Sarah Palin may soon exchange her current occupation as professional rambler for another more structured job as the second hand to a shouting, shriveled piece of dried mango.

Slate's Reihan Salam keeps imagineering a right wing worth defending: "If the Tea Party were to fight crony capitalism as hard as it fights wasteful spending, and if its members were to train their anger on the Wall Street-Washington axis...it would be the most constructive and powerful political force of our time."

Slate columnist Reihan Salam has an important message: He still believes in neoconservatism. He concedes, more or less, that the past 13 years of United States foreign policy have been a hideous spectacle of strategic, tactical, and moral failure, all perpetrated in the name of neoconservative ideas. "Given all of this," he asks, "why am I still a neocon?"

USA Today—America's infographic-est newspaper—is tackling the question that is tormenting the minds of USA Today readers: is that book about the little boy meeting Jesus in Heaven real?

Luckily everyone has until Monday, April 18—rather than the customary April 15th—to file their taxes. Sure, many people (especially freelancers) are going to be cutting a giant check to Uncle Sam. But lots of people will be getting money back from the government. Here are some of the things you can buy with your newfound riches.

According to Out magazine, anyway. In a sex survey, the mag asked participants to name the one celebrity they'd cheat on their partner with, and the top answer was Ryan Reynolds. Huh. Fine. More Richard Chamberlain for our moms then.

Republican sex-fantasizer Andrea Peyser needs a stronger man than weepy Johnny Boehner: "Can you imagine Vladmir Putin of Russia, who rides bare-chested in boots aboard a horse through frigid Siberia, tapping wetly into his deepest fears?" Despotic fascism= sexxxy. [NYP]

Sex pervs are clamoring to "get a lick of the most vile substance ever fabricated," ejaculates Andrea Peyser in her sex column today. That substance: breast milk cheese. Andrea Peyser does not dream of suckling its tender surface, okay?

Horndog scientists are studying sexual sex fantasies of men and women and they've come to some startling conclusions: We all want to be dominated like dirty animals. But only if you want us for our sexiness!

How can the world sustain its romantic pirate fantasies when the only real pirates are now getting their asses kicked not just by Navy SEALs (understandable), but by lesser nations and—god—cruise ships?

Yesterday we described some of our 2008 campaign fantasies and asked you to do the same. And many of you did! We got stories that ranged from the terrifyingly (and depressingly) believable to the so out-there that only someone who doesn't believe in science could, uh, believe them. Our favorites are after the jump. "Victory is near for Team Obama with a walloping 10-point after Sarah Palin calls John McCain 'McDreamy' during her nomination acceptance. As will.i.am and fergie take the stage at the Obamaluvuyou.com Ice Cream Social, chief consultant David Axelrod starts grinding on the wings with an un-named field office intern. An errant iphone snaps a few frames of the ill-fated hip-swerve-age and erupts on the web within the hour. Axelrod resigns, is replaced by Biden's consultant who quickly shoots a new ad featuring Obama-Biden smoking cigars in the back of a pick-up truck in Scranton, hoping to pick up values-voters turned off by the scandal. Chaos erupts as Sarah Palin's increasingly pregnant daughter and her boyfriend get married in Atlantic City, hoping to court the mid-Atlantic. The wedding is televised with Rev. Rick Warren officiating. McCain seems ripe for upset Obama when he keels over in his home voting poll in AZ. But the eastern states have already cast their votes and amid the confusion and seeming Obama victory, new voters flock to western pollbooths, admittedly, to "fuck shit up," making Sarah Palin the first president to turn the white house into an igloo for a liberal-baiting seal hunt and all moose bbq." —A. Moss "McCain wins election, thanks to Diebold. One week before McCain/Palin are about to take office, there is an attack on the US. America freaks. Two days later, McCain has a heart attack and dies. This means that Sarah Palin is about to take office at a time of war. But that can't happen. So instead, President Bush declares martial law, citing precedent of FDR and suspends the swearing in ceremony. Public breathes sigh of relief. Bush remains in office for another four years. RIP American democracy." —bertyapple "OMG, what if Obama picked as his VP a fella with hair plugs and blindingly white teeth who had been rejected by the American voting public in every national election in which he competed? And then, when the Democrats are all 'aww, man, I totes thought we had a chance this time,' what if McCain picks a crazy high-school-hockey-stud-humping, badger-trapping, wilderness lady with virtually no experience in anything except killin', fuckin' an' eatin' what you kill and/or fuck? Then the Democrats will be all, 'hahahaha, you picked white trash for VP.' And then, what if the huge, mushy center of the country is all, 'fuck all ya'll 'cause she's more like us than ya'll' and elects her and Jesus comes back?" —Nard "Hillary Clinton expresses disgust at the media-driven savaging of Sarah Palin and elects to act as a godmother for a child. After a period of intense negotiations, she declares her intention to run as an independent third-party candidate with Sarah Palin as her running mate, holding a quick convention in a non-denominational church. They decide to call it the Women's Party of America, representing centrist issues like deficit cuts, faith-based care, and medical reform. The race immediately dissolves around sex lines, and the cantankerous combination of Hillary and Sarah become media lightning rods as the likes of Carly Fiorina, Janet Reno, etc. join the cause. Historic women's-rights advocates endorse the platform, Hollywood doesn't know what to do, the media starts counting fat stacks of cash, and the entire race becomes distorted. We go to the polls on Nov. 5 with absolutely no clarity on how the sexual or racial fissures in our country will smash against the system." —ADismalScience And many more...

Now that Jay Leno has entered the lame duck phase of his relationship with the Peacock network, it appears that he's decided to abuse his position as America's top-rated celebrity interviewer as fuel for his sexual reveries for many moons to come. While interviewing a crestfallen Scarlett Johansson on Friday night about Vicky Christina Barcelona (itself a rather sexually charged subject), noted auto enthusiast Jay figured he'd use the opportunity to engage the voluptuous starlet in some automobile-related foreplay. You see, he had done some research in advance of the chat and discovered that Scarlett told a lad mag that her number one sexual fantasy involved having sex in a car. But while Jay stopped just short of confessing that he has Crash playing on an infinite loop in his 17,000 square foot warehouse / garage, it was clear by reading his clearly flabbergasted guest's face that she's rather looking forward to sitting next to Conan O'Brien the next time she makes her way through Burbank. [The Tonight Show]

We're fans of surprises here at Defamer, especially when they involve young female stars in bikinis. So when we came across these photos of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen in their itty bitty swimsuits on Egotastic, we were admittedly shocked. Considering all those years-old anorexia rumors, coupled with endless paparazzi shots making the tiny twins look roughly 80 pounds combined, we'd expect a somewhat fear-filled reaction upon seeing MK and Ash undressed. But you know what? Hugh Hefner may not have been crazy after all when he decided the twins would be ideal candidates for his next Playboy spread. Even if the camera does add poundage, we're seeing muscle tone and curves. Take a closer look at the full gallery, up close and personal, after the jump.

Short, fat, dumb and lazy: Americans are the worst. But what if there was a drug that could change all of that? A drug that could cure every social, professional and emotional problem that exists? Why, that would be awesome. We could give up all those other drugs that only get us half way there. Maybe there might be such a drug, sometime soon!