• There's a definitive turning point in the life cycle of any given celebrity, that moment when his or her star has officially fallen from its peak and begins its ugly, if not slow, descent towards irrelevance. That moment unequivocally is the commando crotch shot, and today it belongs to a disturbingly hairless Lindsay Lohan, who's never been so glad those damn baby pictures popped up when they did. [WWTDD]
• Meanwhile, the cost of access to that bald firecrotch is having Lohan as a very bitchy girlfriend. [Page Six]
• And finally, Lohan's incarcerated father asks fellow inmates to please stop rubbing 'em out to pictures of his little girl. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• K-Fed admits that life with his wife, Britney Spears, is really difficult. Especially when he has to sleep with her. [TMZ]
• Karl Rove loved his big, gay stepdad. [R&M]
• Breaking: Rich people loan other rich people their stuff, free of charge. Related: Rich people like the Hamptons. (That one's breaking, too.) [Page Six]

Be that as it may, those fags had still better kick some ass.

Because daytime television is THE MOST IMPORTANT SHIT IN THE WORLD, your panties are no doubt soaked with excitement over celebrity lesbian Rosie O'Donnell's debut as the new co-host on The View. If you're so cursed (or blessed) as to not be watching it live, let us just note that it's really not worth a live-blog. In fact, the only excitement is just in seeing Rosie O'Donnell sitting there with nice hair and makeup (per her contract). She acknowledged that her old alpha-lesbian routine terrified America and, to make it up to everyone, Rosie's even wearing high heels on her first day. See? She's a lady. And oh, how the ratings will skyrocket! (Granted, Rosie could come out and do her shortbus routine and lick a can of peas, and ABC would reap the rewards.)

• A celebrity is openly doing lines while wearing a dirty brown shirt. Fine. But smelling like drugs? That's just tacky. [Hotel Chatter]
• Lance Bass goes on a gay date with his gay boyfriend. Because he is gay. [TMZ]
• Literary journal n+1 successfully raises $3,000 to give to thief. [NY Sun]
• Comedian earns spot in NY Post's list of "25 Sexiest New Yorkers." Which makes sense, as he has been running through our mind of Mencia all day. [The Apiary]
• Hurricane Ernesto leaves devastating puddle in its wake. [One Park Reality]
• The originator of the Valerie Plame leak steps forward. Not Karl Rove or Dick Cheney, yet still very, very ugly. [NYT]
• Elizabeth Spiers' racy tell-all about the founding of Gawker omits the sexy scene where she and Nick Denton meet at a Metafilter party. [BeE Magazine]

Local ABC weather queen Sam Champion is rumored to be taking his honeybasket to Good Morning America, where he'll replace former weatherman Tony Perkins. ABC hasn't made any announcements, but TVNewser and the lot are buzzing that the deal was finalized yesterday (perhaps to WABC's chagrin, as losing Champion may hurt their ratings with the Chelsea demographic), and Champion will start September 5, the same day that political progeny Chris Cuomo becomes the show's official news reader.

There are so many things about the world we don't know, and if we do know them, we don't really understand them. For example, we had no idea an entire subculture had grown up around voguing — i.e., sorta dancing and contorting and flipping your limbs around in rough approximation of Madonna's antics in the video for her song "Vogue." Though the dance style ostensibly predates her, even Madge is strictly "old way" voguing; sorry, Miss Thing. Above, witness post-1990 "new way" vogue aficionados Aviance and Mecca competing in a New York vogue battle, which involves alarmingly thin queens in spandex (and goggles) demonstrating a physicality we can only describe as alien to the natural human experience.

Former Mayor Ed Koch, in his current role as movie critic, seems displeased with recent release Another Gay Movie:

Though one might question whether a man who was recently outperformed by a group of mentally retarded actors will be good for Chelsea newsstand sales, Johnny Knoxville graces the cover of the new Out (the first issue under new EIC Aaron Hicklin). Knoxville, apparently eager to prove his pink chops, made a play for staff love by bringing his own gay mixtape to the photo shoot. What a brilliant way to win over the Gays — homos love to dance! The playlist:

• Boy George's street sweeping causes a paparazzi car crash. Live the Lohan dream, buddy. [OAN]
• The MySpace profiles belonging to Bonnie Fuller, Anna Wintour, and Graydon Carter are fake. Duh, the only profile genuinely belonging to a media bigwig is Atoosa Rubenstein's. The 'Toos loves the 'Space. [AdAge]
• Spin increases its page size to 10x12, making that much more room for Fall Out Boy coverage. [Crain's]
• "Charm School" is a $1600 program that helps men who have trouble talking to ladies. It's kind of like the Pick-Up Artists in The Game, but for wusses. [Reuters]
• The art of gay cruising is not easily mastered. [Manhattan Offender]
• Speaking of Gays, Chelsea really is a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. It's just a pity politicians have to act like that's a bad thing. [Animal]
• It's somewhat inevitable that any conversation on bad subway etiquette will devolve into an anti-Chinese immigrant rant. [Gothamist (see comments)]
• A national women's magazine searches for a man to go on a blind date with a 29-year-old virgin. Who knew Jane was so cruel? [Craigslist]
• If publicist Stephen Huvane were representing a corporation rather than Jennifer Aniston, he'd be shot dead in the street. Actually, that could still happen. [Media Orchard]
• Of course the Post doesn't care about black people; the only exception is if the black person is a pimp and/or bouncer who murders a young white woman. [Blog NYC]
• The Stations of the Mel: Mel is condemned by the press. "Arrest me not," he telleth the centurion, "for I owneth Malibu. And thou lookest a bit Jewish unto me." [NYer]

Identity expert Benoit Denizet-Lewis showed up in Slate Friday to report on a disturbing new trend: white guys on the "Down Low." Denizet-Lewis, who first told the world that some black guys have sex with other black guys back in 2003, teases out the troubling implications of this blatant cultural appropriation: White guys are enjoying the "cool" of the DL without suffering the pain that goes with it. (Also, they're using it as an adjective, which is wrong on so many levels.) This is a difficult issue, dealing as it does with both race and sexuality, so we're hesitant to make light of it. We're just concerned that if this follows the same trajectory of other incidents where white folks have taken black concepts and adapted them to their own culture, we're going to lose our screaming queens to a new generation of masculine, closeted mos. And then who's going to play the sophisticated city girl's sassy best friend on all the sitcoms? Think about what you're doing, white folks.

Second Place: Getting ass-raped by a Production Assistant. At home.

AfterEllen.com offers up a survey of CosmoGirl! with somewhat surprising results:

• Yes, Virginia, there is a Suri — and she's been photographed by Annie Liebovitz for Vanity Fair. We'd no idea Graydon was in the celebrity baby trade. Who are we kidding? The Scientologists totally paid him off to run a spread with a stuntbaby. [Page Six]
• Paul McCartney changes the locks and calls the cops on estranged wife Heather Mills. He's also frozen their joint bank account and thinks land mines are awesome. [NYDN]
• Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey frolic in the rough waters off of Miami, their muscles taut and glistening. [TMZ]
• Now that Vaughniston is engaged, we can all learn that his "ring" is bigger than Brad's. [Us Weekly]
• Clothes shopping with Adrien Brody is like battling in the Coliseum. [R&M (last item)]
• Larry David and environmentalist wife Laurie drive a gas-guzzling BMW 530, presumably because the Prius doesn't come in a luxury model. [Page Six]
• Celebrities are just soooo in love and soooo adorable and soooo happy. Fuckers. [Lowdown]

• Deposed View co-wench Star Jones' condo is "off the market" for unspecified reasons. If we were to hazard a guess as to why the place didn't sell, it might have something to do with Star refusing to leave during showings, locking herself in her pantry with a hearty supply of Double Stuff Oreos. [TMZ]
• After a brief reunion, Paris Hilton and Starvos Niarchos have a fight via text message — despite being at the same place at the same time. [Scoop]
• House of Sand and Fog director Vadim Perelman was recently charged with groping two Connecticut women; turns out he has a history of mistreating ladies. In January, Perelman took a woman back to his home only to throw a chair at her head. To be fair, she hadn't been sucking him off, so she kind of deserved it. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton dates rich, British inbred. [Metro]
• Finally, someone understands what the people want: a 9/11 comedy! Alas, the idea came from Oliver Stone. [R&M]
• Did Peter Cook attempt to kill Christie Brinkley with carbon monoxide? [NYDN]
• Britney Spears feels like she's "been missing out on life...like, things!" It's an old video, but still very moving. [Superficial]
• Jennifer Lopez reportedly left the cast of Dallas after learning she'd be cast opposite John Travolta. She's a lot of things, but J.Lo is no man's beard, on-screen or off. [Page Six]

If one was less than stoked about Rosie O'Donnell September 5 debut on The View, maybe this will change your mind: cookies and juice! Hot to trot the path to marketing whoredom, O'Donnell is already fluffing sponsors left and right for giveaways and freebies. But the best part is the strange pairing of these two sentences, with no particular attempt to explain how one follows the other:

Lounge, Soho's multi-leveled, eurotrash horror show dedicated to only the best in expensive, purposely shredded clothing, is being sued by Andrew Boeppel, the store's former publicist, who claims that shopowner Jack Menashe used gay slurs. In February, Boeppel had organized a gay networking party (that's what they call them these days) at the Broadway store; allegedly Menashe was displeased with the homo presence and, using a gay slur, banished the queens to a "tiny cafe in the rear of the store."

Thursgay Styles, always staying true to form, has a heart-wrenching piece on homosexual men who continue to live in heterosexual marriages, and the pain of coming out to their wives and families. We're sure you've never heard of this phenomenon, but the woman who remain in these relationships are commonly referred to as "beards." As an educational tool, we're presenting you with our visual guide to Great Beards in History:

Stentorian English actor Ian McKellen — at left, with hobbit — is proudly gay as a heapin' bowl of Froot Loops, but that hasn't stopped him from being inducted into the Georgia state politico-military machine as an honorary "aide de camp" to the governor's staff. Various gay websites picked up this story from Rush & Molloy in the New York Daily News where McKellen recounts the honor bestowed upon him during press work for The Da Vinci Code (some sites misinterpreted this to mean that McKellen had been inducted into the Georgia National Guard). Trouble is, as the New York Blade reports, the Rush & Molloy item is itself a recycled McKellen quote actually given in 1997 during press for McKellen's movie Richard III.

• Yes, former N'Sync member Lance Bass — formerly known as the "one that wasn't Justin" — is out of the closet. Go and watch video footage of him being gay! [TMZ]
• After going into false labor, Britney Spears realizes she needs to "cut down on the Cheetos." She needed to go to the hospital for the tip-off? Wouldn't a mirror have sufficed? [Scoop]
• John Edwards sucks up to Russell Simmons for the African-American vote, accompanying him to his daily Jivamukti Yoga class. If there's one candidate we could tolerate in a downward dog, it would have to be Mr. Sunshine. [Lowdown]
• Tori Spelling won't even inherit a million dollars of her late father's $500 million estate. It's suspected that Tori's bitchtastic mother cut her out of her father's will, leaving poor Tori to survive on 90210 residuals and So NoTORIous peanuts. [Us Weekly]
• Christie Brinkley's philandering fourth husband Peter Cook once refused to give Alexa Joel, Brinkley's daughter with Billy Joel, a ride home at 11 PM. Cruel — god forbid she ride with her father at that hour. [Page Six]
• Madonna must shit only where no one has shit before: she requests a brand-new toilet seat, wrapped in plastic, at every venue where she performs. [R&M (last item)]
• B. Smith, "the black Martha Stewart" (is that an oxymoron?), is jockeying to replace Star Jones as the token woman of color on The View. [Page Six]

Super, Lance, we're happy for you. Wake us up when Timberlake starts talking about his Filipino dwarf fetish.