Last night’s Donald Trump rally was interrupted by a splattered tomato, a term which is, perhaps for the first time, not being used in reference to Trump’s appearance.

Cops say a female Montana daycare operator was brutally assaulted last week while trying to protect three kids from their allegedly drunk dad, who had reportedly lost legal custody.

Cops are brave, some might say, but I posit to you that true bravery is borne by the man who refuses to serve them. Because truly, there are much better ways to stick it to someone you don’t like than to risk your employment (and other things, probably, this is Texas we’re talking about) just to withhold from them a delicious hamburger.

America’s oldest living veteran—who, if I may speak freely, I truly love—just threw himself a “Mighty Fine at 109” party replete with burgers, cake and whiskey. I can only assume my invitation was lost in the mail and look forward to attending next year’s event.

Who knew a little monkey would be the one to teach us all how to love?

A teenager in Spartenburg, South Carolina was arrested on Tuesday for doing what any teen might have done in the face of desperation: Young Karla Farmer stole Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray from a local mall before getting scooped up by the cops. Teens have to teen.

A woman in Hurley, Mississippi was discovered by cops this week stealing items from cars in a high school parking lot, after which she told them she wasn't stealing exactly, she was looking for members of ISIS.

What, you think you like chips? You don't. Not the way this young woman filmed on the Metro North train by a fellow rider does. After what appears to be a long night of partying, the blond hero pursues the American dream: chips followed by chips and more chips, straight from the dirty floor.