Researchers have found a gene that can predict how much emotional ups and downs may affect someone's marriage. The gene is called "[Joke]."

The genetics testing company 23andme was recently awarded a patent it applied for five years ago. According to PandoDaily, the patent covers a "calculator" that lets "people to pick and choose traits of their future child." Anne Wojcicki, the CEO of 23andme and wife of Google founder Sergey Brin, is listed as the lead inventor.

Justice Antonin Scalia agrees with his fellow Supreme Court justices that naturally occurring genes can't be patented. Where he appears to differ: The existence of genes, the basic science of genetics, molecular biology, and evolution. He just dissented from all of the above.

Scientists have discovered the genetic trait that results in white tigers, something originally only explained by Just So Stories logic. The trait, which caused their fur to have white accents rather than orange ones, was long known to be a recessive trait. New research has isolated a change in a specific part of one gene that causes this mutation. Humans can have the same trait, as can some mice, horses, and fish.

Tomatoes, the disarmingly jolly cousins of the nightshade family, finally yielded the last of their secrets to us today, as scientists announced they had successfully decoded the tomato genome — marking the end of a nine-year undertaking.

Bicycle handlebar ribbon Zooey Deschanel looks like her mother.

Some call Ötzi the Iceman the world's first murder victim. While we are no closer today to bringing his killer to justice, scientists can confirm that Ötzi had brown eyes.

On the eve of Florida's bestiality ban, let's catch up with zoophilic memoirist Malcolm Brenner, whose book Wet Goddess describes a nine-month sexual relationship with a theme park dolphin in Sarasota. After two weeks living in the eye of a bestiality news storm, Brenner lost his job as a photographer and endured harassment. But he's also had sucess: Orders for his book are pouring in faster than he can fill them. He is in touch with an editor at a "large New York publishing house," and has told his story to audiences as far away as India.

Instead of creating cuddly animals that people might actually want (mini-giraffes for the home, hamsters large enough to put on a leash and take for walks), some Harvard University scientists are mixing up chicken DNA to make "embryos with alligator-like snouts instead of beaks." Great!

Scientists—like, actual scientists, with real degrees and a belief in the scientific method—agree that people do not choose their sexual orientation. Someone should tell Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty! Because he seems to think that "the science in that regard is in dispute."

Human penises, much to the relief of most humans, lack the "barb-like structures found in many mammals" known as penile spines. For many of us, knowing that we will never encounter a barbed penis is enough; for scientists, who are the guy at the party saying, "I mean, sure, it's a nice present, but have you checked out its teeth?" the human penis's curious lack of spines is a question to be asked, and answered, and told to everyone.

A Japanese scientist says he can clone a real, actual woolly mammoth sometime within the next "four or five years." Did they not ever release Jurassic Park in Japan, or what?

Do you have a lot of one-night stands? Affairs? Well, I bet your mom does too. No, really! I bet she does, because scientists say they've found a gene that's linked to promiscuity and uncommitted sex.

Scientists mapped notoriously drug-addled rocker Ozzy Osbourne's DNA and found genetic mutations they've "never seen before." Most of them are related to his tolerance for drugs and alcohol. There is still no scientific explanation for how he tolerates wife Sharon.

Good news for mutants everywhere: The genetically-modified AquAdvantage® salmon has cleared a major hurdle in its slow migration toward the inside of Americans' stomachs. The FDA says that the AquAdvantage® salmon "is as safe as food from conventional Atlantic salmon."

Hey, America: Time to get excited! Why? Because a year and a half from now you could be eating the very first genetically-modified animal approved for public consumption: The AquAdvantage® salmon! Assuming it passes the approval process, which began Wednesday.

Look at what hippie school Berkeley is doing now: getting DNA samples from incoming freshmen. Uh oh, has Berkeley finally turned into a totalitarian nightmare, just as its SDS chapter long suspected? No, of course there is a hippie justification.

That sperm bank that allows its clients to search for donors based on how much they resemble various celebrities is setting up shop in NYC. The California-based company says it will be "fully operational within two months at a Park Ave. space." It also says it will be looking for new donors, so if you're male, reasonably healthy, and bear a passing resemblance to anyone famous who has ever lived, you probably qualify. If the NYC location is anything like the one in LA, the standards won't be all that high. In addition to Ian Ziering, Corey Haim and Lou Ferrigno, the sperm bank says it has a Jon Gosselin lookalike, too. [NYDN, previously]

A sperm bank in California is now allowing clients to choose an anonymous donor based on how much he resembles a particular celebrity. Want to be impregnated by a man who may (or may not!) look like Ben Affleck, currently the most searched-for celeb at the clinic? You now have that option! But don't expect any guarantees. Explains an employee of the sperm bank: "The goal was not to say you can have a baby that looks like Bob Saget," Brown said. "The goal was to say this donor happens to resemble this celebrity." Bob Sagat? Now that donor is going to be a busy man. [CNN]

Sure, you knew Anderson Cooper was the adorable unicorn of TV news anchors, but did you know he is so incredibly magical he can roll his tongue into a "really complicated four-leaf clover?" He can! Tongue-rolling is a genetic trait, but one can't help wonder if Cooper has had some practice. He apparently shows his skills only to certain, uh, special friends, like fellow closeted media personality Barry Diller, who, no joke, compared tongue technique with Cooper at a special retreat in Idaho. Some Google people were there, and the next thing you know, the tonguing had resulted in a big genetic-testing soiree in New York! Here's what Ivanka Trump and Rupert Murdoch said about their DNA at the party: