Do you want the good news or the good news? They're both made up by the Tonight Show writing staff, because even Jimmy Fallon couldn't fail to notice that everything that's really happening right now is basically terrible.

The Federal Trade Commission is asking federal judges in six states to shut down a total of 10 "fake news websites" that front as credible journalism outlets but really just hype the AMAZING WEIGHT-LOSS POTENTIAL OF ACAI BERRIES ™ !!!!!

The Chilean miners delved too deeply while underground, and discovered an unexpected someone from pop culture! Rescue workers took pity on the unpleasant person and rescued him anyway. See animated footage of the last person (character) out of the mine!

Well-played, Onion tipsters: That rumor we heard last week about a possible Onion buyout announcement Monday? It was insiders who lulled us into promoting their new we're-selling-out-to-China issue.

Earlier this week, we heard the Onion was in talks to sell to a large media company; now we're told there's some sort of announcement or internal meeting scheduled Monday in relation to the rumored buyout.

The Onion is hurting badly. And CEO Steve Hannah has already gleaned a lesson from the downturn, explained in the memo after the jump: resisting advertisers is a "losing game."

An Onion staffer whispers to us that the humor publication has already laid off editorial and sales staff for its Los Angeles and San Francisco print editions, which will, said the staffer, cease publication.

Bobbie Battista was a CNN anchor for 20 years, covering everything from the fall of the Berlin Wall to 9/11. What's she up to now? Reading fake news for The Onion. A step up!

Barack Obama talked to some governors about the economy Friday but all anyone really paid attention to was the weird pseudo-presidential seal on his podium. It is the eagle from the real-life presidential seal, holding arrows and an olive branch, but it says "Obama for America" on it and he replaced our country's Latin motto with "Yes We Can." So he's obviously un-patriotic, or arrogant, or something? It's going to be a big stupid issue. But even if it was just a bit of fun, we think it was clever. Because yes while everyone castigates the dude for pretending he's already the president, the news will show photos of him standing at that podium with that seal over and over again, making him look really presidential. Also it will remind people of how awesome the Ramones were. Now he'll be thrown in jail, just like they were. (An awesome YouTube video about this is after the jump.)

Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd sat down with the kids at the Harvard Political Review and discussed the important issue of "real news" verus "fake news." The debate has raged for years now, and it pits the network evening news against Comedy Central, basically. The New York Times counts as "real news," even though they publish Dowd's column. Dowd, obv, is unworried about this pretend news crisis. Because, she would like to remind you, she invented it! Sort of.

The three women who dubbed themselves the "McCain Girls" and made a series of YouTube videos on behalf of the Republican presidential candidate were working for 23/6, the "humor" site from IAC/Huffington Post, and their entire campaign was a joke. To hear 23/6 President Sarah Bernard tell it, the first video was supposed to be an obvious parody of the Obama Girl videos, but no one understood that. Then 23/6 decided to keep the "prank" going as long as possible, which turned out to be one month. McCain watched the video repeatedly, he told Fox News in the clip after the jump, but his description of it as "very entertaining" hints that he knew something was fishy.

23/6 is the political satire website from the Huffington Post and IAC. You know, sort of an Onion for the crowd that goes to College Humor for the biting wit. Now's your chance to get the sure-to-be-valuable commemorative 23/6 t-shirt! Look how excited one recipient is:

Now Naomi Klein turned down Colbert! Didn't anyone tell her and Katrina that the Colbert writers' "strike" is just an elaborate meta-media joke? No...? [NYO, Previously]

Guess what's live today? 23/6, the IAC-Huffpo comedy site that is pretty much two years in the making! Back in August, we pretty thoroughly trashed the beta. And now... here we are. (Launching a website on a Friday!?!? Do not ever do this, by the way.) So, really, what's to say? Well: Is there anything less funny than comedy? And: It's like Newser, but with irony! But we hope it's a huge success. We wouldn't want Barry Diller and HuffPo's Ken Lerer to lose any of their magical internet credibility. Also we hope the 23/6 kids don't hate working for 23/6 as much as we hear pretty much everyone currently can't stand working at HuffPo.

CNN is opening up a new bureau! And a j-school! Larry King will teach! Weekly news meetings will be run by CNN staffers! Oh, except, all of these things will be happening in alleged virtual world Second Life. Beginning next week, says MediaWeek, CNN will open up shop in the 3-D virtual world, allowing its residents to submit i-Reports on "news" happening in Second Life, learn tricks of the trade from leading CNN personalities, and get their news from virtual newsstands throughout the network. "I love that we don't have to take things from the real world and force them in," Susan Grant, executive VP of CNN News Services, told MediaWeek. We love the total insanity of that rationale.

Turns out rumors of West Village speakeasy Chumley's demise were rather premature. According to today's Times the bar's owners claim it'll be back up and running in a month or two. But what's auspicious for the ghosts of literary Chum-scrubbers Hemingway, Eliot, Fitzgerald, and Steinbeck posed a problem for Times scribbler James Barron: How to pad what amounts to a report on a business putting up a "be back in 5" sign? It's the nineties, silly—turn to AOL: