No one buys music anymore. So what to do if you're a pop band trying to make it big? It's simple — whore yourself out to any company that will give you cash. And start flash mobs for Oprah.

Today, Google released a new and revolutionary feature that is expected to send shock waves through silicon valley. Registered Google users may now use Google Translate to talk to animals. Also, it's April 1st.

[Click to expand. Image via Reddit.]

Eric Schmidt's email habits are bizarre, considering his job: The CEO of Google and ultimate overlord of email-hoarding service Gmail deletes every email he receives, unless he's specifically asked to do otherwise. And that's not his only strange habit.

Steve Jobs is paranoid about security. The Apple CEO doesn't just happen to allow strangers to approach him, as during Jobs' coffee with his Google counterpart last week. Just ask anyone familiar with Jobs' high-security New York Times visit.

Google has launched a new ad product that will allow web sites you've visited to keep serving you ads long after you've gone on to other sites. Which means that once you've visited viagra.com, you can never really leave.

Google's GMail will now alert you whenever someone on another continent ogles your inbox, assuming said hacker is too dumb disguise his location, in Poland or wherever. Hey, we're not implying Polish cybercriminals are stupid. Google is.

Google is hiring bond traders, according to a job listing discovered by Business Insider, casting in a new light CEO Eric Schmidt's recent disclosure that the company thought about trying to predict the stock market.

Eric Schmidt hates camping. Which is why, when Steve Jobs broke up with him, Google's CEO was at a payphone on a lonesome desert road, 45 minutes from Burning Man, with only his mistress Kate Bohner near his side.

The photo below shows Google CEO Eric Schmidt and his then-mistress Kate Bohner at Burning Man in 2007. The set contains what we believe to be the first published picture of Schmidt with one of his mistresses.

Google's CEO went to Abu Dhabi this week and preached. He sermonized about Google's exceptional virtue — its indifference to profit and supreme trustworthiness. His speech should have been shocking. Except that delusional self-righteousness is now routine at Google.

The co-owner of the Spitfire pub at Microsoft HQ now works for the software company's archenemy Google. Talk about hedging your investments. (NB to Microsofties: We hear the Google-friendly pub spikes your drinks with a productivity-killing chemical. It's called "alcohol.")

Video producer Kate Bohner has re-published her autobiographical blog, just two weeks after taking it offline amid threats from Eric Schmidt's lawyers. There's been one especially noticeable change: the character "Dr. Strangelove" is gone.

If Apple wins its patent-infringement case against the Google Nexus One smartphone, it might be able to get all existing handsets bricked or crippled. It's not a far-fetched idea, a Harvard Law professor told the New York Times Bits blog.

Eric Schmidt has shown a penchant for making enemies lately, but no former associate has publicly broken with the Google CEO as vehemently as John Sundman, the former Sun manager who fantasized about putting Schmidt's "teeth down his throat."

If Eric Schmidt is so secretive he shut down his ex-mistress's blog, why is the Google CEO letting another lady friend e-shadow him so closely? Marcy Simon's Twitter is a Schmidt-stalker's best friend — and we hear that's no accident.

Googlers are gobsmacked that an Italian court found three company executives guilty of violating Italy's privacy laws over a video uploaded to Google Video. After all, the company quickly removed the video, of an autistic student being bullied, in 2006.

Eric Schmidt might advocate for making information "even more open and accessible," but not when it comes to his mistresses. We're told the Google CEO's aggressive lawyers brought down ex-girlfriend Kate Bohner's online recovery diary this weekend.

Eric Schmidt has long campaigned for free-flowing information, and even against the very idea of secrecy. But we doubt the Google CEO loves disclosure so much he'll approve of an indiscreet blog-cum-memoir by his sometime mistress.

Apple and Google are among a handful of tech companies who fought to hide the race and gender of their workforce from newspaper reporters. And no wonder: Their diversity probably went from bad to worse.