The news today that ab-sessed teen retailer Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay Jersey Shore instigator Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to not wear its clothes in public has lit up the internet. Let's see just what is making the store so upset.

Elevation Partners, which counts U2 frontman Bono and guitarist The Edge as investors, has seen its November 2009 investment in Facebook more than quadruple. And the gains are poised to grow even more.

Gérard Depardieu was on an airplane with 100 other people and had to pee, but the flight attendant said he couldn't go until after takeoff. So the legendary French actor took matters into his own hands: He whipped out his dick and peed in the aisle. No, seriously:

The death of a reality TV star inspires ruthless rumors. Prince Harry breaks up with his lingerie model girlfriend. Kevin Federline's fifth child is born. Lindsay Lohan goes surfing. Abandon all hope ye who enter Wednesday gossip.

Last February, Kathryn Stockett, author of the immensely popular novel-turned-movie The Help, was sued by her brother's former maid, who said that a character in the book was based on her. And the character clearly was, despite Stockett's credulity-straining denial!

Secessionist GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry was asked yesterday about his inflammatory comments regarding Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. You know, the stuff about giving the chairman a Texas-style ass whippin' followed by execution for treason? According to the Wall Street Journal, Perry told reporters in Iowa, "I am just passionate about the issue, and we stand by what we said." So there you go, whiny liberals. That's how Rick Perry rolls.

Are you feeling the heat from debt collectors? Or maybe you just aren't sure how you'll make your next credit card payment? Whatever the case, just be thankful you don't owe money to Citibank in Indonesia. And if you do, don't accept an invitation to settle in the bank's interrogation room.

Not quite sure what to make of this one, but the AC/DC brand is diversifying:

Known for hypersexual marketing campaigns with nearly naked teens, clothing company Abercrombie & Fitch is no stranger to controversy—but everyone has to draw the line somewhere. For A&F, that point is Jersey Shore star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.

Bare-chested cop impersonator Victor Willis, aka the former lead singer of the Village People, is attempting to regain control of 32 songs he co-wrote, including their biggest hit, "Y.M.C.A.," whose catchy melody and acronymous choreography has made it a perennial favorite at everything from basketball games to Bar Mitzvahs.

Today we heard the hilarious news that Michele Bachmann, presidential candidate and confirmed space priestess, wished Elvis a happy birthday on his death day. Michele! What were you thinking? Well, one commenter explained.

Did you know Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has a Huffington Post column? Whereas most celebrity Huffington Post columnists say nothing in as many words as possible, Larry Flynt says nothing in as few words possible. His post today on online privacy is a strange masterpiece of brevity.

Michele Bachmann opened her event in Spartansburg, South Carolina today by wishing Elvis Presley a Happy Birthday! How nice. The thing is, Elvis died 34 years ago today. He was born in January. So all in all, a pretty typical day for Team Bachmann.

Teen angst icon and longtime child star Taylor Momsen is retiring from acting at the age of 18. In an interview with Elle, she says she's all about the music:

Lindsay "thinks Paris is the coolest person on the planet," and wants to seduce her. Salma Hayek promises to spoil her daughter. Jay-Z tips $50,000. Tara Reid's mysterious marriage explained. Tuesday gossip yearns.

Russell Armstrong, husband of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong, has been found dead of an apparent suicide in Los Angeles. His wife filed for divorce last month, and the couple's crumbling marriage was a large plotline on the first season of the show. [TMZ]

Professional designers have finally had it with the Huffington Post always asking for free shit all the time. You're a publicly traded company now, HuffPo. You can design your own damned logo for politics coverage.

After retiring from evil, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld went about writing his memoir, Known and Unknown. As part of that effort, he asked the Obama Administration to declassify a bunch of secret documents from his tenure so he could write about them and publish them on his voluminous online library. Obama said no.

Spotted in Iowa this weekend: Sarah Palin sporting spotted toenails. And not the first time, either! Naturally, Andrew Sullivan is incensed.

Tara Reid married one of her rich boyfriends, but even her publicist isn't sure which one. Jessica Alba gives birth to a daughter named "Haven." Kate Hudson debuts baby "Bing." Julian Schnabel attacks his ex. Monday gossip is updated.