fast-food

Survey Says Ronald McDonald Is 'Creepy'

Jeff Neumann · 05/18/11 06:34AM

Do you think Ronald McDonald is creepy? Same here. All clowns are creepy. Just don't try telling that to McDonald's executives, who say he is "a force for good" in this cruel, cruel world.

Fast Food Moguls Continue to Live Far Longer Than You Will

Hamilton Nolan · 05/16/11 10:40AM

It is the final, sweetest "fuck you" to America when a fast-food mogul lives a long, healthy life, and passes away at an age that their most ardent patrons could never hope to reach, what with the saturated fats and all. In just the past few years, sausage king Jimmy Dean died at age 81; Taco Bell founder Glen Bell died at 86; Sonic founder Troy Smith died at 87; Hardees founder Wilber Hardee died at 89; Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins died at 90; Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher died at 90; and frozen french fry mogul J.R. Simplot passed on at the ripe old age of 99.

Burger King Is Withdrawing from Iraq, Too

Jeff Neumann · 05/14/11 01:20PM

This summer, as the remaining U.S. troops are pulled out of Iraq, we'll be taking some cultural icons with us: Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Cinnabon are leaving the country, too. That's right — not only will Iraqis be missing the sight of heavily armed foreign troops and the comforting buzz of Predator drones, but they'll no longer catch a whiff of an oven fresh Meat Lover's® pizza wafting over the concrete blast walls of their local Forward Operating Base. All of the restaurants are scheduled to be pulled out by year's end.

Fast Food Brawls: Now at IHOP

Adrian Chen · 04/27/11 01:47PM

America's worst trend, YouTube videos of fast food patrons fighting, continues. Now it's happening at an Atlanta IHOP, where an off-duty police officer punched a woman in the face, kicking off a melee. It's unclear exactly why the cop was struggling with these people in the first place. The lawyer representing three of the women in the video accused the police officer of "excessive force."

Voracious Americans Demand More Calories in Snak Paks

Hamilton Nolan · 04/21/11 02:53PM

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Taco Bell Meat-Questioning Lawsuit Withdrawn

Seth Abramovitch · 04/19/11 01:15AM

The Taco Bell lawsuit that caused a nation to stare down at the half-eaten Gorditas in their hands and question the true nature of the oily, meat-like substance that filled them has been withdrawn.

McDonald's Trying to Pretend Like Its Jobs Aren't Horrible

Hamilton Nolan · 04/04/11 01:29PM

Don't pull that trigger just yet, suicidal chronically unemployed Americans: Mcdonald's is hiring 50,000 new workers right here in the USA, for positions ranging from cleaning grease traps to supervising the cleaning of grease traps to creating spreadsheets that rank the most cost-effective methods of cleaning grease traps. It's all part of a McDonald's effort to keep its grease traps clean. Along with its image!