• Billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein — who, with Mort Zuckerman, helped fund the baby steps of Radar 2.0 — just wants to be happy. Thus he hired a certified prostisseuse to come over work the knots out of his back and give him a happy ending. Now he's been indicted for soliciting a hooker and is charged with a third-degree felony. No word on whether or not he ever got that handjob. [Page Six]
• In an impressive psychological twist, Colin Farrell's stalker Dessarae Bradford holds a press conference on the steps of the LA federal courthouse and accuses the actor of stalking her. Crazy bitch is good. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Christopher Hitchens writes for Maxim, tells youth of America to go bareback. [Page Six]
• Tara Reid is told by her agent that she's landed the lead in Senior Skip Day and, to ensure her career's revival, she'll be starring opposite Robert De Niro. Unfortunately, De Niro's people insist he's in no way involved in the project. As for Reid's agent: cruel, but hilarious. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Gay everywhere throw tantrums as Nic Cage signs on to play Liberace. The role's really too subtle for him. [TMZ]
• Pete Doherty schedules another five-minute stint in rehab. [E!]

• We really ARE overdue for a George Michael assfucking scandal, aren't we? Don't worry, it's about to get much better: the former pop star was caught having a "seedy liason" in a public park with the hot piece of twat pictured at right. 58-year-old unemployed van drivers who live with their cat sure are irresistible, aren't they? [Sun UK]
• Tomorrow Russell Simmons will be named a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador, putting him on the well-worn path to becoming Angelina Jolie. Perhaps he's splitting with Kimora over whether or not to adopt an Ethiopian AIDS orphan. [FishbowlNY]
• You know what's wrong with magazine publishing? The people who are running it, specifically those at the Magazine Publisher's Association who believe a mascot named Captain Read is going to do a goddamned thing other than inspire mockery and ensure irrelevancy. [AdAge]
• Though we wouldn't put it past Simon Dumenco to hook up with Cap'n Read. [AdAge]
• Conde Nast will master these internets yet, even if it means going the route of incredibly boring trade sites. [Craigslist]
• Is somene pushing a Times-ian frenzy surrounding the raising admission fee for the Met? At the current rate, they'll churn out 60 pieces by November, which will almost be enough to satisfy Bill Keller. [Seth Mnookin]
• It doesn't matter how fantastic a "trailer" for a book may be, because it'll never half as good as the trailer for Snakes on a Plane. That's just a fact. [Guardian]
• Greg Gutfeld's still life with Arianna Huffington. [HuffPo]
• Dallas Mavericks bloggy freakshow Mark Cuban has an open job offer for anyone who can think of a new way to market movies. On the downside, you'll be working for Mark Cuban. [Blog Maverick]
• Who Wore It Best? — crotchety Sun Valley mogul edition! [WSJ]
• Why does the Regal Union Square movie theater smell like Chinatown on a simmering July afternoon? [Cinecultist]

Both the Sun and the Times have acknowledged that uniballed cycling champ Lance Armstrong opened his hosting gig at ESPN's ESPY awards with an anal sex joke directed at Jake Gyllenhaal, but neither paper seems willing to clarify any further. Apparently it's okay for the press to acknowledge the presence of buttfucking humor, but not to actually entertain readers with the buttfucking humor itself. So we'll share the joke with you — if nothing else, Gawker will always support anything involving Gyllenhaal and anal.

• The Water Taxi comes to Williamsburg, bringing with it a level of comfort for Wall Streeters and a newfound terror for the hipsters who've fought so hard to delay the inevitable. [NYS]
• Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. Honeymoon videotape of their threesome with the dude from Creed obviously TK. [Us Weekly]
• Gene Simmons drools on a celebrity weekly reporter, publicist fails to apologize, world keeps on turning (barely). [M2tv]
• Your guide to the great Author Portraits of our time. Joan Didion, you will always rule. [Jane]
• More Fabian Basabe than anyone should ever be forced to endure. [JuliaAllison]
• That whole mess with Israel and Hezbollah? Ain't nothing but a gizmo. [Jew School]
• Vote for the hottest gay journalist: what wouldn't we give to see the Coop and Daily Newser Chris Rovzar mud-wrestle for the tiara. [Left Behinds]
• Cranky Media Guy Simon Dumenco can go on and on about what's wrong with America's Got Talent — but if that's how he wants to deal with his disturbingly hot David Hasselhoff fantasies, then so be it. [AdAge]
• How sad is D.C.? So sad that residents will try to raise $20K just to get K-Fed to come by and liven things up a bit. [Circomlocuter]
• The life cycle of the Party Girl, as told by Kristen Cavalleri, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Pam Anderson, Janice Dickinson, and Keith Richards. [BWE]

• Katie Couric's inevitable reign of evening news terror will not be limited to the television; CBS will be broadcasting on the radio and web, as well. You can't hide; her legs are gonna be spread all over the place. [NYT]
• Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are splitting. That makes it official: reality television destroys your marriage and ensures that no one will give a shit when it happens. [Star]
• As a sex writer, you get to write about dildos and butt plugs. Plus, you get to keep whatever you try. Like swag, but with orgasms. [Craigslist]
• With the world rapidly approaching some sort of nuclear apocalypse, you can't help but miss Monica Lewinsky. [HuffPo Contagious Fest]
• Just because your mom was one of Union Square's most loyal drunkards doesn't mean you can't go to MIT. Hell, with a life story like that, you're guaranteed a winning application essay. [NYS]
• Remember Richard Nouveau and the nonexistant J-Date hoax wherein he claimed to have duped several girls into meeting him at Fat Baby? Well, the prank was a fake, but the guy and his publication, Pocket Change, are annoyingly real. [NYP]
• We swear to God, we did not post this on Craigslist. We'd only use BigMuscle. [Craigslist]
• Has Clay Aiken found a new man? And if so, did he find him in a Mystic Tan booth? [Faded Youth]
• ConEd swears they're able to handle the heat wave, lest we all spend our days swimming in ass soup. Which is still a distinct possibility. [NYB]
• Jann's looking for a new bitch. Matt Nye is just tired, ya know? [Mediabistro]

Oprah Winfrey has never once accidentally brushed against her friend Gayle King and suddenly longed to feel the forbidden embrace of sweet Sapphic love, not even that night they both had a few too many saketinis at Japonais and got caught in the thunderstorm and had to go back to Oprah's and change out of their wet clothes and Gayle asked her would she no to say no my mountain flower and first she put her arms around her no and drew her down to her so she could feel her breasts all perfume no and her heart was going like mad and no she said no she won't no.

Right now, in an undisclosed location that simply must be somewhere in Chelsea, Joan Rivers has assembled a legion of desperate queens asked to audition for her Bravo talk show Can We Dish?. The show is apparently just like The View — but the sassy ladies will be replaced with sassy Gays. From what we hear, the show's producers have taken to the streets to look for talent, having called upon just about every gentleman that they could think of, right down to Derek Blasberg and Chris Rovzar. Joan herself will obviously be playing the part of Barbara Walters, but we can already cast the rest:

• Everyone's favorite gay escort-cum-White House reporter Jeff Gannon/James Guckert will be speaking this Thursday at the 3 West Club for the Log Cabin Republicans' monthly meeting. Hopefully, it'll be just like a Learning Annex session: how to transform your internet hobby into a viable prostitution endeavor. [Productshop NYC]
• Misguided farter Larry King tries to set up Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper. [Malcontent]
• MyTimes, the Times do-it-yourself homepage service, launches in Beta tonight for some 5,000 users. Some homeless person gave us his login info, and OMG IT IS SO TOTALLY NOT EXCITING. More on that tomorrow. [E&P]
• Shamu is more popular than Star Jones — while they may be of equal stature, one knows how to keep its mouth shut. [Eat the Press]
• New regime at Vibe results in twenty fired staffers. Bodies strewn across a dead-end street... [AdAge]
• Journalist Neil Strauss continues to pimp his pimping skills, drifts further from anything ever resembling a writing career. [iFilm]
• Suri Cruise looks increasingly fake; c'mon, you care! [TMZ]
• French soccer football captain Zinedine Zidane ended his career by headbutting an Italian player's chest during Sunday's World Cup final, and he might have the right idea: Rick Santorum certainly deserves a headbutt or seven. [HuffPo]
• Self-promoting memoirist Toby Young knows you're going to say his second book sucks. [Mediabistro]
• Precocious fabulist Kaavya Viswanathan's archived blog. [Kahini12]
• Anti-abortion blogger gets worked up over "Caroline Webber," a columnist who writes positively about her abortion and is thus branded a murderer. Nevermind the fact that the offensive, murderous column ran in The Onion. While we feign tolerance and respect of all points of view, those pro-life people sure are fucking stupid. [March Together for Life]

Oh, those gays. Even when they protest they can't help but tidy up.

New York's top court still hates those fags: sadly, in a 4 to 2 ruling, they've decided that same-sex couples have no constitutional right to marry. The court also ruled unanimously that the state legislature is constitutionally permitted to continue operating under the delusion that they are living in fifties-era Texas.

The Gay Pride parade came and went on Sunday with the usual fanfare and excitement afforded by wet rainbows, soggy Metrobears, and disappointing poppers. At the post-parade gathering at the pier, however, blogger Scott Anthony claims to have witnessed quite the buzzkill:

• More confirmation on yesterday's rumor that Star Jones is on her way out at The View — she's got no new gigs lined up (shock), producers had been looking to give her the boot since the wedding freebies fiasco last fall (double shock), but Barbara Walters kept Jones around out of pity (unfuckingbelievable). The arrival of Rosie O'Donnell, however, sealed the deal, and Jones is off like an plus-sized prom dress. [Fox411]
• And set your DVRs: Star's big farewell is allegedly on Friday. Actually, she announced it this morning. Alas, we were watching hot Brazilian men kick Ghana's ass. [Lowdown]
• Lohan's recent week in NYC was so hardcore — fights with Paris, late nights at Bungalow, tears and glasses thrown at promoters — that not even her stylist, Nate Newell, could handle it. After being flown out to keep Lohan company, he begged friends to get him home after the constant drama. Good riddance to him, too. Rachel Zoe would never pussy out like that. [Page Six]
• You won't see pictures of baby Suri because no one will pay for them. [IMDb]
• Elton John and hubby David Furnish are kicked out of Pharrell Williams' party in Milan by a security guard looking to bring in more women. If only he'd realized the lady-gems that had been sitting right before him. [R&M]
• Megapublicist Dan Klores tries his hand as a playwright. From one sort of fiction to another, we suppose. [Page Six]
• John Cusack seeks a restraining order against a stalker named Emily Leatherman. The surname really should have tipped everyone off. [TMZ]

• Jesus lives and saves us all: Star Jones is reportedly announcing her departure from The View, preferring instead to continue her rapid shrinking in the privacy of her own home. If we're lucky, her on-air farewell will be the exact opposite of Katie Couric's: hilarious and laced with blood. [Access Hollywood]
• Producer Dallas Austin has now been in a Dubai prison for one month for trying to bring drugs into the country for Naomi Campbell's birthday party; Campbell has yet to forgive him for ruining her big day. [MTV]
• A sneak peek at a former Playboy Bunny's tell-all, plus her requisite cleavage. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Best Week Ever comedian Sherrod Small slams the John Mayer report, insists that the musician's use of the n-word was funny. [BWE]
• Extremely loud and incredibly derivative. [The Velvet Blog]
• One block of 103rd Street is renamed Humphrey Bogart Place in honor of the actor's childhood home. Not that it makes the locale any more appealing. [Cinematical]
• Unintentional hilarity: Laura Ingraham as the next Jon Stewart? It's a pilot we'd gleefully kill to get our hands on. [TV Newser]
• Overheard in NY gets its own stalker map. [Overplot]
• Kudos to the generous Daily News editors who allowed Ben Widdicombe to out both Anderson Cooper and Shep Smith in one fell swoop. [Gatecrasher]
• Hipster Swiss Army knives, crafted especially for Bedford Avenue stabbings. [Consumerist]
• Does Us Weekly have a problem with Britney Spears? Is People coddling her? And at what point will we all collectively agree to just look the fuck away? [Media Orchard]

Most card-carrying fags and their hags celebrated Gay Pride weekend by flailing about 5th Avenue, but Liza Minnelli had other plans: her rainy Saturday was spent at lesbian watering hole Rubyfruit, where she crowned winners at the Pet Pride beauty pageant. If anyone deserves to reign over a butch/femme pet fashion showdown, it's undoubtedly the Queen of Queens.

• These are Nicole Kidman's last moments as a single woman — she and Keith Urban will marry tomorrow in Sydney. Should things go by the wayside, Urban will get just $600K for every year of their marriage and not a single penny if he goes back to blowing rails. [Page Six]
• Speaking of powdering one's nose, producer Dallas Austin is currently in a Dubai prison for trying to smuggle drugs into the country. The occasion? Naomi Campbell's birthday party, of course. And she was pissed when he didn't make it. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Being famous is hard for Anderson Cooper — people offer him free stuff and know his name and ride in his car and want to be his friend. Poor Anderson. (Jesus, listen to us: are we headed towards a backlash? No, no. Just a rough spot, that's all.) [Lowdown]
• A paparazzo sketching around Maddox Jolie's daycare center is arrested for trespassing, though he didn't jump any fences or set foot on the center's grounds. He was just innocently, legally stalking. [TMZ]
• Drag queen Kevin Aviance, whose jaw was wired shut after he was beaten in a hate crime, will have his mouth set free for one day so that he can perform for Sunday's gay pride parade. Let's hope he sings his hit song "Cunty," if only so we can see how the Times covers it. [Page Six]
• American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee will not let you forget about her, even if that means she has to pull the bulimia card. [People]
• Just in time for the premiere of Superman Returns, Kate Bosworth nears death. [Popsugar]
• Finally, thank God, the Coreys reunite — we're praying for License to Drive 2. They owe it to us, really. [E!]

We just want make sure you know that our beloved Coopie will be Jon Stewart's guest on The Daily Show tonight. This is, in itself, not terribly newsworthy, as Anderson has long been willing to appear on just about any talk show or magazine cover that will have him, and that habit has become even more pronounced now that he has a book to promote.

In fairness to the daycare center, they only got freaked out when Andrew Sullivan couldn't provide a good reason for his visit.

• Try and follow: At an impromptu Prince performance at Butter, Lindsay Lohan follows her mortal enemy Paris Hilton into the bathroom. They have a big fight, because bathroom activities make you edgy and angry. Lohan returns to the main room to find Diddy sitting at her table, and jokingly asks what he's doing there. Diddy doesn't see the humor and yells at her to get out. There's a scuffle with his bodyguards, and Lohan is removed from the table. Later, at Bungalow 8, Lohan and Hilton sit at separate tables and compete to see who can stay at the club the longest. This item has been brought to you by D.A.R.E. [R&M]
• After having Cristal removed from his 40/40 clubs, Jay-Z continues his revenge on the champagne company, whose executives don't exactly love the hip-hop community's loyalty to the brand. At his performance on Sunday, Jigga will change the lyrics in his many songs that mention Cristal. Keep an eye out for creative pronunciations of "pistol." [Page Six]
• Incoming Today show host Meredith Vieira deems Dan Rather's ill-executed exit from CBS as "tacky." She's talking to you, Katie. [Lowdown]
• 75-year-old Robert Evans tallies up his seventh divorce. If he can stay alive long enough, maybe the eight marriage will be the charm. [MSNBC]
• Nicole Kidman may move to Keith Urban's rural Tennessee home, where she'll be free to get pregnant without fear of divorce. [Fox411]
• Because in the end, gay means quality, Superman gets decent reviews. [IMDb]

• Wait, so Britney Spears did her own hair and makeup for last week's Dateline video? Oh, good. We were afraid she actually paid someone to paint her face like an inverted raccoon. [Page Six]
• And, moreover, Brit won't be giving birth in Namibia. She'd rather go somewhere more original, like Angola. [AP]
• Brangelina wants to adopt another fucking kid. [People]
• Former Green Beret John Paulus apologizes to Clay Aiken for selling him out to the National Enquirer. Paulus didn't mean to profit off of their special man-love, and he hopes for forgiveness. No comment from Aiken, who's too busy giving himself another god-awful hairstyle. [Scoop]
• David Hans Schmit, the man who's been auctioning off Paris Hilton's personal diaries and photos after she failed to pay the bill for her storage locker, shows up to Macy's on Friday for Hilton's fragrance launch. She still gave him an autograph. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Blind item guessing game: drugs, infidelity, a break-up. Just another Hollywood marriage. [Gatecrasher (last item)]
• Ted Kennedy drinks just enough to baby-talk to his Portuguese water dogs without scaring any children present. [Lowdown]

• People mag has a major opportunity for you, cash-throwing advertiser — placement of your ad space near Shiloh. Dodge takes the bait. Is there anything that baby can't sell? [LeftLane]
• Without Pete Doherty, would the British press simply cease to exist? Every single day, the crackhead inspires a new, stupid story. Today, he's found Jesus. Tomorrow, he'll have found another rusty syringe. [FF]
• Just another reason to loathe Bill O'Reilly, courtesy of his 10-room Manhasset estate. [Cryptome]
• A Suicide Girl attempts to spend 7 days straight in the Fifth Avenue Apple Store (open 24 hours). If David Blaine had any thunder, this might steal some of it. [SuicideGirls]
• It's kind of sad when construction workers would rather read the WSJ than ogle your ass. [Things That Make You Go Hmmm]
• Marc Jacobs dumps his boyfriend; not even the twink's Marc Jacobs tattoo could lube the relationship. [Towleroad]
• Way up at 158th Street rests Safety City, "a special place to how to cross streets, drive bicycles, and ride in cars safely." [Amish in the City]
• An extra to-do for you tonight: John Mayer will be testing his skills at the Comedy Cellar at 11 PM. His comedy skills, that is. Panty-throwing still appropriate. [BWE]
• Eva Longoria is determined to prove that she can be just as annoying through the written word, thus her forthcoming erotic novel, to be ghostwritten by the editors of Maxim. [BookStandard]
• In their defense, only porn is going to distract Katrina victims from their problems. [CNN]
• From the creators of the Greg Gutfeld Show comes Keira Knightley's Jaw, a blog documenting exactly that. Better than Keira Knightley's Pout, which just makes you want to punch things. [Keira Knightley's Jaw]