REPORTING FROM THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER LOBBY—Chaotic jostling is the order of the day here in south central Florida, where veteran Hollywood actor Jon Voight, known for his supporting role in the 1997 Ice Cube vehicle Anaconda, addressed the media in an extemporaneous manner just moments ago, while standing outside of Ballroom "C" in the moderately crowded Tampa Convention Center lobby.

All of the news on CNN this morning was about Hurricane Isaac. On NBC, too. And Fox News, for the most part. Yes, the storm has already screwed the Republican convention in so very many ways. But here today, in (sunny!) Tampa, as journalists stream into our media holding pen like so many wayward Katrina refugees, comes the final indignity: this pseudoevent threatens to be completely upstaged by a real event.

Though storms may come and mouths may run, rest assured, America: there is enough Ranch dressing in place, in easily accessed pump dispensers, to serve all of this great nation's delegates at the 2012 Republican National Convention.

The second floor of the Tampa Convention Center is home to the Republican Convention's "Radio Row," the very EPICENTER of America's news and talk radio industry for the next four days. And just as exciting as it sounds. Who is on radio row? Let's see.

Florida is as much America's place for conspiracy as it is the place for wearing airbrushed t-shirts of an anthropomorphic rude-ass dolphin holding a coozied-beer and saying, "Cram it up your blowhole!"

TAMPA, Fla.— Two days ago, the decision was made by RNC organizers to cancel all the convention activities today to avoid a mass washing-away of the less athletic convention delegates. Today, Monday, the weather in Tampa is... fine! Just a bit humid. Not even raining. Which means that the Republican Party could get screwed three ways by this storm.

TAMPA, Fla.— There are many important things to take away from yesterday's Faith and Freedom Conference in the historic Tampa Theater. That Bono must have no idea that "Where the Streets Have No Name" and "Beautiful Day" are busy amping up a crowd of people who hold a Malthusian attitude toward his work in Africa. That the Tampa theater, while beautiful, exudes a slightly surreal gorgeous craftsmanship—like Muppet Rococo. And that a complete misunderstanding of the First Amendment will be a significant GOP plank for the rest of the election.

REPORTING LIVE FROM INSIDE THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER—Day one of the Great Republican Convention of 2012 has arrived, and here we are bright and early inside the belly of the beast, to give you, the Real Americans, an inside glimpse at this most vital of American political institutions.

TAMPA, Fla.— These are the contents of the free swag bags handed out to all credentialed media at the 2012 Republican Convention:

TAMPA, Fla.— This, like every presidential election, is the Most Important Presidential Election of your lifetime. This, like every presidential election, is a contest of unparalleled importance between candidates of previously unencountered contrasts to decide the Most Important Issues we have ever seen. Forget what has come before. The politicians, pundits, and moral leaders of the Republican Party want you to know that this election is the One That Matters The Most. Just like every other election.

Former pizza slinger and (allegedly) prolific sexual harasser Herman Cain spoke at an event in Tampa tonight. The New York Times described the event as an "an alternate unity rally in a church made up mostly of Tea Party supporters," which sounds both fascinating and horrific. Cain's speech to the "several hundred" - how far you've fallen, Herman – people in attendance was about what you'd expect. The highlights: