Rigidly visaged Fox News television presenter Greta Van Susteren has already established herself as the least journalistic "journalist" in all of this great land, due to her complete mystification as to the very concept of journalism. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact that she is close personal friends with newsworthy figures, yet continues to pretend that she is "covering" them as a "journalist," rather than "performing metaphorical fellatio upon them" like a "fanboy." Whether you think this is convenient or inconvenient is closely correlated with whether or not you think Fox News is a "good" news network.

After weathering a litany of nuptial humiliations, unbelievably pathetic disposable husband Kris Humphries is taking action against 72-day wife Kim Kardashian: TMZ reports that Kris is countering Kim's divorce papers with his own request for annulment "on the grounds that Kim defrauded him."

Don't listen when they tell you Congress can't get anything done: It has finally lifted the five-year ban on slaughtering horses for human consumption in the U.S., creating literally dozens of jobs for people who want to slaughter horses and unshackling the horsemeat-for-human-consumption industry from the heel of government oppression that has kept it down for so long. Let freedom reign.

Daniel Craig ridicules Kourtney Kardashian's placenta. Kellan Lutz gives himself a "Hitler Youth" hairdo. Ali Lohan wonders whether Dina will let her get plastic surgery. Ashton Kutcher hangs out with a cow. Wednesday gossip is full of hate.

Remember how Wyclef Jean promised to clean up his sham charity last year after it started raising $1 million a day in the wake of the earthquake in Haiti? Guess what.

Justin Combs, heir to Sean "Just Call Me Puffy" Combs' hip-hop, clothing, vodka, and Cheeze Doodle empire (he owns "Puffy Cheeze Doodles," right?) is going to UCLA and is not going to pay one red cent.

Back in the summer of 2008, as the financial system teetered on the edge of collapse, no one knew what would happen to the debt-laden mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac—would they be allowed to go under, or would the government come to their rescue? What would become of the shareholders? Trillions rested on the answers to those questions. Oh wait, someone did know. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. And he told his hedge fund pals and former Goldman Sachs colleagues. He just didn't tell you. Because, really—who the fuck are you?

After three years of dating a real, live celebrity Adam Shulman puts a ring on it. Hugh Jackman's wife complains about his gay rumors. Demi Moore "steps out" with a man. Kim Kardashian gives up on "fairy tale" love. Tuesday gossip is something blue.

The tech bubble is burst, but Facebook is moving to quickly revive it: The social network is planning to go public as soon as April at a valuation of more than $100 billion.

Today we learned that Pippa Middleton is a downright hussy! Alright, maybe not a hussy per se, but she was seen out and about at the same event with two strapping young lads. But like her sister, Pippa will only git wit the bluest of the blue bloods. One commenter knows just how posh and aristorcrat-y a Middleton suitor ought be.

Former Real Housewife of New York and alcoholic diet potion impresario Bethenny Frankel won't be on TV. Well, she won't be on any more TVs. OK, she still has her Bravo show, but no one wants her on any more. Her talk show got the axe before it could even get started.

Earlier this month, a rotten tooth yanked from John Lennon's head sold for $31,200 at auction. Now, an even more boring piece of Lennonalia is on the auction block: a to-do list written in black ink on a yellow legal pad.

Kansas high school student Emma Sullivan, the teen who tweeted that Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback, a known dork, #blowsalot and proceeded to get in trouble with his social media monitors, will not be writing any apology letters to the governor. Instead, he's written one to her! This is a power play for the ages.

British child phenom Charlotte Church—the little girl with "the voice of an angel"—graced Rupert Murdoch's 1999 wedding to Wendi Deng with a song. How sweet! He got her to do it for free by promising not to savage her with his newspapers. Then he savaged her anyway.

Famous fundraising agency Wikileaks has delayed the launch of their much-anticipated new submission system, which was to be released today, because the entire internet is not good enough for Julian Assange.

You won't have Barney Frank to kick around anymore. The voluble, irascible congressman and insult comic will reportedly announce today that he won't run for Congress in 2012. Maybe there's a scandal coming! Maybe his district is getting chewed up in Massachusetts' redistricting process. Maybe he's just sick of this shit. Either way, we're losing one of the greats.

But first the comedic/folksy/funky/sugalumpy duo needs a story, says Bret McKenzie (the non-bespectacled half). You don't have much going on these days—maybe you should write one for them. Just don't make the jokes "too Wellington." [Image: Getty]

A decade-old recording has surfaced offering damning evidence against Syracuse University first assistant mens basketball coach Bernie Fine, who stands accused of molesting three men years ago when they were children. The school has responded to the bombshell by firing him:

We all know that the Smurfs movie ruins people's childhood memories, but does it also ruin people's very lives—namely, by leading them to reach frighteningly high intoxication levels in an effort to cope with its awfulness? "Yesssshhhhhh," traumatized mom Sarah Boushey might say, before sideswiping another car.

What is Thanksgiving all about? It's about ringing in the season of conspicuous consumerism we call Christmas, right? So what better way to celebrate that than with a department store sponsored holiday tradition: The Macy's Thanksgiving balloons.