Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie because she's bored schtupping young men. Kate Major's still talking, for some reason, about Jon Gosselin. Leighton Meester went shopping and the SWAT team was called in. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Brad and Angelina enjoy pool sex, Lady Gaga is a confirmed hermaphrodite, Constantine Maroulis gets beat up over Paula Abdul at Ciprianis, Patrick Swayze is recovering nicely, Britney looks good in a white bikini and Paris and Douglas Reinhardt reunite.

Victoria Beckham is rumored to be replacing Paula Abdul on Idol, Brad Pitt was once a stoner, K-Fed is getting paid to lose weight, Jude Law's new lady friend was a Hooters waitress in Florida and Kristin Davis spurns OXFAM.

Gerard Butler rejects Kelly Bensimon, Adam Lambert's fans throw sex toys at him, Ashley Olsen is surprised she didn't end up like Britney, Ryan O'Neal gave his 11-year-old son cocaine, Joan Rivers hates Jon Gosselin and Madonna plagiarizes a poet.

IRS authorities are after Nick Cage, Clooney shows off his new lady-friend, Jude Law met the mother of his latest child on the street at 4am, Britney Spears has a new do and a Sopranos movie is in the works.

Ryan O'Neal is a creepy man, Billy Joel has a sad over the breakup of his marriage, Jude Law fell for the "I'm on the pill" con, David Beckham is scared of Shaquille O'Neal and Jessica Alba frolics.

Jessica Simpson's breakup was caused by her idolatry of a plastic toy. Amy Winehouse has fun adventures with a private dick. Lindsay Lohan's employed, Saved By The Bell, Charles Manson, Mary Cheney, and more. Here's your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Michael Jackson's doctor is still just as sketchy as before. Tom Cruise will raise your kids for you. Jude Law's new baby's name, rappers, witches, Heroes, Gossip Girls, and Ashton Kutcher's fake life. Presenting an epic Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow trash Katherine Heigl, Joe Jackson confirms Michael Jackson's Norwegian lovechild, Britney mocks K-Fed's weight gain, Robert Redford dislikes Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Simpson has an expensive new reality show and Sienna Miller needs love.

Jude Law has knocked up an unnamed lady-friend, Mel Gibson attacks someone in a club, George Clooney has an Italian "lapdance model" by his side, Mischa Barton's friends are worried about her and Amy Winehouse's dad fakes a heart attack.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are struggling, men are turning against Megan Fox, Bar Refaeli is boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo, Kid Rock hates Twitter, Marilyn Manson issues threats and Kate Beckinsale parties with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham.

Amy Winehouse reached into Kate Moss' handbag and stole her cocaine, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush break up, Madonna's love faxes from the early 90s emerge, Tobey Maguire's mom and brother get a reality show and Mischa Barton goes home.

Orlando Bloom passes on playing Will Turner to be with his girlfriend, Megan Fox thinks zombies are sexy, Tara Reid is quite skinny, Paris Hilton claims to have inspired Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse almost dies after a binge.

Former Star reporter Kate Major's definitely one kind of whore, the other, not so sure. Whorebaiting gov'nuhs, too! Walter Cronkite, here? Yeah. Also: Frank McCourt. Paris Hilton, the Chelsea Hotel, some Indie Rock FAIL. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Jon Gosselin's pissed Kate Major's lying about them being together. Another parent peddles her kids for money when really, she should be a Spider Man villain. Lindsay Lohan gives me Gwyneth's GOOPy runs. Happy Saturday Morning, here we go:

Katie Holmes appears on So You Think You Can Dance (Video!), Gerard Butler is getting fat, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler reunite, Gwyneth Paltrow cooks a chicken, Avril Lavigne parties really hard and Gwen Stefani looks pretty damn good.

Megan Fox turns down the chance to be the next Bond girl, Amy Winehouse goes on trial for assaulting a charity ball dancer, Lily Allen has a new man, Simon Cowell turns 50, and Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick split.

Michael Jackson may have a secret child, Billy Joel gets a rebound girl, Ruth Madoff travels in ripped jeans and a baseball cap, Britney Spears' father pronounces his daughter completely sane and Sienna Miller goes off on an interviewer.

Cameron Diaz is a playa, Jessica Simpson drowns her dumping sorrows with friends, Lilo and Sam Ronson engage in an epic fight over Drea De Matteo, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are engaged and Jeffrey Donovan get a DUI.

Jon Gosselin just can't get enough ass, the Bush daughters were unholy terrors for the Secret Service, some Russian guy is sending death threats to Britney Spears, Michael Jackson's doctor is in hiding and Cameron Diaz parties with Jude Law.