• Thank God for Wolf Blitzer. There's no way we could get through this plane-in-a-building nightmare were it not for his soothing voice and probing questions, such as, "How could this happen just five years after 9/11?" We don't know how! Tell us, Wolf! Lead us out of the darkness and into the light of understanding! Cue sirens and/or car alarms for extra drama. [Seth Mnookin]
• YouTube fosters a special friendship between straight muscleheads and the Gay men who like to watch. [The Advocate]
• La Esquina: exclusive, quite possibly bruising. [Brain on Fire]
• As if they weren't bad enough, the RNC is now as evil as AOL. [NYSun]
• Anthony Bourdain doesn't mind if annoying bloggers take pictures of his food. [92Y]
• Jihad on the midtown Apple store? [LGF]

It's nice to know that when tragedy strikes, New Yorkers are willing to lend a hand to their fellow citizens. A case in point is city food blog Eater, which, within hours of this morning's explosion, posted a map to help those planning to dine on the Upper East Side this evening figure out whether to choose Aureole or Amaranth. (Aureole, if you're scoring at home.) It's important at a time like this that we don't forget the real victims.

• Behold Philippe Starck's Downtown Chandelier of Insanity, to be housed in his Broad Street condos. Luxury units still available, if the lighting fixture doesn't scare the shit out of you. [Curbed]
• After five cold, long years, Fabio is back and still completely in awe of that margarine. [AdAge (reg. req'd)]
• The perfect singles mixer: Girls meet, get wasted, bitch about dating and men. Men show up 2 hours later and are promptly torn to shreds. [LWE]
• If you're anything like us, you saw Brokeback Mountain and immediately wanted to be a Gay cowboy. Now a ranch in Montana is offering a vacation that will allow you to be exactly that. [Mirror UK]
• There was once a time when it was OK to say "Ayds helps you lose weight." [YouTube]
• A little too Donnie Darko for comfort. [CNN]
• First Grilled Cheese NYC closes its doors, and now 71 Clinton is nearing the end. A moment of silence, please, for the death of the Lower East Side's original gentrifier. [The Strong Buzz]
• A numerical study of the popularity of the phrase "more cowbell." Fittingly, it comes out on top of Clay Aiken — but who doesn't? [Parenthetical Remarks]

Having ourselves spent a summer waiting tables, we absofuckinglutely love Frank Bruni's article in today's Times, in which the restaurant critic spends a week waiting tables in a busy Boston establishment. It's the sort of class reversal that makes the world a better place, really. And the idea of a beefy Bruni zipping between tables, demanding cooks prepare monkfish on the fly, is potentially hilarious (and optionable, ahem). The article also gives some insight into the sad reality of evil customers; on his first night following various servers, Bruni witnesses the following:

• FishbowlNY blogger Rachel Sklar gives notice, as Mediabistro's dark goddess Laurel Touby has finally killed her happy disposition. Sklar lasted 10 months, which is a testament to her sheer strength and boa-blocking abilities. We'd say she'll be dearly missed, but it's not like she's dead or anything. In fact, she's alive more now than ever. Go free, young Sklar! [Media Mob]
• It's a lengthy, socialite-heavy blind item, but it's awfully intriguing. We're dying to know which Muffies and Sukies are involved! [NYSD]
• The Pink Elephant is back, but it's downgrading considerably to the likes of Crobar. For shame. [Jossip]
• 2006 should bring some fancy new hotels to NYC — assuming, you know, the damn things ever open. [New Yorkology]
• Musings on the separation of church and indie. [Pitchfork]
• New York City Restaurant Week starts today — enjoy it, as it's the one time it's almost OK to be fat in Manhattan. [NYCVisit]

• While Brad Pitt's adoption of Angelina Jolie's two stolen children is not yet official, a judge today has approved the changing of the kids' legal names to Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. As if these two urchins didn't face a tragic enough future as is. [Us Weekly]
• If you paid attention in Philosophy 101, you'd know that all men who wear Axe Body Spray also read Maxim. Actually, you'd probably know that whether you took philosophy or not. [Gongli]
• Personally, our "media diet" consists of Taco Bell, peanuts, and a glass of Charles Shaw. [Romenesko]
• Woody Allen is purchasing a $25.9 million townhouse on East 70th Street. A favorable review from the Times will do that for you. [The Real Estate]
• Delicious Discounts hooks you up with discounted delivery from over a thousand Manhattan restaurants — at least two of which have received a favorable score for health and cleanliness! [Consumerist]

• Times foodie Frank Bruni's cutting investigation into restaurants discovers the unthinkable: you will spend money, often more than you originally intended. We're grabbing a Pulitzer nomination form right now. [NYT]
• Perhaps The Source should have gone looking for a new accounts manager before their landlord booted their broke asses. [MB]
• A very odd and possibly sad sighting of Radar's widower Maer Roshan. [PX This]
• Former councilwoman Margarita Lopez crowns Mayor Bloomberg an "honorary lesbian." We always knew he had a little bulldyke in him. [Politicker]
• Yet another theory on James Frey's FTBSITTTD tattoo, this one with as powerful a message as they come. [TMN]
• Our society has finally come to the point where a young, helpless woman will sacrifice her ladyflower for a fucking videogame system. Score one for those Left Behind-type freaks. [Craigslist]

Bad news for the herbal infusion-addicted denizens of the Lower East Side: This morning electronica sell-out Moby announced to his troops that today would be the last day of operations at his Teany tea house. We're not quite sure what the reasoning is behind closing up shop; it's not as if we ever saw the joint looking particularly empty. Perhaps Moby was just tired of the imminent threat of violence on Rivington Street.

Thanks for bearing with me today. I wasn't fully prepared when I agreed to take a stab at producing 12-odd items (I think "odd" turned into the operative word) but my stay here is a brief one. I swear I'll be using as many of the tips everyone has sent as possible, even if I have to space them out over several gigantic link-dump posts. Here are a few to hold you over.

Yesterday's Thrillist:

A wall collapsed on East Houston and Eldridge yesterday, taking with it the livelihood of newish neighboring diner LoSide. While the establishment looks fine, the building has been condemned and the vacate order notes the conditions inside are "imminently perilous to life." Which is what one might say about a lot of the neighborhood venues — but LoSide's food was particularly shitty.

Brace yourself, 'cause it's a big day in Postville. After years of frustrating himself with reviewing restaurants that morph so quickly that his critical response becomes quickly irrelevant, resident foodie Steve Cuozzo has decided to reshape the Post's restaurant reviews (crazy, we know, that sort of action coming from the paper's lead food critic). Instead of traditional criticism, Cuozzo will now write restaurant "updates." He says:

• We've spent all weekend ignoring real estate harpy Barbara Corcoran's secret hideaway as featured in the Times, as we didn't want to express our rage at the cost of our "wit." Alas, time hasn't helped our case. So: NICE FUCKING PLACE. Did you sell it to yourself? Did you charge yourself a big sexy broker fee? We bet you did, you dirty little wench. [NYT]
• Is Kate Moss in Scottsdale, AZ right now? Golly, isn't the Meadows rehab right by there? [Oh No They Didn't]
• A reader reports of danger within the kitchen of Da Silvano: A Saturday night serving of lobster led to some nasty food poisoning. Graydon Carter, take note.
• James Frey kills Harry Potter. [Daily Transom]
• Big Pussy walks. No, not yours. Perv. [CityRag]
• Brian Sack sits down with the genius behind the Geico "tiny house" commercial. [Banterist]
• It's the Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Dummies Books for Dummies. [Baltimore Sun]

Like our friends at Eater, we too noticed something was a bit funky with Timesman Frank Bruni's double-listed review(s) of Amy Sacco's new trough for the famous, Bette.

We're assuming you've been outside today, so you'll know exactly what we mean when we helplessly ask what the fuck is going on out there? Seriously, it's getting biblical out on the streets, so make sure you use your energy wisely. For your sake — and in the name of that ever-elusive service journalism we keep hearing about — we've done you a favor and, using a nifty Google maps-based pedometer tool, taken the time to map out the fastest routes to three Tasti-D-Lites near the Condé Nast building at 4 Times Square. And, because we know Condés think of such things, we've even gone and calculated how many calories one might burn on each trip, assuming one weighs 115 pounds. (That is the official company weight limit, isn't it?)

• The Manhattan 7-11 is here to stay and, to assure itself of your love, they're giving away free Slurpees. Go ahead, you know you want to scream "Brain freeze!" like it's 1991 all over again. [Manhattan Offender]
• The WWD Overexposure Index, strangely enough, is followed by a straightforward item on Lindsay Lohan. Ahem. [WWD]
• More on the celebrity weeklies' usage of creative covers: Even your precious People magazine is guilty of this sort of bullphooey. Sure, it was a long time ago, People's cleaned up since then — we've heard it all before, and we trust no one. [WND]
• To give the Post fucking dating section more than a passing glance requires a very serious problem. Ladies and gentlemen, meet that problem, love the problem, and make it your own. [Lectern]
• Britney Spears has the golden ticket, and it's not to Planned Parenthood. Live, Federletus, LIVE! [OAN]
• You know what we're sending to Judith Miller? A "Free Judith" t-shirt. Duh. [CafePress]

If memory serves us correctly, the NYC as Cupcake Town thing peaked around 2003 (but don't tell the lemmings lined up outside Magnolia, they're just catching on), then tapered off into a general acceptance and acknowledgment of the cupcake as the latest ubiquitous New York food. The virtual omnipresence of designer cupcakes, then, leaves us rather confused, then, about a fresh new legal drama.