Yesterday, newbie Democratic presidential candidate and former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley announced a plan to end student debt—and said that he had personally taken out $339,200 in student loans for his two daughters. Uhhh, what?

Joe Lentini ordered a bottle of Screaming Eagle Oakville 2011 for the table during a business dinner last week at Bobby Flay's Steak in Atlantic City's Borgata Hotel. He was allegedly informed by their waitress that the bottle cost "thirty-seven fifty." The bill, however, contended otherwise, listing the bottle at its actual price: $3,750.

Cotton-topped moron Richard Cohen is, of course, an awful newspaper columnist. We're used to his steady stream of ill-concealed bigotry, horny romance diatribes, and routine contempt for the entire idea of "journalism." But now, Richard Cohen is forging bold new frontiers of fucked up sexual obsession.

Remember when Juan Williams was a respected NPR journalist? It seems so long ago. He said something dumb, got fired, got bitter, got picked up by Fox News, and now makes a living as a sort of reformed liberal talking clown, paid to confirm the right wing's prejudices. Today: Juan Williams doesn't like that rapping music, either!

Every once in a while you run into one of these fresh-mouthed young high school graduates declaring they're going to "change the world" with their "apps" and their "new paradigm" and their "great idea for an electronic dance beat." News flash, kiddos: you're mediocre at best, just like your old man.

Esquire and ESPN Magazine writer Chris Jones—winner of both a National Magazine Award (though not as many as he believes he deserves) and a Gawker Least Important Writers award—has long been known as that guy. That guy who, despite having one of the more enviable writing jobs in journalism, would wail about not winning an award. That guy who would launch soul-pained howls against the merest online insult. That guy whose Twitter bio said "I'm also a big fan of The Three B's: bacon, books, and bourbon"—until now.

Oregon state Rep. Dennis Richardson (R-Fantasyland) won himself a measure of infamy when he proclaimed after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings that "If I had been a teacher or the principal at the Sandy Hook Elementary School and if the school district did not preclude me from having access to a firearm, either by concealed carry or locked in my desk, most of the murdered children would still be alive, and the gunman would still be dead, and not by suicide." What a dick. But Dennis Richardson is not just any dick: he is a dick with a plan.

The Powerball jackpot is up to $320 million. Why do you play the lottery? Is it because you have a dream? Because you have hope of a better future? Because—though you know it's a long shot—you just have a good feeling about this one? Because the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step signify your jaunty, devil-may-care attitude towards the naysayers, and a firm belief that you, a fundamentally good person, will one day get your proper reward?

I'm sure that railroads are a tough business. Probably takes a lot of skill and savvy to turn a profit. I'll give you that. But you know what is not a tough business in which to profit? Selling food and drinks at a virtually unlimited markup to a captive audience with no other options. Amtrak cannot even make a dollar doing that.

The key rule of responsible long term financial planning is: Whenever you build a financial surplus, even for a moment, immediately blow that surplus on a plan that will also eliminate a steady source of long term income. I was kidding! That is not actually a "good" rule of financial planning. But it is a craven political rule, and isn't that what's really important?

The public relations industry features a low bar for entry and an even lower bar for performance. Were the bars to get any lower, it would be an underground prison, rather than a hell on earth. This is PR Dummies. Hella dumb, every week.

Northwestern University theater major and former Los Angeles resident Chester "Chet" "Chet Haze" Hanks caused a minor uproar yesterday when he took a brave stand on the Twitter against bullying victims who commit suicide. Alas, thanks to the pussyassness of the world at large, Chet has been forced to apologize.

Khristopher J. Brooks is a young reporter who was excited to be hired by the Delaware News-Journal last week. In a playful little gesture, he wrote up a fake "press release" on his own personal Tumblr announcing, "On Wednesday April 4, 2012, the News Journal Media Group acquired veteran education reporter Khristopher J. Brooks." He included some quotes about his career and background on the paper itself. For this, he was immediately fired, because NEWSPAPER WORK MUST NEVER BE FUN.

Here's cartoonist Stephanie Eisner's latest political cartoon published in the Daily Texan, the student paper at the University of Texas- Austin. You can see "The Media" there, telling its lies again, about how the BIG BAD WHITE [*a bunch of arrows pointing to "white"*] man killed the handsome, sweet, innocent COLORED [*a bunch of arrows pointing to "colored"*] BOY. Oh, you media. Always trying to pull the wool over the WHITE man's eyes, to protect the COLORED BOYS. Blarrrrrggghhhhh.

Public relations encompasses a multitude of skills: audience analysis, persuasive communication, business savvy. There are those who do all of these things poorly. These are the PR Dummies. The dumbest of the dumb, every week.

Here we are six weeks into 2012, and we've barely even stopped to contemplate all of the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that pours forth from Northwestern University rap star and Tom Hanks scion Chet Haze. We will now remedy that. Below, a thorough review of all of Chet's wisdom shared on Twitter thus far this year. Absorb that shit.

Last September, York University student Sarah Grunfeld accused her Jewish professor of anti-Semitism after failing to grasp that he was expressing an outrageous opinion to illustrate a point, rather than as a true statement of his beliefs. Sarah, who was roundly mocked for this, believes she is the real victim in this case.

Animatronic tabloid rage sex screed-writer Andrea Peyser has set aside her sexcellent sexcapades for a day in order to get good and rageful about something deplorably predictable. "More rage, less sexxx" may be Andrea Peyser's catchphrase, in 2012 (time will tell). What is Andrea rageful about, today? Well, let's just see what's in the movie theaters, shall we?

Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America.