Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a bid to purchase the St. Louis Rams after the NFL commissioner said Limbaugh's "not what the NFL is all about." Wait—the NFL's not about white people buying and selling black people?

The Way We Live Now: Tip-top! "Wall Street on Track to Award Record Pay." Meanwhile, we're cutting the pay of non-Wall Streeters in half, and lowering the minimum wage. The rational market at work!

Some scoffed when Brett Favre again came out of retirement and signed with the Minnesota Vikings. Now Favre's having the last laugh. With tonight's win against his old team, the Packers, Favre's now defeated every NFL team. Collective crush, commence.

In your desperate Thursday media column: America's toddler journalist has a lesson for Wolf Blitzer, college football wants to muzzle bloggers, newspapers burn, and ESPN magazine is mad cheap!

Oh, good, Morgan Stanley just hired a financial analyst who had to quit the NFL two years ago because he'd had too many concussions to continue playing. Wayne Chrebet, welcome to the Moldaver Group wealth-management team!

Is there any creature full of more self-entitlement than a suburban parent? Yesterday, a bunch of kindergartners didn't get to tour the White House because they were an hour late. Their parents are outraged and, no, they won't reschedule because they're too busy, Mr. President That Hates Children.

In your fabulous Thursday media column: John Madden retires, newspapers just falling apart everywhere, Martha Stewart gets a fat contract, and Fiji's version of The Onion:

Dating columnist Julia Allison must be figuring that everything she has done is meaningless compared to someone paid to throw a ball around. Her Internet popularity has peaked after her dalliance with a football player.

Nobody's even talking about Super Bowl ads this year! We're here to remedy that, because what is our purpose if not to indoctrinate the public into the world of robotic overconsumption? Look, ad preview!

Once a year, socialites are permitted to put on sneakers, venture into a sports bar on Second Avenue, order a plate of wings, and watch a big-screen television. Yes, Super Bowl Sunday is 48 hours away. But if you're a member of the social set and you're still a bit baffled by all the rules and terminology, VF.com has a helpful vocab list you can refer to. Remember: A block is not "the distance you have to walk on Park Avenue between 72nd and 73rd Streets." [Vanity Fair]

"Giants Fan in Shambles," it's titled. So true: the guy may need a "reality check," but can't someone provide him with a protective stuffed animal or something? Even Crocker had a blanky.

A hedge fund founded by three retired football players (including Joe Montana) is shutting down because of poor performance. Strange, because that's just not something you would see coming. You would think a hedge fund founded by retired football players would do really well. [NYP]

If we had to list the worst things a celebrity could do in a nightclub in order of ascending dumbness, they would go like this: 1. Bring a gun to a nightclub. 2. Get arrested for bringing a gun to a nightclub. 3. Get shot at a nightclub. 4. Get shot at a nightclub and also arrested. 5. Shoot yourself accidentally with a gun you brought to a nightclub illegally, and then get arrested for it. So New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress truly achieved the pinnacle of nightclub stupidity last weekend by accomplishing #5. And the felony complaint against him shows he damn sure can't claim self-defense:

Click to viewBoomp3.com High school football coach and digital camera pitchperson Ashton Kutcher called for a time out during the big break to ask his defense line for some feedback on his latest ad campaign. Kutcher was concerned that he was coming off like a slight tool in the latest ads. However, the defense line thought that they should focus on the game since they were only down by a field goal. Kutcher said that he had the game winning play all drawn, but would only give it up after getting some feedback. The That 70s Show star told the guys to be completely honest and brutal with him. The defensive captain speaking for the whole team said, “I don’t know. It’s mildly annoying, but it could be worse. Now, can we get that game winning play?” Kutcher patted the defensive captain on the back and told him to sit the rest of the game out. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Mega movie star Will Smith celebrated his 40th birthday in grand style as he went to town on a bag of Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos. Smith munched on a bag of the triangular taste explosions while taking in his son's football game. However, the former fresh prince of Bel Air's spent most of his time at the game making sure Dorito dust didn't land on his sharp white shirt. Smith said, “That’s what pants are for!” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

ESPN is the USA's sports leader, sanctioned by God, the American Way, and Brett Favre. Males of a certain age (11-75) who don't watch the network risk placing themselves under serious suspicion of being candy ass pansy boy homos, NO HOMO. So you'd think that ESPN wouldn't have trouble drawing young viewers. But America's sports indoctrination machine is flagging because of the internet and the computers and the fatness! So ESPN has been forced to take drastic and, we daresay, un-American measures: Video games in the football broadcasts. This marks the failure of American P.E. teachers:

As you may have heard, a faux-grizzled Mississippi boy named Brett Favre has brought his quarterbacking services to the New York Jets, the sad and mopey second-tier football team in a second-tier football town. This is quite big news, since Favre is a revered football icon, an unpredictable head case, and could easily win a Super Bowl or have one of the worst seasons in professional football history. Favre's arrival has created a frenzy amongst the bloodthirsty NYC sports media. Which has itself created a separate frenzy of analysis about why this particular segment of the media is such a schizophrenic mob. All of which has circled back into a scrum of grown men fighting over this simple question: Is New York City the pinnacle of sports media; or the most hellacious sports reporting town in America? New York City boasts a tabloid-led sports media machine that is unrivaled anywhere in America. But to outside observers, this can seem like the worst possible setup. Here's what Gregg Doyle, a columnist for CBS Sportsline, had to say on Howard Kurtz's CNN show yesterday:

Brett Favre is a tool. [NYT]

Cinematic tough guy Clive Owen received some bad news via his Blackberry outside the London branch of celeb sushi spot Nobu on Tuesday night. Apparently, the die-hard Liverpool F.C. fan got the news that the club had lost a mid-fielder for the upcoming season. Owen said, "There must be a bunch of Manchester wankers in the Visa office. Maybe I should go over there and give those droogs a swift kick to the yarbles."

The Washington Redskins Kill The Injuns Yee-Ha football team has somehow flexed its legal muscles and made it impossible for bloggers who care about racist football franchises to embed news videos of the team. How? I don't know, maybe with repeating rifles and relentless Westward expansion and blankets infected with smallpox! [WP via TBL]