—I now think you’re not very smart at all.

Some of you who have successfully reached middle age and feel the yearning for a new sense of adventure in life may be considering purchasing a motorcycle. Before you do, consider this FACT: you will die.

We would never deign to call an Olympic sport "easy." Eating muffins is easy. Sports at least require some motion. But if you, the average non-Olympic athlete, really needed to make the Olympic team in a pinch, you would clearly choose bobsled as your "sport."

Men wearing sport coats and jeans: no. You want to be formal? Fine, wear a sport coat. You want to be casual? Fine, wear jeans. Pick one, and stand by your choice—Like A Real Man.

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.

Don't be looking at me.

Like most religious people, Americans are breathtakingly ignorant. We already knew we were ignorant about science and other factual matters, of course—but it turns out we're equally ignorant about religion! Except for the atheists.

Spencer Pratt knows "for 100% fact" that a Lauren Conrad/Jason Wahler sex tape existed. One hundred. Fucking. Percent. Fact. Not 10% fact like reasons to invade a country. Not 50% fact like a Barack Obama campaign speech. Not even 75% fact like goings on at a Duke lacrosse party. We're talking 100%. And he'll take a lie detector to prove it. Oh yeah? [Us]

Remember when all you had to worry about on Facebook was some awkward acquaintance adding you on Facebook too soon? (You know, like they talked to you at lunch once and instantly wanted to be your friend?) Maybe sometimes you got invited to the "Two and a Half Men is TV's Greatest Show" group? But now I'm getting bombarded with crap like "Jim-bob wants to share movies with you" and "Janiqua wants to share secrets." No, I don't want "free gifts." No, I don't want to be a zombie. No, iDon'tLike. So stop spamming me every time you get an app. (Unless it's that rocking graffiti wall.)