“Although coifs and comestibles would not seem to have much in common, for a specific demographic, a cappuccino made with locally roasted, ethically grown beans is a natural accompaniment to high-caliber haircuts.”

A city of 2.5 million is now home to a venue for a sport that has been in the Olympics for more than a century. What will those hipsters think of next?

Today, The Atlantic identifies the most intriguing new food trend of 2014: "miracle fruit," the magic little berry that makes sour things taste sweet. How come nobody's mentioned this before?

Welcome back to YouTube Jokes Mistaken For Ways Teens Actually Get High. Earlier this month, teens were reportedly smoking coffee for the caffeine buzz (false). Now they're getting a different kind of buzz by "Beezin," rubbing Burt's Bees-brand lip balm on their eyelids (also probably false).

Today, frantic tabloid the New York Post has an op-ed by Nicole Gelinas boldly headlined "The city's suicide epidemic is a myth." Yes, hmm. Where might this myth have gotten started?

Washington Post food critic Tom Sietsema has very important news for you. When you dine out at a fine restaurant, the serving staff communicates information about your tastes and needs to the people who cook the food:

Someone at the New York Times Style section should be fired for getting scooped on this "New hipsters fight old hipsters in Bushwick" story.

The "man bun" fake trend story has been going strong for at least 22 months now, making it the longest-running fake trend story since "cougars."

New York Magazine cover stories that purport to capture and explain some element of our current zeitgeist are not to be taken seriously. Just to be clear. Only people hermetically sealed in bubbles of Manhattan privilege would even labor under the delusion that such works of artful fiction were meant to be "believed," in a literal sense. Still—it is bothersome that they continue to be foisted upon the public. Why not just publish a collection of knock-knock jokes, instead? They'd contain more wisdom.

Every story published in the New York Times Style section that in any way purports to report on any trend occurring in the borough of Brooklyn is always complete bullshit. Hey, here's one: "In Brooklyn, Committing to a Man Bun."

Everyone knows that people in America's Northeast, Northwest, and Southwest regions are sociopaths with no regard for others. We don't even need to mention that widely accepted fact. Everyone also knows that the final haven of "manners" here in our nation of animals is the Southeast region, where people still say "Yes ma'am" and shit like that, no matter how corny it sounds, because they love Jesus—and manners.

Doesn't it seem like people are rude these days? It's totally not your imagination. Nor is it a simple garden-variety example of the human tendency to fallaciously generalize our own mundane experiences out onto the world at large. Not at all. It's a completely true trend, according to an official-sounding survey thing!

Did you know that spending too much time looking down at your Blackberry and texting is going to give your neck ugly and unsightly wrinkles? It's true! It's called Blackberry Neck. Says who? Well, the lady who came up with the treatment to fight Blackberry Neck.

The many perils of law school—how we love to cover them! As does the Lamestream Media. In fact, competition for stories about law school is now so strict among media outlets that the New York Times—once considered a "prestigious" news outlet dedicated to matters of public import—has written and published an entire story about how law students can borrow a dog to play with for 30 minutes at a time.

Encouraging news from the trend-heavy New York City dating world: single ladies have money now! Seventeen percent more money than their twentysomething male counterparts, according to a study that was immediately seized upon and churned into a New York Post trend story. You know what that means, fellas? Now it's time for you to have a "sugar mama!" Here's the scoop from one wealthy lady who gives her age as "29:"

Alarming recent news: "a new trend called 'robo tripping,'" is proving "kids will try anything to get high." Are you doing enough to "protect your teenagers from cough suppressants"? Beware. This is, after all, a brand new trend.

College is a special time in a teenager's life when he can leave mom and dad behind in order to smoke lots of weed in peace. But according to fake trendspotters, parents these days just can't let go! It's bananas.

For what seems like one million years now, media outlets have gleefully reported that America is full of sex-hungry cougar women, chasing young men down and sucking them dry. Minor correction: turns out that's not true.

Today the New York Daily News tries to blame Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods, Naomi Campbell and Levi Johnston's recent mishaps on the summer heat. "Sizzling summer meltdowns," the headline screams. Unfortunately, the two are completely unrelated.

"Trend forecasting" firm Tobe charges anywhere from $25,000 to $250,000 a year in order to tell its corporate clients what the hot fashions will be this season. How does Tobe know this? They just make it up, duh.