This week's episode of cartoon iconoclast South Park, in which Indiana Jones was raped repeatedly by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (see clip), is causing quite a commotion! The showrunners were, you know, just trying to voice their dissatisfaction with this summer's kinda crappy Indiana Jones fourquel, Kingdom of the — Wait What the Hell Is Shia LaBeouf Doing?, but people are wondering: did they go too far? Oh, and, ruh roh, it looks like the Indiana folks weren't given any warning. Nikki Finke heard that the folks at Paramount didn't know that Comedy Central, which is also owned by Viacom, would be harshly and extremely criticizing their precious little summer cashcow. Will heads roll? No, probably not. It's allllll just publicity and stuff. Though anything that Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the boys behind South Park) can do to stop the supposedly in-the-works Indy 5 from happening, I'd appreciate it thanks.

We knew George Lucas had a taste for franchise-rape, but our relatively proscribed imaginations prevented us from conjuring the horror of Lucas and accomplice Steven Spielberg forcibly tag-teaming Indiana Jones not once, not twice, but three times in 30 minutes. But that's what South Park is for, we guess, where the mandate to get tanked on Crystal Head Vodka™ and crossbreed cinema's most notorious rape scenes with Indy's own violation was thriving nicely in last night's episode. We've culled one-third of the NSFW nightmare for your viewing pleasure after the jump; expect the filmmakers' "He was asking for it" defense to arrive here later in the day. [Comedy Central]

It would be too easy to say that Harrison Ford hit the Crystal Head Vodka a little hard before today's interview at the LA Times; how else to explain his eagerness to jump aboard Indiana Jones 5 so soon after the franchise's fourth installment? He's 66! George Lucas can't settle on a script! And Shia still has months of recovery ahead for his pinkie and balls. All signs but the dollar say "stop," but that's all the actor apparently needed to wax fantastic about the potential pouring forth everywhere from the box office to cereal aisles:

In fairness, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull doesn't have much going for it in terms of viral marketing potential; it's not as though Ow Shia's Balls brand jockstraps or My First Carnivore Ant Farm sets were on backorder when the film opened last May. But one savvy (if completely incongruous) cross-promotion has indeed sold out in advance of Indy 4's DVD release Oct. 14: Crystal Head Vodka, pimped by unassuming pitchman and Indy franchise alum Dan Aykroyd on a Web site making the rounds today. Despite the overall conceptual stupidity that uncannily mirrors the film it intends to sell, the set-up nevertheless extends all the way to a popular liquor site that turns you away when adding Crystal Head to your cart. So relax, parents! It's safe for your kids — or at least safer than Scooby-Doo's disastrous Rummy Rum Rum!™ tie-in from a few years back. Matthew Lillard still hasn't recovered from that one. [Crystal Head Vodka]

· Jack Black will soon reunite with the writers of Kung Fu Panda, teaming up on an untitled comedy about a man who wakes up sans memory on Cuban shores only to deduce he's a superspy. Yuks, partial nudity and Bourne-franchise comparisons ensue. [THR] · If you are the least bit sleepy, we recommend skipping to the jump. Ready? OK: SAG is expected today to approve a measure requesting a strike vote, most likely sometime after the new board is seated later this month. We warned you, didn't we? Wake up! [THR] After the jump: Mamma Mia! conquers yet another country, George Lucas goes director shopping, and Michael Sheen goes to Wonderland.· After months of controversy over how George Lucas might integrate a jive-talking Hutt sibling into Red Tails, his film about the Tuskegee Airmen, the world sighed with relief as the producer handed off the directing reins to the more modest ex-Wire and CSI helmer Anthony Hemingway. [THR] · Psst! Hey buddy — wanna buy a lion? Or, like, part of a lion? [Variety] · In its fourth week of release in Korea, Mamma Mia! dispatched a native hit to overtake the top box-office spot, nudging its ABBA Global Conquest™ war chest over $450 million to date. [Variety] · Biopic veteran Michael Sheen is joining the casts of both the Samuel L. Jackson thriller Unthinkable and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, prompting observers around Hollywood to wonder what tony British cultural figure might be hastily written in to do acid with Johnny Depp. [Variety]

Though George Lucas has dashed the hopes of a scant few Indiana Jones fanboys already camping out in line for Mutt Williams and the Search For Elvis, series add-on Shia LaBeouf is man enough to take the bad news on the chin (if not on the reconstructed pinkie). In fact, while promoting his new film Eagle Eye to MTV News, he took time out to defend his much-derided Indy 4 vine swinging, blaming the "changed viewer" for negative reaction to a hallowed film franchise that, somehow, LaBeouf compares to 80's sex comedy Porky's.Might "nuking the fridge" have been more palatable if it were followed by a scene where Indy, Mutt, and Ray Winstone spy on Cate Blanchett through a peephole in the high school locker room? Or are we subtly being prepared for an Indy 5 involving the mythical Quest for Teenage Tail?

While we have to say were taken slightly aback by the addition of limp-flippered velvet-slug mafioso Capote the Hutt to the Star Wars character universe, we were even more surprised to learn from a Defamer operative that the Lucas brand—Synonymous with Quality Intergalactic Family Entertainment Since 1977™—harbors other...how should we put this diplomatically...C3POic tendencies? They write:

We thought all discussion of The Clone Wars ended yesterday with the discovery that if Harry Knowles hates it — enough even for George Lucas Warner Bros. to swoop in and kill his embargo-shattering review — it must be some kind of radioactively awful. But new revelations have surfaced this afternoon about Ziro the Hutt, the fringe character whom Knowles described as sounding like "a racist take on a Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore." Not quite, Harry — not even close, in fact, according to an interview published today at MTV Movies:

An Imperial Scout Trooper placed a quick phone call to shore up his ride situation before an advance screening of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. In a muffled tone, the scout explained that people have a difficult time understanding what he's talking about a majority of the time. The scout said, "My outfit doesn't have any pockets for my phone; if it did, I would just text message my ride the details back and forth. When I'm in character, it's just too hard to break the illusion." Before going back into the line, the scout trooper realized it was actually pretty fortunate that he was wearing a helmet and gloves while using the pay phone. As he explained to the Wookie who held his place in line, "You never know what kind of germs live on those things, anyway."

We never thought it could happen, but the fanboy bloom may officially — and dramatically — be off the Star Wars franchise after 30 loving years of devotion: Ain't it Cool News boss Harry Knowles has written a scathing review of the franchise's new, animated The Clone Wars. And we mean scathing — vicious enough to not only shake our faith in geek compliance to its very foundation, but also rouse George Lucas from his afternoon cash-bath with a cease-and-desist order straight from the top.

First Shia LaBeouf broke his hand, now George Lucas breaks his heart: Speaking exclusively to MTV News, Lucas elaborated on the promised Indiana Jones 5, assuring disgruntled Indy fans that the sequel wouldn't center on LaBeouf's character, Mutt. “Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be ‘Mutt Williams and the Search for Elvis’ or something.” Lucas then paused, later calling David Koepp to pitch him an ending where Graceland rises spinning from the ground, blasting into outer space to return Mutt to his home planet. [MTV Movies Blog]

After the unfortunate reception for The Love Guru, it's just too easy to write off New Line's prospective Austin Powers revival (which Mike Myers is reportedly working on for New Line with former series collaborator Mike McCullers) as yet another ill-advised folly belching the black smoke of Myers's career. In fact, taken as merely a part of the larger phenomenon we at Defamer like to call The End of Ideas, the Powers franchise is but a speck of the shit on Hollywood's collective bathroom wall — a tableau diligently studied today by the haz-mat crew at Entertainment Weekly.

Freeze, Motherfucker: Sometimes Defamer just has to take a stand, as we hope our recent efforts on behalf of Victims of George Lucas reflects. And such crusades are always made easier by the knowledge we're not alone. For instance, take the kindred spirit who enacted the fantasy of beleaguered Star Wars and Indiana Jones fans everywhere with this model of Lucas encased in carbonite — a riff on Han Solo's mode of transport following his enemy capture in The Empire Strikes Back. We can probably conjure lesser penalties for Lucas, but click the image for a more detailed rendering of the short-term fix that suits us just fine. [/Film]

Look, just because we want to see the guy locked up for crimes against our (and most others') childhoods doesn't mean we despise George Lucas. We're getting there, of course, but there's no denying that beneath that wavy tuft of white hair and sprawling wattle is a thoughtful, brilliant, self-made billionaire whose accomplishments as a single father aren't far behind those of the Star Wars franchise he clearly so yearns to destroy. Which is why a revealing London Times profile of Lucas has us so torn today. Yes, we can accept Lucas's preoccupation with raising a female cagefighter by himself as a likely contributor to Howard the Duck's downfall. Fine. But, no — no, no, no — we cannot believe he actually thinks Indiana Jones 5 is an idea worth squabbling over with anyone, let alone Steven Spielberg:Really, though, [Indiana Jones 4] was a challenge getting the story together and getting everybody to agree on it. Indiana Jones only becomes complicated when you have another two people saying ‘I want it this way’ and ‘I want it that way’, whereas, when I first did Jones, I just said, ‘We’ll do it this way’ — and that was much easier. But now I have to accommodate everybody, because they are all big, successful guys, too, so it’s a little hard on a practical level. “If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension. This recent one came out of that. It’s kind of a hybrid of our own two ideas, so we’ll see where we are able to take the next one.” Wow. Just as we think that's a thinly veiled acknowledgment of the film's inarguable awfulness, we know it portends a billionaire battle royale between Spielberg's hoary throwbacks and Lucas's planned '70s-era LeBeouf showcase Indiana Jones and the Doomed Left At LaBrea. With another trillion at stake (give or take; according to the still-active Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Ticker™), here's hoping for an inevitable resolution we can all tolerate through nubby, ground teeth.

WHEREAS, the Star Wars franchise comprises six films about the legend of Anakin Skywalker, his son Luke, a bunch of puppets and their exploits with the Force, and WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, andWHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional, WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit, NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER: 1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and 2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and 3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison. RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008. SIGNED, DEFAMER [Photo: Getty Images]

A Strom Trooper for the Galactic Empire snuck away from a mission on the planet of Tatooine to a county fair on a nearby planet. The trooper felt his search for a couple of droids was becoming pointless and decided to play a little hooky instead. The trooper added, "It's like what that Ferris Bueller guy said, 'Life goes by pretty fast.' So what's the point of looking for a couple of droids when there's this super sweet slide and all of these other rides." The trooper used his Empire discount to get unlimited ride tickets. Before getting on the Tilt-A-Whirl, the Trooper said, "Those droids will be there tomorrow, but how often do you get to ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl?"

Nerds may be polishing up their plastic light sabers and dusting off their Darth Vader helmets in anticipation of the new, animated Star Wars movie The Clone Wars, set to open in August. But you know who's not awaiting the movie? Pepsi, Kellogg's, and and Burger King, traditional Star Wars sponsors! Why not? "A spokeswoman for Pepsi, meanwhile, was unaware that a new 'Star Wars' movie was being released." Ha, this flick has BIG BUZZ going for it. Luckily for nerds, McDonald's and Toys "R" Us have stepped in to fill the void with all types of action figures fit for stockpiling by grown men. But it's never a good sign when key parts of corporate America don't even know your movie exists. Prediction: a big, animated suckfest. Still, fans are planning to line up at Toys "R" Us just for the release of the toys. Let's hope that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog makes it out to that one:

Pixar, the computer animation company and digital film studio, was undervalued by everyone in Hollywood, from George Lucas who formed the original team at Skywalker Ranch to Michael Eisner and Jeffrey Katzenberg at Disney. Steve Jobs, however, understood the potential for the company — and how to milk it for every penny. After buying the company for a mere $5 million, after Katzenberg balked on a $15 million price tag, Jobs hovered over the company like an "ominous cloud," according to Michael Hirschorn's review of David Price's new book detailing the company's history. At one point, Jobs squeezed more stock out the company so that the company could stay afloat — shortly before production on breakout hit Toy Story started production. "I’m sitting around here trying to make Steve Jobs richer in ways he doesn’t even appreciate," one employee quips. (Photo by AP/Eric Risberg)

Something about a Friday afternoon with temperatures in the mid-90s has effectively turned our brains to hot fudge sauce, so what better frozen delight to ladle that over than the mindless fun going down at starwarscrawl.com. By now, the familiar, receding pyramid of text and score are second nature to you, so go ahead and fill in the necessary fields, and astonish your friends (and us—but that's redundant!) with your creativity. We've already experienced the surprising (Rick Roll: A New Hope) and—after the jump—a bold, minimalist take that dispenses with all the boring intergalactic-trade-tariff details that bogged down the prequels. Now what are you waiting for: crawl away!

For his next trick, franchise-despoiling superproducer George Lucas has opted to abandon his long-delayed follow-up to Howard the Duck—having deemed the character not "sacred enough to really warrant a full-on sequel violation"—and instead has turned to the inspirational true story of the Tuskegee Airmen, the first African-American combat squadron to fight in World War II: