Diff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman had just finished a wholesome evening of bowling with his wife and his bodyguard in lovely Payson, Utah, yesterday when 24-year-old punk Colt Rushton approached him in the parking lot and demanded that the actor pose for a cellphone picture with him. Coleman refused, Rushton would not back down, and it ended like it always ends when some fool steps to Gary fucking Coleman: with the perp flat on his ass.

We have learned a great many things during this election year, but chief among them is that Republicans hate Hollywood (though not really). In fact, their vendetta against Tinseltown is so strong that they have now seized the means of production, which would at least explain the trailer for the upcoming right-wing comedy An American Carol — that is, if anything could explain An American Carol. A spoof of The Christmas Carol from Republican director David Zucker, it's the story of a Michael Moore-resembling filmmaker who is shown the error of his ways by a cast made up of Hollywood's biggest Republicans. If that description sounds a little dry, try these details on for size: the Moore stand-in comes to his senses when he is taught to kill members of the ACLU, and George Washington is played by Jon Voight. A closer look at the insanity, after the jump:As egregious and anti-funny as nearly every beat in the trailer is (we were especially partial to Gary Coleman's slave-talkin'), they all pale in comparison to this scene, teased by Reason:

Putting together a celebrity slideshow isn't for the faint of heart: just ask our own Molly McAleer, whose titanic work in the pursuit of compilations could kill a lesser man (and has — don't ask us about that intern in '06). So how do you survive filling out an eleven-page slideshow when your subject is that most rarest of species: celebrity virgins? Well, if you're an employee at Us Weekly, you cheat a little, padding your list with both non-virgins and non-celebrities alike! Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

As we noted several weeks ago, diminutive quick-cash loan company spokesman Gary Coleman has finally given up on playing the ever-dwindling Diff'rent Strokes-groupie field, and settled down with a lovely young lady named Shannon Price. Until now, little was known about the happy couple, save for the fact that Coleman sometimes accidentally launches things at Shannon's head in moments of anger, and that at the age of 40, he is still a technical* virgin. (*A post-wrap-party exploratory session with Dana Plato notwithstanding.) Well, The Today Show set out to correct all that, by squeezing the newlyweds on a couch alongside Al Roker for some get-to-know-the-Colemans time. Enjoy, and while you're at it, have a ball imagining what their kids will wind up looking like, should Gary ever overcome his sex-having issues.

In a joint report from the departments of Wishful Thinking and No One Actually Cares, US Weekly has cobbled together a wee photo gallery of famous people who have vowed to remain virgins until marriage. You know, like weird Christian people. Who's on the list? Tragically, it begins with Britney Spears, who famously declared her virginity only to hop on Justin Timberlake shortly after. Now if you look up "virgin" in that dictionary of yours, it just says "Not Britney Spears." But who else! Texan singer Jessica Simpson, some model, those doe-eyed rocker boys The Jonas Brothers, and then... Gary Coleman. Yeah I guess he's married and his wife won't bone him. Because, you know, she's in it for the money. Allll those Coleman riches. Sigh (and not in the good way.) [US] After the jump, little old Gary talking about sex. Yay!/Barf

A (lucky!) redhead named Shannon Price agreed to marry and deflower Diff'rent Strokes star-turned-punchline Gary Coleman in what really we're hoping is an elaborate stunt to convince Vh1 execs to shoot a pilot episode for Strange Love 2: Short And Sweet. Taking a cue from the destructive relationship between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, it seems that domestic abuse is just one of the many fun activities going on at Casa Coleman since married life began! The NY Post reports that Price told Inside Edition that:

Gary Coleman, the child actor who amassed a small fortune from TV show "Diff'rent Strokes" but ended up working as a security guard, secretly married and reportedly lost his virginity to a cute 22-year-old redhead six months ago and is working furiously to destroy this generous twist of fate. His wife, Shannon Price, has been described by one tabloid as "half [Coleman's] age and twice his height," and is the one who proposed, despite Coleman's notorious temper. She makes her money selling things on eBay, including Coleman memorabilia. They got married after a helicopter ride through the Grand Canyon and "Inside Edition" did a whole big story. Sweet, right? Except they don't talk for days at a time, probably because Coleman is throwing things and his wife is having to call the police. Details, plus a quick video shot of the wife, after the jump.