Barristers in England are calling Guy Ritchie's freshly-minted breakup settlement with superstar wife Madonna a "model divorce." But cynics could just as easily call it a model victory for aggressive flackery: It was Madonna, according to some gossipy press reports, who initiated and most viciously perpetuated the post-split war of words with her husband; witness her public declaration her husband was "emotionally retarded." If Madonna's objective was to bully Ritchie into a fast divorce — and thus into relinquishing any claim on the singer's $450 million fortune, ten times his hoard — it worked. Ritchie is said accepting not a penny of Madonna's cash, telling the Mirror, "Thank God" it's all over. Madonna promptly got her drink on, said Page Six:

Former MSNBC guy Dan Abrams seems to have noticed that his plan to start a PR firm made up of actively employed members of the media who will sell their consulting services to corporate clients is causing some uproar among people who believe that it would be a blatant conflict of interest for any journalist to be part of it. Which should include you, and anyone else who doesn't think members of the media should take outside pay for PR work. Abrams and his cohort in the project, former HuffPo media critic Rachel Sklar, offered long defenses of the idea to Daily Intel. Let's do some critical analysis, shall we?

Citing "several" anonymous people close to Hillary Clinton, Politico reported the Democratic senator is still weighing whether to accept the job of Secretary of State, should it be offered. That contradicts a report in yesterday's Guardian that Clinton planned to accept such an offer from Barack Obama offer once the president-elect's team was done vetting her husband, the former president. Hillary might want to stay in the senate and help fix health care instead, her people tell Politico. Translation: there's no formal offer yet, and also no way in hell Hillary Clinton is going to let people think her future is at the whim of That One's "fairytale" administration:

We asked earlier for tips about layoffs at Time Inc.'s Essence, and have since heard about 12 people were let go — around 10 from marketing and business and two from editorial. A shared services group on the same floor, which services several magazines, lost four more. It's been nearly a month now of watching Time Inc. layoffs unfurl, and we can't help but wonder if the magazine group might not have spared survivors some pain and the company some bad publicity by executing a little faster.

Interested in serving in the president-elect's cabinet, or some other high-ranking capacity? Obama has 63 questions he'd like you to answer, quite possibly the most extensive vetting process in White House history. In addition to listing everything embarrassing or controversial that's ever happened to you, which must be pretty standard from administration to administration, or whether anyone in your family owns a gun, there are all sorts of exciting internet-related inquiries. Has anything been written about you, online, ever? You basically have to send all your Google results. Obama's team will also need anything you've ever written online, including fake names (see excerpt above). More exciting demands after the jump!

Jerry Portwood is the editor of the New York Press, and he does a lot of theater reviews. Like lots of theater reviewers, he gets free tickets for plays from publicists. But last week, he was abruptly disinvited and taken off the list for the play "The Sexual Neuroses of Our Parents," just before he was scheduled to attend. The reason: the play's publicist didn't like a NY Press story that pointed out that the play's publicists were marketing it by hyping up the fact that Meryl Streep's daughter is a cast member. Losing a pair of free tickets isn't the world's biggest tragedy, but it brings up the interesting question: How are flacks supposed to handle bad press? Answer: a lot better than this. The shortest bit of advice that smart PR people can take about bad press is to just suck it up. Nobody likes a negative review, but you have to take the long view of things. Cutting off news outlets for one story you didn't like is the equivalent of selling all your stocks as soon as the market has a bad day; a panicky way to ensure that you get nothing good in the future. Jerry Portwood tells us that when he spoke to the PR guy in question,

PRWeek got predictions about the election from 30 flacks around the country. One (1) of them predicted a McCain victory. So be sure to hire Nick Kalm of Chicago's Reputation Partners for strategic counsel on how to horribly embarrass yourself in any large, public group! "Regardless of who wins, however, the level of partisan rancor will be so high, it will make people long for the 'good old days' of Bush's second term," he says. Okay, just for that we will print his entire god damn answer below:

Oh Fox News PR machine, how we've missed your vicious personal attacks on anyone speaking ill of the Mothership! It's been literally months since one of Roger Ailes' specially trained attack flacks unloaded against a reporter or a PR person or anybody else for the crime of calling Fox News a den of writhing right-wing pus-sucking leeches, or words to that effect. Well now they're up against 6'6, 250-pound man who specializes in snatching balls. Finally, a fair fight: NBA Hall-of-Famer, erstwhile (former) Alabama Republican and free-speaking man Charles Barkley pointed out the obvious:

Every time—every time—a horrible tragedy befalls a famous person, some of our nation's most clueless PR practitioners use it as a news peg for some unfortunate client. And of course that tradition continues with the news that singer and actress Jennifer Hudson's whole family was murdered! When hearing such horrible news, we're bound to ask ourselves: Is there any "invaluable device" that could have saved them from their violent end? Well!:

Though they may lavish Wall Street Journal reporters with leaks and other scoops, American corporate executives tend to keep their names out of the newspaper's editorial pages. Overt support for the opinion section's relentlessly right-wing politics carries too much risk of customer blowback. But FedEx founder and CEO Fred Smith will tolerate no such sissiness. A former George W. Bush fraternity brother, Smith was named as a possible Bush defense secretary and has become involved with John McCain's presidential run. Fair enough. But Smith has to figure many customers might take it personally when tells the Journal opinion section "a majority of the population" is unproductive and greedy:

You know, movie mogul Harvey Weinstein may have his problems, involving Project Runway, a fashion line, a video distributor, an internet company, his wife's fashion company — they're endless, really. But the brash executive will be damned if he's going to feel ashamed to be losing four executives in the span of about six weeks. Because what that turnover really means is that he's an excellent people person! The departing staff, you see, started at entry level and were "groom[ed]" into "great executives," according to a statement sent to us by a PR firm representing the Weinstein Company. And what do great executives do? Get as far as possible from Harvey Weinstein, obviously. Click the icon to read the full statement.

Kudos to Fox News PR chief Brian Lewis for being the only media company flack to make the PRWeek "PR Power List" this year. He "has assembled arguably the most aggressive PR team that has ever existed," PRW writes. "In spite of criticism, Lewis and his team keep the message consistent." That message: Fall in line or be destroyed. [PRW (my former employer) via TVNewser]

So Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie are finally getting divorced. It's a very shocking thing, since earlier this summer, when reports of a pending divorce surfaced, Madonna's flack assured the world that the couple had "no divorce plans." Could it be that the flack, Liz Rosenberg—a charter member of our list of lying flacks—told something less than the full truth? After the jump, Liz's side of the story, and then the other, more accurate side: We asked Liz Rosenberg about this discrepancy between what she said earlier, and what's happening now. Her answer: "there was no pending divorce earlier this year." So, we asked, does that mean that, for example, the Sun's report that Madonna "initially planned to move back to the US with their three children in July" is false? "yes," Rosenberg replied. Well, how credible is Liz Rosenberg? She told the world in 2006 that Madonna was not adopting a baby in Malawi. Although, of course, Madonna did adopt a baby in Malawi. What else do we know about Rosenberg?

Well, this election is fast turning into an opposition-research-fueled shitstorm. On Meet The Press Sunday, Democratic strategist Paul Begala casually mentioned that John McCain sat on the board of the U.S. Council For World Freedom. And the Associated Press this morning elaborated on exactly what that entails. "The U.S. Council for World Freedom was part of an international organization linked to former Nazi collaborators and ultra-right-wing death squads in Central America.," AP said. Very interesting! But the rest of the article doesn't give any details on these Nazis or the role of this group, called the World Anti-Communist League, in launching a "Cocaine Coup" that turned Bolivia into a drug trafficking hub and hotbed of brutal torture. Luckily a former AP and Newsweek reporter named Roberty Parry wrote an oddly fun book called Lost History , which can provide further illumination:

Portfolio PR blogger Paul Pendergrass, a.k.a. Jack Flack, one of the media's sharpest translators of corporate bullshit, is leaving the mag and joining the NYT's Dealbook blog. Where his bullshit-translating skills will doubtless be put to good use. [PRNewser]

Consider Peter Shankman: skydiving flack, taser lover, and the founder of Help A Reporter Out (HARO), the free (!) service that connects reporters with a world of flacks dying to appear in their stories. HARO is a lot like Profnet, except Profnet costs flacks thousands of dollars a year. We wondered why Shankman went to all the trouble of running HARO, and now we know: $800,000 a year! Is this oversharing man the future of flackery? Adweek takes an in-depth look at the HARO phenomenon, and does a little calculating to figure out that Shankman makes more than $3K every day selling ads on his two daily HARO emails, that go out to more than 30,000 flacks and other wannabe media sources. For an hour and a half of work. Okay, that's kind of slick. But you know who thinks HARO sucks? The people at Profnet! HARO's deficiencies:

For American presidential campaigns, the run-up to any televised debate is nothing so much as an exercise in managing expectations. Your opponent is fearsome and will probably crush you. Your own candidate will be lucky to form a single coherent sentence. Then, after the debate, you can spin a weak performance as a come-from-behind victory. In this little game of flackery, Sarah Palin could not be better positioned for tonight's face-off against Joe Biden. The Republican vice presidential nominee is up against a respected lion of the senate. Severe economic anxiety has put her ticket nine points behind in a new poll. The debate moderator has a big crush on Barack Obama. And, most importantly, a series of disastrous interviews with Charles Gibson and especially Katie Couric has made Palin look like an uninformed, inarticulate embarrassment. You can watch the complete lowlights in the attached video, including Palin's failure last night to name a single Supreme Court decision other than Roe vs. Wade. But keep in mind that the worse Palin looks now, the better she'll likely appear, to some key voters, tomorrow morning.

The first half of Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric aired tonight and it's already making the wrong sorts of headlines. This is looking a lot like Palin's train wreck sit-down with ABC News' Charlie Gibson. (Video of the most damaging moments — this time around — after the jump.)

Being a documented cruel animal hoarder, Paris Hilton understandably faces a lot of scrutiny over how she cares for her 17 or so dogs. So when X17 reported the celebrity heiress had left two of her (mostly small and helpless) dogs outside for a night to be devoured as a light snack by local coyotes, the story spread like crazy, including to the Daily News and this morning's Post. Now Hilton's reps are denying that any dogs died at all, saying they're all still enjoying the opulent splendor of their "doggie mansion." The only problem? Hilton is a proven liar, and this story has the ring of truth.

Lately the internet has been "abuzz" with rumors that NBC wants to dump its golden boy chief programmer Ben Silverman. So of course NBC itself has been equally "abuzz" assuring everyone that it wants no such thing! Are they telling the truth? Oh boy, it's time to do some serious parsing of corporate spin: Among the reasons that NBC has to be pissed at Silverman: he hasn't resurrected the network's ratings; the upcoming season of shows has no clear breakout hit; he's a party boy who stays out all night and doesn't come into the office till 11; and he tapped his old friends for important positions they weren't qualified for, which resulted in NBC doing things like paying his deputy's boyfriend $1.75 million to take his stupid show pitch and go away. At a normal job, this would result in your boss hating you. But NBC chief Jeff Zucker couldn't be happier about how things are going!