What should have been just another sleepy Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday turned unexpectedly violent, when Joe Kapp, 73, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, got into a fight with his longtime rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

Behold: the snobbiest Harvard University merchandise ever created. A company selling t-shirts and pinnies for Harvard-Yale football game has a special line of OCCUPY YALE shirts. Slogan: "We are the 6%."

After weeks of angst, perfect Yale quarterback Patrick Witt has decided to skip his Rhodes Scholarship interview so he can play in the Harvard-Yale football game. Better not lose now, Yale!

After the embarrassment of Wednesday night's riot, in which thousands of Penn State students took to the streets to protest the firing of longtime football coach Joe Paterno for helping to cover up assistant coach Jerry Sandusky's alleged rape of several young boys, you'd think Penn State fans would have learned their lesson. As it turns out, not all of them have.

It's times like this—when a "hero" beloved for not-quite-justified reasons meets a scandalous end, and college kids start rioting in the streets over sports, not social justice—when we, as a nation, need to sit back, take a deep collective breath, and ask ourselves: "Can you imagine if everyone involved in this thing were black?"

Yale University quarterback Patrick Witt is "every inch the football hero," "a contender for the NFL draft," "the most accurate passer in Yale history." He is also very smart, with a 3.91 GPA and a shot at the Rhodes Scholarship.

The resilient, rough chuckles-enduring people of Detroit put up with dog poop air, crime-ring moms, crime-ring stray dogs, fake Koch evictions, and 1,001 other ills. But they refuse to sit through a Nickelback half-time show during this Thanksgiving's Lions-Packers game. Uninspired Canadian crap rock is where they draw the line.

Thank God the Senate was finally able to kill those jobs so quickly! Now the nation's top senators can return to the usual business of using their elevated positions to funnel money and prestige to institutions in their home states.

The University of Arizona played host to UCLA on Thursday for an evening game of football. Just before halftime, a man posing as a referee rushed the field, was exposed as a fraud, and then attempted to escape while simultaneously shedding his clothing. Did I mention that all the commotion led to a bench-clearing brawl?

Supposedly Madonna is the latest superstar set to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Let's hope she pulls a Janet Jackson. She wouldn't be Madge if she didn't do something controversial and blind viewers with an exposed body part.

NYPD Officers Catherine Guzman and Mariana Diaz and two of their colleagues were disciplined for tossing a football to a little boy they encountered in a Bronx housing project, and now Guzman and Diaz are complaining that their punishment was unfair. It sure was—they should have all been fired.

Leroy McKelvey, a 59-year-old Dallas Cowboys fan, went with three friends to see his team face off against the New York Jets on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Naturally, emotions were running high. But before the game even started, trouble was afoot in upper-deck Section 324 of MetLife stadium:

If you had to think of one thing that stood out on the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, you would probably say there was a lack of television tributes, right? Funny, because that's how the New York Post sees it, too. Fact-based reporting from the paper:

Louisiana Sen. David Vitter is one of the members of Congress who's been bragging in the last few days about not attending President Obama's speech tonight — in his case, to hold a football-watching party at his house. But it probably wasn't a good idea to broadcast his lame flouting of congressional tradition! Because Sen. Harry Reid heard him, and now it appears that little David will have to stay in Washington after all.

At some point, maybe Speaker John Boehner will become good at his job and round up enough House Republicans to pass his go-nowhere debt ceiling bill. Maybe. Because Congress has other, much more important business to attend to this afternoon, like signing up for a football game.

When most people go on vacation, they forget about their workout routines and restrictive diets. Not Michelle Obama. She is, once again, advocating for children to exercise, this time on her trip to South Africa. How does she do it and never break a sweat?

Confederate racist ex-Senator George "Macaca" Allen is running to reclaim the Virginia Senate seat he lost in 2006 by being racist, or at least widely interpreted by everyone as such. But that's all over now! No more needless racial flare-ups on this campaign! Except for the comical one that just happened, and maybe more down the line.

Trick shot reels aren't just for quarterbacks anymore.

Using footage from a 2010 Iowa verses Wisconsin football game, this clever spoof overlays a compelling nature film narration providing an amusing juxtaposition on the human condition.

When Auburn University beat Alabama in the Iron Bowl last year, something in Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr. snapped. Updyke is an Alabama fan — bitter rivals of Auburn — so the loss was especially tough. In an act of revenge, he phoned into an Auburn radio station to say that he'd sprayed a tree-killing herbicide called Spike 80DF around the school's famed 130-year-old oak trees at Toomer's Corner — where Auburn fans celebrate after wins, do keg stands and puke and make choices that they regret the next day. Updyke ended his call to the radio station with "Roll Damn Tide." Now the trees are dying and there's bascially nothing that anyone can do to save them.