Oh Emily Brill. The blogging (she's Hamilton's favorite New York writer, for serious) media heiress has stooped to our level. Last night she decided to swallow the horse pill of her pride and watch an episode of bitchy Upper East Side teen soap opera The McLaughlin Group Gossip Girl, and then wrote about it! It could be seen as direct competition for our swatting-at-a-bug-zapper ramblings about the show, except it's much better and, like, informed. You see, unlike us, she's from the world of dough-headed Upper East Side kids, so she can totes relate (or not) to all the interesting characters. She took notes, with her hands!, last night, weighing in on important matters like "is Blair wearing Juicy?" and "did you know that most girls I know... do not like 1Oak??" I did not know! She's posted the chicken scratch on her little website and we've put the pages down below for you too, in case you're lazy (you are). David Mamet scribbles on napkins too, Emily! See what you can parse. It's kinda hard. I think she insults the Bronx in some capacity.

Hello dear friends! I was away last week and so did not watch, and thus did not get to recap, the Gossip Girl episode in which young Jenny became a fashionz guerrilla and ran away from home. Dammit Dave Pirner, why are you always right about everything! But I'm back this week, and I curled up on my couch last night to watch the ridiculous drama unfold. It was indeed ridiculous. Such intrigue this week, with fires and double crosses and blammo! news scoops and, che?, Wallace Shawn. So read on with me after the jump and we'll pick apart this episode, which was appropriately titled "Bonfire of the Vanity." OK! Where to begin! With boring old Serena, I guess, who is dating the mysteriously stupid Aaron Rose, a scruffy little naif who, though hailing from the Upper East Side, is really a downtown artiste in the vein of Basquiat or the Olsen twins. They had sexy text messages and then he "showed her to the city" or some such drecky bullshit (it involved that favorite hotspot of hip downtown creative types, Times Square) and then slunk off for a photo session at Aaron's breezy loft in which the impossibly blonde and springy Blake Lively tried to act uncomfortable about having her picture taken. It was entirely unconvincing, each pout and little eyelash flutter more assured and kissy-kissy than the one before it. Whatever, they are artist and muse in love! He likes to stay up all night making installation art projects of her out of old bedsheets and some cardboard boxes! Except, sigh. He wants an open relationship. He wants to ferret his mousy little features into other, um, mouse holes and excuuuuuse me if Serena didn't know that. Meanwhile, Dan Humphrey, a one man Woodward and Bernstein, was being commissioned by New York Magazine to do a seeeecret story on Bart Bass, the glowering father of our saddest clown, Chuckles. Dan took to the task with a reluctant ease, if that makes any sense. He was conflicted, but this could really further his career. You know, because there are only so many make-it-or-break-it career opportunities available to seventeen year olds. I remember when I was 17, I had the opportunity to do props for a school play but then I got in a fight with the stage manager and the assistant director and so I wasn't doing props anymore and my career was over, but then it worked out because I ended up doing props! See!! I'm just like Dan. So he went nosing around Bass Manor while poor, dejected Chuckles—rejected by his pops when he offered him father-son hockey tickets—simmered in a corner, watching... Things We Lost In The Fire, Gossip Girl Edition: Bart Bass killed a dude in a fire 20 years ago (which is weird! because the fellow who died, 20 years ago last night, was wearing just the same hat that Aaron Rose was the night he diiiiied... and then the next day Serena found the hat on a grave that said Aaron Rose 1968-1988 and she shrieked and shrieked and shrieked!!!!). Also, Jenny the Hobo's crazy friend Agnes of God torched all of Jenny's fashion design choices! Like the dress with the frilly thing, and the frilly thing with the dress! Also, she was sabotaging their super important business meetings with her bitchiness and her drunkenness. It's like one time when I was 15 and... No, I don't have a comparable story, because 15 year olds don't have fancy fashion meetings. And they (hopefully) don't look like sad tired Heroin Lemurs either. Taylor Momsen must have srsly pissed off the show's stylists. So yes! Dan was conflicted about whether to out Bart Bass as a filthy arsonist, while Jennifer mewped back to Chez Humph with her tale (intentional!) between her legs. But Rufus made a thundering edict and said he would not "No!" support Jenny's venomous lying and conniving, and so she fled again with all of her attaches rattling behind her. She stopped to sit on poor people trash and wept. Oh man did she weep. Her face looked like it was pooping. It sort of hurt my jaw muscles to watch. All in all, Jenny came across super crazy in this episode. Send her to Bellevue! We don't know where little Jenny's headed, but for this week at least it was not to Nate Archibald's flowery loins. Which is fine. He's busy making time capsules of him 'n Dan stuff and writing songs on his recorder and watching fuzzy tape recordings of One Tree Hill. (I guess! He wasn't in this episode.) Will Jenny divorce her parents? Does anyone care? Dan decided he would "kill" the story (such insidery lingo he uses!) and then he sent his sad little "Lonely Chuckles, The Orphan" short story to Bart. Bart felt bad and apologized to his fishy son and they reconciled and made plans to be frienz. Too bad he's going to dieeee!! ("My son was wearing those cuff links when he died, thirty years ago today..." Oooohhhhhh!!!! Halloweeeeen!) Oh, also. When Bart said that it was hard for him to look at Chuck because he saw his mother in him and they panned to the photograph, I desperately, desperately wanted the photo to be Ed Westwick in a wig. Same pose, same dress, everything. But Ed Westwick in a wig. Pleeeeeease Josh and Stephanie? Pleeeeze just once? And then, what else? Oh, right! Serena reminded us (what?) that she'd always wanted to live in the 1960's, so when Aaron came squeaking over (can't wait for his movie!) she decided to throw caution and principle to the wind and go traipsing off with him in just her slip, slippers, and a coat. We were all so proud of her for this completely unearned and out-of-left-field character development. Maybe next week we'll find out that she's a racist who can fly. That would be fun! ("I'm right above you Isabel, you filthy ni—") Last but not least was Blair, who was contending with her mother's huggy, hobbity little love interest, played by esteemed playwright Wallace Shawn. It was funny/sad to see old Wallace playing yet another literate yet urgly fella (remember the window-fall-outty episode of Sex and the City?) I wish Twink Caplan had been in the episode too, 'cause then they could have just done Clueless riffs for the rest of the episode and it would have been way better than this annoyingly twisty, turny, but get nowherey installment. Things We Should Lose In The Fire, Gossip Girl Edition: Jenny's rumble-face cry. It looks like an atom bomb is exploding in her mouth. Dan's whole quest for a job as a writer. There is nothing more boring on God's green Earth than watching writers talk about writing. Like, srsly. Please no more. It pains me so. Also we should lose sad Rufus in The Fire. Not Rufus all together, but Rufus who is lonely and has no children around! What a sad little plot point that is. Maybe they're setting the groundwork for the inevitable Vanessa schtupping. That would be great. Just great. "My daughter was wearing those same enormous day-glo hoop earrings when she died, ten years ago tonight....." BOO!

["Gossip Girl" actress Chace Crawford arriving in Nice, France (how faaaaaabulous!) yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Leighton Meester versus Wallace Shawn happens for free on the CW tomorrow night, and that's the highlight of the week. Yes, the industry is missing an 'it' show right now, that universally watched show that defines a period in American life. Soon the current programming will be filed under Bush-era nonsense, and we'll be able to get a new Sopranos, the kind of show born in the Clinton era. Still, there's quality programming if you just know where to look. Here's what to watch this week:All times Eastern, watcher beware... Tonight: Dexter (9 pm on Showtime): Miguel Prado's wife gets a little suspicious of the blood technician that her district attorney husband is spending a lot of time with. True Blood (9 pm on HBO): Sookie's disturbing revelation about her employer freaks her out. A lot of vampire blood is used (probably). Family Guy (9 pm on FOX): Have you not already seen the Hulu clip from the new dog storyline? They went there: Entourage (10 pm on HBO): The show has finally gotten to the point where it is doing an entire Seth Green themed episode. Californication (10 pm on Showtime): David Duchovny's character loses his virginity all over again, this time to a hot teacher. Monday: Gossip Girl (8 pm on the CW): We already mentioned Wallace Shawn, but Jenny will move in with Agnes and they'll probably be in bras the whole time. The ep is called "Bonfire of the Vanity." How I Met Your Mother (8 pm on CBS): Big news for Alyson Hannigan's character, but all we can think about is that Josh Radnor will spend the rest of his life ALONE. Heroes (9 pm on NBC): Can the showrunner from Pushing Daisies save the troubled Tim Kring superhero saga? They should just start including the backstage storylines into the episodes, as I find the backstage part easier to keep track of. Tuesday: House (8 pm on FOX): The show's most improbable storyline continues, and Chase and Cameron turn this into Days of Our Lives all of a sudden. The Mentalist (9 pm on CBS): Simon Baker's psychic is in a casino this week, which should mean plenty of wordy insight about the the meaning of luck. Dancing With the Stars (8-10 pm on ABC): Two hours of programming, and it cost less than the person who does Simon Baker's eyebrows.

Black Sheep, Black Tie. Gossip Girl's new ad campaign features a low-angle shot of rapscallion Chuck Bass, dapper in a tux with his face in shadow, and the tagline, "The price of winning could be losing his father's empire." They certainly have toned things down since the last campaign, which featured images of Blake Lively getting triple-stuffed by Chace, Ed, and Penn under a review pullquote reading, "If your child watches this, THEY ARE SODOMIZING BABY JESUS. -Leah Rozen, People." Click for a full-size view. [Videogum]

After last night's Gossip Girl, you no doubt have a lot of questions. Is staging a guerrilla fashion show at a Philanthropic Ball enough to get you on Page Six? Should you seduce a 15 year old if you're a senior in high school? Is your overhead a lot cheaper if your daughter goes runaway and you lose her as a dependent? In our recap we answer what we can and leave the rest to the IRS.So many questions, so many revolting come-ons from Brooklyn-based hipsters... Should I go ahead and write that damning story about my friend's Dad? There's no time like the present for Dan Humphrey, whose budding career as the sexy Michael Wolff took a turn this week. Dan is tired of trailing in his sister Jenny's tiny footsteps, and he went forward with his story on Chuck Bass last night. You have to admire the way Jenny took her shot at the top by crashing the Philanthropic Ball with the fashion show to end all fashion shows (see video), although some of the credit has to go to her Lohan-style friend Agnes and the men who are in love with her. Now that Jenny's on the road, her insane father won't be able to block the licensing and sale of her sex tape. Meanwhile, her brother can truly learn much from his younger sister. If there's a story, Dan, you break it, and if there's statutory rape in the offing, report it to the authorities.

When The WB and UPN merged into The CW in 2006, there wasn't much hope for the new network. And even after premiering a string of show with buzz including Gossip Girl, the ratings didn't match the rep. Now suddenly those shows are doing record numbers, indicating they are found consistently by their intended audience. This young, female viewership loves soap operas, and with the first season of 90210 and the recent greenlighting of the Melrose Place revival, it looks like they'll get them in spades. Here's four more from TV's past that deserve to be resurrected by the fledging network.

Last night was all about sex on the Gossip Girl! Last night we saw self-pleasure, the brassiere of a 15-year-old, and smoldering looks between artists and socialites, queen bees and queen... bros? The swirling eddy tossed these Burberry-shelled hermit crabs around and around, and at times, yes, they did manage to bump into one another. Tentative eyes bulging, well-sharpened pincers opening and closing, opening and closing, and um.. I don't know. More tide pool/ocean current metaphors. On with the recap after the jump. Blair! Was taking a taxi to tingle town last night! You know, a solo ride. There was a joke about "coming" and "arriving" and oh dear, poor shamed Dorota murmured that "God is always watching," which is true. And also sort of sad, because it means that Dorota learned English by sitting in her little muddy house in whatever Shtetl she crawled out of, listening to Bette Midler records over and over again. Dorota would also like to tell Blair that love, it is a flower. And she, its only seed. Anyway! Yes, Blair still lusted after Chuckles but would not say those three irritating words and so it was lonely lingers down lone lover's lane for her. Meanwhile Jenny, with a haircut that makes her look even more like Janice from the Muppets than usual, was toiling away at her job in fashions. Wicked old Eleanor was being mean and not letting the 15-year-old girl sit in on the big buyers meetings. So, spurned by Caitlin Cooper from The OC, Jenny decided to take back the night and reclaim the two party frocks that Elie had decided to pass off as her own. Girl powerz! But trouble lurked on the too-bright horizon, as Caitlin Cooper's eyes glowed dangerously and our young filly trotted off dumbly behind her. Dan and Serena were trying to help Blair with her boy business problem, Dan because he wanted to help Serena out and Serena because... eh. Who cares. What's important is that Dan helped B at first, because why not, but eventually the relationship started to sour. Don't you kind of want them to get together? Wouldn't it be kind of amazing? Maybe (probably) someday. While lurking around Pa Humphrey's silly little art gallery, Serena met Aaron Rose, a laboriously be-scarfed young lad from Rhode Island who did weird art with microphones and various stuff. There was an instant attraction and an instant note of displeasure from my roommate, who correctly asserted that Aaron Rose, in the books, is supposed to be Blair's attractive step brother, not some dinky poor man's Lou Taylor Pucci artist. Ah well. Young Nathaniel Archibald was shirtlessly at the Humphreys' crash mansion, sending shivers of sex lightning to Jenny's (and Dan's) flowery loins. At one point Dan and Serena were chatting about Nate and Dan kept saying "I never knew how much Nate—" and then he would get cut off by Serena's phone. I can finish that here: "I never knew how much Nate loved to wake up early and stare out the window, thinking private thoughts. I never knew that he liked cranberry juice and those little toaster cake things for breakfast. I never knew that when laughs, his eyes crinkle in this way that makes him seem kind but sad, like someone much older than he is. I never knew that when he sleeps he makes these little sighing noises that break my heart, every time I hear them. I never knew how much he makes me feel good and brand new and like the world might just be OK after all. I never knew all that about Nate. I never did. But I'm glad I do now. I'm so, so glad." Which is to say, they're in love. Nate and Dan are in love. Except, sigh, Nate seemed to have eyes for young Jenny in this episode, as evidenced by him acting all concerned and, ick, brotherly when she went traipsing off with Caitlin Cooper and her suspiciously aracial photographer friend. Thus began the "holy shit, that 15-year-old girl is dancing around on national television in her delicates" portion of the evening, which came to a swift, floppy, gay end when Natalie Nate swept in and ended the affair. Oh Jenny was so mad! So mad she could suck face with Nate on the sidewalk. It's weird that she went in for the kiss first. Weird because it made no sense given the story and the context, but whatever. Nate never would have made the first move. Because he's in love with her brother. Deeply, deeply in love (see above.) But before this happened, Dan gave Serena the ol' go-ahead to sex it with Scarf Garfunkel, but too late! He motorcycled off with some other lassie. Sad things. Then Blair and Charles Bass met on the roof and moaned endlessly about Brooklyn and then realized they couldn't be together because they just like the thrill of the hunt too much. They're not daters, they're sexual pirates. And they'll always be that way, sunrise, sunset, forever and ever. And gosh darnnit if these aren't the saddest 17-year-olds you've ever seen, I don't want to live in your town. So many complex adult feelings, so many worries and tangled moral philosophies to contend with. None of that "this goes in that hole" and "I like you, you like me, no? Boo hoo" simplicity that colors most teenage interactions. (Which isn't to say that kids aren't deep wells of tortured emotion, they are! But they kind of keep it inside, I think. I think? Maybe not anymore. Maybe we're in some new era of well-articulated emotional disclosure. Who the hell knows.) Anyway, these poor kids. Doomed to languish within the fences of their own designs. The Cookie Monster girl boxed in by her own sweetness, the blonde socialite limited by her tiresome fairness, the British sad clown ruined by his rakishness, the bitchy brunette too cold to thaw out, the uptown boy Greco-Roman wrestling with some unseemly longings, and the Brooklyn lad who loves an Uptown boy, his heart stretching out across rooms and rivers, while an unseen God watches it all from a distance. He watches for the pleasure. He watches for the pain. He watches For the Boys.

We bring now distressing news from the set of Gossip Girl, where 15-year-old Taylor Momsen—who plays Jennie, the fashion-designing little sister eager to break free from her humble roots living in a finished loft in Brooklyn with her dad from Everclear—has survived a brush with a "potentially life-threatening" (italics, underline, and bold ours) throat infection. Her doctor wisely chose Us to offer his prognosis exclusive:

Chace Crawford, well-coiffed pretty pretty princess Gossip Girl actress, is plagued by rumors that he is gay, mostly because he is a beautiful lady who lives with his costar Ed Westwick. He was even on the cover of Out magazine a few months back! Now he's gracing, solo!, the front of V Man magazine, a publication targeted at a readership who enjoys looking at photos of gorgeous, feminine young men. In the mag, he's got a sweeping hairdo and says things in the interview like "I don’t know if I could pull off a Kevin Spacey, but I’ll try!” Oh Chace. I'm sure you could pull off Kevin Spacey. Just ask him. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Hey! There are two more of these silly V Man photos after the jump.

[Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Nastia "Nasty" Liukin on the set of 'Gossip Girl' to film a cameo appearance; image via Splash]

The Gossip Girl kids are ever transacting, aren't they? Bartering their bodies for desired outcomes, weighing and counting the merits of friendships, making cost benefit analyses, finally going ahead with the sale or not. It begins to get exhausting to keep track of—who's making out like a bandit, who's penniless, who's anti-capitalist, etc. Last night's episode especially, with its flurry of goods, services, and statuses being exchanged back and forth, willy nilly. A whirlwind! But anyway, let's dispense with this hackneyed metaphor and just get on to the "good" stuff after the jump. We began, as I hope we do more often, with a sunshine-yellow (those shirts!) breakfast at the Bass-van der Woodsen household, where Bart was finally making an appearance. He and Lily were going to be parents, you see and decided to lay down the law. Chuckles! None of your gallivanting. Boring girl! None of your whatever it is you do. Gay one! No more gaying! Serena reacted brattily and bitchily to the news, because well, why not. Her character has never shown any of those qualities before, making it completely inconsistent with whatever meager bit of personality that the writers had cobbled together up to that point, but whatever. She got to wear a hot orange dress and piss off her elders. Meanwhile, Enrique was struggling with his gayness after being kicked out of his house, but luckily his teacher Mr. Katimski was there to help him ou— Oh, wait a second. Sorry. I just had a My So-Called Life flashback. No, hah hah, on Gossip Girl the gay character, Erik, meets floppy haired boyfriends and brings them to brunch with his gorgeous sister and her gorgeouser friend, who are both chipper and curious. Yes, Erik has a boyfriend! His name is Floppy and he is floppy and a gay person. That is fun! Other gay people include: Dan Humphrey, who after being hilariously defensive about his lack of bromances, called up Nate Archibald for a little game of one-on-one ball play. Soccer! I mean soccer. In Latin America, they call it futbol. But here we call it soccer. Well, Dan forgot where he was supposed to meet young Nathaniel, so he went to Archibald manor. Which—holy Christmas!—had been SEIZED (it said so in large letters). Using his Nancy Drew-like woman's intuition, Dan went down to the garden level apartment, broke through the chain, and found inside a sad little scene. A tiny bed, a mess of clothes (Brooks Brothers, Dan cattily points out later), and probably some open cans of half-eaten cold Chef Boyardee. Poor broke ass Nate is squatting while his moms holes up in the Hamptons. Dan feels bad. Also feeling bad was Blair, who was being blackmailed with really old and who-the-f-cares info about the Duke and the Cougar (or whatever) by, um, Vanessa? Really? Again with the major character inconsistency. (Also despairingly inconsistent is V's hair, which last night looked like Gene Simmons' wig had been put in the dryer too long.) Vanessa wanted to save —ha ha ha ha—The Brooklyn Inn from wicked gentrifiers, even though... um. That place? Is pretty yuppie at this point. But in Gossip Girl land it's a soulful dive that's owned by a music-loving Magical Negro. And it must be protected! So Blair was forced to get petition signatures and she decided to get really Dangereuses about it and will Chuckles into a sex pact. If he destroyed Vanessa—humped, stripped of her favorite bar, one enormous dangly bling bling overdone earring missing—increasingly pathetic Blair would let him sample her new and improved Panini Hot Pocket. The game was afoot! Serena kept acting out, pissed at her moms for being all "I've been married 142 times, and now you will obey" about the whole sitch. Then she found out that Floppy had been disinvited from the big party—oh, yeah, there was some sort of party goin' awn at van der Bass acres—and she was all "oh, hellllll no" and decided to be a bitch to some reporters. "My mom's husbands have done cocaine and kept her away from us!" Lily was embarrassed, Bart's face tightened a little more (he's looking a little peaked these days, isn't he?). Eventually though, everyone realized that love was all they needed and Erik made the worst "our ringtone for you was 'Since U Been Gone'" joke that made me keen loudly for the Old World in which people who wrote lines like that didn't get hired to write for network teleivision shows, so they ate cake together and were, finally, a family. Except, um. Chuckles wasn't there. He was busy actually acting nice to Veronica or whoseits about her little Lafitte's Blacksmith. You see, he actually wanted to rescue the place with his oodles of money. Plus he got to be the good guy to this struggling Chicana. Yeah, a fella could get used to that. Too bad Bart had other plans for him. At the party, Bart said "no! no!" to Chuckles' plans and he felt sad. Then Blair acted the bitch with V, telling her about the wicked bet. Chuck was all pissed off and ended up back at the crumbling old aqueduct of a watering hole and told Bagger Vance that he would, by gum or by golly (if necessary), save this important booze parlor. Vanessa lurked in the shadows, vaguely impressed. Or something. Then Chuck, lying essentially, went to get a stiff Waldorfing, which Blair meeped and pouted for in her little red gymnastics outfit. They got almost there, but then Chuck—bizarrely! seriously, what's going on with all these characters these days?—asked B to say those three magic words. Those eight easy letters. And she couldn't. So he left to scour riverbeds like the catfish he is, telling Blair it was time she pursued him. Which just... didn't fit with anything. Oh well! Lest I forget, Dan and Nate fell more and more in love. At first Nate was angry that Dan knew about the pauperdom, but then he came over for chili and Dan took him in his big strong arms and petted his soft, Leeza Gibbons-y highlighted hair, and all was right with the world. Little Jenny fluttered around like a bird in a Disney movie and Pa Humphrey, kindly old King Triton that he is, sang a low song while the boys danced together, fumbling—like fawns, or Lt. Dan, on new legs—ever closer toward ecstasy. And so we close another chapter of our sordid tale of the way New York City was once, when a rich lady named Cecily fell down some stairs and during her unconsciousness dreamt of a place where Floppy exists, where boys will be boys and sometimes more, where home schooled Latina goddesses champion the noble cause of Carroll Gardens bars, and where a Valmont and a Merteuil are forever circling one another; each feint and bow and jab more piercing than the last, more urgent than the desert's need for rain. It's a silly world, but I sort of love it. Oh! And I should mention. There will be another Gossip Girl Summit! It is being organized by the hilarious comedienne Sara Benincasa (she of the outstanding Sarah Palin impersonation) and will feature an esteemed panel of funny and informed guests, plus shambly old yours truly. It's on Saturday, November 15th and more info is here. Hope to see you there!

If golddiggers of all persuasions are having a tougher time right now, that includes fictional ones like Janey Wilcox, the Victoria's Secret model whose pursuit of a very rich husband forms the story of Candace Bushnell's novel Trading Up. The book was in the process of being adapted into a Lifetime movie but suddenly, rues a network exec to the Times, "it was like the script had been written two years ago." Talking animals, however, are doing great: Beverly Hills Chihuahua has been killing it at the box office, which Hollywood studios will likely take as proof that audiences want anything but reality right now—as tempting as it might be to rush out films featuring villainous businessmen.

['Gossip Girl' actress Blake Lively outside the show's Queens production studio this morning; image via Splash]

Every author knows that seeing your work adapted for the screen is a mixed blessing: The money and exposure is fantastic, but there's always a risk that those Hollywood philistines will fail to capture the essence of your storytelling or, worse, change your carefully-drawn characters. And why should Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar, who created her series at bastion of artistic integrity Alloy Entertainment, be any exception?

It is already October 15th! How did that happen? I guess you could say that the Earth rotated around the sun a specific number of times and that days winnowed into nights which bled into days and so on and so on in the circle game. I think that's it. So, how have we been spending these ever-marching autumn hours? Watching TV, of course! Lots and lots of TV. Some has been good (Mad Men, The Daily Show), some has been bad (90210), and some has just been puzzling (Two and a Half Men?). So as we approach the ever-important November Sweeps Week—when networks set their ad rates based on inflated, extraordinary episodes that don't actually reflect typical week-in, week-out quality—let's take a second to give a quarter term report card. How has television been faring, you know, quality-wise (because we already know that ratings are in the toilet)? We'll analyze after the jump.

Happy Wednesday, the world is over. Someone, a "major character," will soon be kicking the bucket on be-Missoni'd teen soap Gossip Girl. So says the internet, at least! But who will it be, and how, and why? I guess we'll have to worry ourselves into anxious little balls of cigarette smoke and sadness until the funeral episode drops during November sweeps. In the meantime, though, we can speculate. Take a stupid hump-day poll after the jump and tell us who you think is going to that big, sprawling, but cheap! for poor people! DUMBO loft in the sky.

The Gossip Girl kids have gotten political. Two of them at least, Penn Badgley who plays Dan and his off-screen ladylove Blake Lively, who plays his on-screen ladylove Serena. They're appearing in a MoveOn.org anti-McCain ad in which regular kids—including these two soap stars at that Hannah girl from that American Teenager documentary—condescend to their McCain-voting parents as if they were about to drink or take doobies. Har har. So Gossip Girl is a bit liberal, but it's not the only politicized show on the air. No indeed there are others, subtly (or not so) spouting rhetoric from both sides of the aisle. Our Photoshop expert Steve Dressler has created a simple chart that we'll explain after the jump.

It's almost impossible to imagine now, we know, but there once was a time when cultural lynchpins Blair Waldorf and Serena Van der Woodsen existed only in the pages of YA novels, and as such their corrupting influence of superficiality, decadence and greed was limited to young girls (and a few girlish boys), rather than an across-the-board, if small, section of the TV-viewing public. But will the supposed literary antithesis to the Gossip Girl books make it to primetime? Let's hope not.

The Gossip girls are off to college! Well, for the weekend at least. Yes, last night's episode of the one and only New York City teen soap bitchery carnival brought the floppy youngsters to storied Yale University, a role poorly played by Columbia. And what did they find in this little Amazon excerpt preview of the next chapter of their lives? Serena and Blair found their inner Alexis and Krystles, Chace found a lady to make out with, Chuck found some new boy friends who like it rough, and ol' Gabbo there Dan Humphrey found that he wasn't always comfortable with his choice of underpants. Take the full campus tour after the jump. Twas young Blair's dream to attend Yale, because it is the most prestigious and be-named-after-a-lock-company'd of all the Ivies (well, not all. Blair contends that there are only three: Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. I hate the Ivy system so I don't really know or care. I do know that Cornell totes doesn't count though.) She had her whole plan in order to nail the interview then to get invited to the dean's secret teenage fuckfest sex party cocktail reception, during which he'd ask the students to take the ball gag gently in their mouths and think warm thoughts name who they'd most want to have dinner with, dead or alive. Blair picked George Sand, a fuckin' French feminazi who used to bone that fruit Chopin. Typical uptown elite choice. But Sand was the foppish dean's favorite author, so it was, in fact, perfect. Everything was going according to plan! Until... Until the wicked Serena, reeling from a Blair attack in which she (rightly, sorry Dad) called S's first choice school Brown a filthy haven for even filthier rich wannabe hippies who don't want grades (srsly, they don't give out grades.) Serena naturally flipped on the competitive switch and decided to haul ass up to New Haven instead. She nailed her interview, making Blair feel sad and insecure, causing her to bomb her own tête-à-tête with Dean Sexdungeon. Oohhh that rascally Serena! To add insult to (impending) injury, Serena got a little tip from Chuckles about the George Sand thing, and stole that answer. At the the little ultra-selective potential students party (to which Blair weaseled her way an invitation, using ceramic kitty kats as bribery), the wax was slowly dripped on the students' tight, tawny flesh Ultimate Dinner Choice names were read, and wouldn't you know it? Blair pulled a fast one on Serena, switching out Sand for that dude what Serena done moidered. Or left for dead or whatever. So they raced out to the porch, yelled a lot, then actually fought. Like physically. That "sproingggg" you heard at about 8:40 PM EST last night was the sound of a thousand 14-year-old boys becoming men. Meanwhile! Chuck and Nate lay on the grass, two young demigods, languid in their Waughness and comfortable in the delicate yet sure way in which they planned to take over the world. Rich boys on holiday! Chuck was waiting for the Skull & Bones society (which is maybe just nerds) to whisk him away into the shadowy depths of lifelong entitlement, while Nate was unconvincingly cruising... for chicks. He found one! But before he could work his buttery way into her pantaloons, she participated in a little Nate Archibald bashing. You see, the Captain had ruined a bunch of people's trust funds, so they were totes hoping to snow Nate once he got to campus. Simple solution, Nate pretended to be Dan, leading to some dormroom nookie. Though, Gabbo was busy being shot the eff down by Dean Putyourhandsoveryourhead,doit!, and told to get another recommendation. So for some reason he sought out the same exact pixie haired dink that Nate was sucking mug with. Hilarity and mistaken identity ensues! And it doesn't stop thereeee. Chuck was abducted by his new intensely homosexual lovers Skull & Bones friends. He was made to take a party test, which Chuck passed with flying colors by bringing some non-English-speaking hookers to the creepy lair in which the the cult members live, like common vampires. Well done, Bass. But there's one more tasssss...k. Bring us the throbbing, purple head of Nate Archibald! Ruh roh, Changes for Chuckles. What to do? Well, tell Gary, Lance, Gideon and the rest of the fellas that Dan is Nate. So they abducted Gabbo, tying him to a column in his underwear, eventually getting worked over pretty hard by Dean You'regettingitalloveryourface,ladyboy rescued by Nate. Penn Badgley doing comedy and embarrassment is epically squirmy to watch, I must say. Anyway, the two boys became the best of friends and Nate got mad at Chuck for what he'd done to Dan who, as it turns out, is "pretty cool." Sweet! Let's go to the arcade, my mom can pick us up afterward! Do you like pizza? Like an embittered, scorned husband, Chuck said tersely and desperately to Nate "let's talk about this in the car," which made me laugh very very loud. So yeah. At least Chuck got some satisfaction (heh) with the S&B boys in the end, by saying "fuck off, Yale" and showing the lads the incriminating hooker photos taken by lipstick cameras. "I own you now," he said as he sauntered off. "Daaammnnn," said the S&B boys as they hated to see him go but loved to watch him leave, like in Martin except they didn't say "Gina," they said "Chuck." Blair and Serena decided to make up (not make out, sorry boys!), though Blair totes had her pinned with that chicken wing and would have won the fight. In the end, Serena got the call and not Blair, though they only wanted S for her increasing Page Six status. Right, because Yale has a PR problem. Feh. So everyone left Yale, while the Dean went to let the Laotian boy out of the crawlspace to teach him his "lessons" penned some acceptance letters and went home. Back in Nueva, Jennifer was trying to convince Pa Humphrey that a fashion career was the way to go, instead of traditional schooling. She brought him along for a day at the atelier, but he was not convinced. Until they went to Bass Manor and—sproingggg!—he ran into Lily slinking around the apartment in Serena's little black dress. She told him that he should let his daughter pursue her dreams of fashions, like he pursued his dream of muziks. Frankly terrible advice, in my estimation. Oh! And it was funny because she was like Oh yeah, I'm totes Kevin McAllister tonight. S and Chuckles are at Yale, and "Erik has a new friend, I'm told," which means he was probably sexing with a dude right at that moment. Hah! What a meager plot bone to throw at Erik fans. So that's the way I seen it. Dorota being proud of Blair in the beginning was weird and wistful, as was the fact that Chace Crawford continues to insist that he's more than a devastatingly handsome face. I loved the porch fight and continue to firmly attest that this show sings only as comedy. As drama it's usually muddled and mawkish, but o' Josh Schwartz! As comedy! Such beauty. The My Fair Lady dream sequence opening? No words. Simply none. What'd you like?